SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I thought I´d give an update on my situation.

Lsst Discovery was around May (online cam service), After a few months of uncertainty, still physical small affection and verbal too. After BS took a small holiday to gather her thoughts, we have been not close (physical affection is gone, so is verbal) Already 3 months of this.

Holiday season was REALLY hard, still struggling, trying to rebuild myself. We have been on Couples Counseling for about 5-6 sessions already. I continue on my personal counseling. She has started hers. The cost of it all does not help either.

I have cut off all use of porn, it has been months off of it, honestly, I do not miss it one bit.

Still a LOT of work ahead, uncertainty is as always, no promises of anything from my wife's side, and I completely accept this and am not asking for any reassurances.

Some days are terribly hard. It is hard to hope for reconciliation and love when I am having a hard time loving myself... Even beautiful family moments have a deep undercurrent of sadness, it hits me completely unexpected. The fact that I risked all this, the core of what ALL is about, this family, for something so stupid and selfish... it is devastating. What I did to my wife, the pain and sadness I put her through...

Some days are easier, we laugh, we share nice moments, we sit close, our arms brush, and I am happy. It is silly, I feel like a kid going with a girl to the cinema and getting excited about having touched her hand.

I don't know where this will take me. I have no guarantees, I just know i NEED to continue moving forward.

wish me luck :)

Thank you.

I hear you. I'm 13 years out and we are still "together," but "together" got redefined. There is no longer any physical relationship. None. For me it is about shame that I have not been able to resolve. For her it is about. . .I don't know because she refuses to talk about it. Refused any form of therapy. I don't blame her. She has reverted to survival mode. I brought all this upon us.

We have fashioned a sort of partnership that is distantly affectionate and sometimes fun. We are devoted to our families and have endured some very sad times together with unstinting mutual support. I trust her in this 100%. I think she trusts me in this way also but will never again trust me not to stray.

I have not strayed again and would not dream of it.

That's where we are. I wish you a better outcome, friend.

I hope your situation gets better.

I will walk through fire and brimstone if I have to, to keep our family together. I won't force her to stay with me if she does not want me in her life, for sure. I am not about to force this.

I will however tolerate a painfully long period of uncertainty, yers if I have to, if it means I have a sliver of a chance to prove I am a different person from the one who hurt her. :)

thank you.

No stop sign.

I feel for you going through this.

Look, I do not know your full story, but you hope for reconciliation.

Reconciliation is not hope, it demands hard work, especially from the Wayward's side.

From the Betrayed spouse's side there is already an enormous weight of pain and outside judgement:

- You were betrayed, hence you are stupid, naive or just low value. Otherwise it would not have happened (common kind of external judgement). You've been hurt with the deepest wound a spouse can suffer, and people make fun of it. (imagine if you would like to wear those shoes)

- Only by casting away the WS you might recover a measure of "dignity" and "respect"

- Those BS who try to reconcile are seen as idiots, unreasonable, weak, desperate (sometime by their very same WS, so there is that too)

- Compared to the betrayer, the betrayed not only suffered the wound and consequence with no choice, but also far more social stigma than the Wayward Partner would ever get.

Is not fair, but that's just how it is.

A betrayed wife or husband that after discovery still offers you their love, no matter the pain, and wants to at least try to reconcile and rebuild what you destroyed, is not at all "weak", on the contrary: is an act of Love and Bravery.

Your wife is still trying to R with you. She is hurting in ways you will have difficulties to comprehend. Her entire reality past present and future is gone.

And she showed you perhaps the greatest act of love you will ever receive. Even if in the end the R will fail, remember this is the biggest gift she ever could bestow upon you. It will put her into a new light, perspective for the rest of your life.

You say you have issues in loving yourself? I believe you. You would not have been led astray otherwise.

But you too, crave to restore the broken bond with your wife, that is obvious.
So do this: Love her, show her your love and help her through the path into the abyss that she is going through. Be present and no matter how hard, how ashamed or how painful is for you to see her pain, show her unconditional love.

She is an extension of you, showing her love will teach you also how to truly love yourself.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 1:56 PM, Tuesday, January 13th]

Let me be clear,

cause today our therapist asked specially me (since my wife is clear in her being emotionally CLOSED, and not feeling romantic love for me at least for a while now after my betrayal, and not knowing if this can rekindle) she asked me, if my feelings for her are not actually a longing for a past relationship we had.

I didn´t want to answer immediately, because it would feel I was disregarding the question or not pondering or considering it deeply. Also it was almost the end of our session...

I don´t say this lightly, or without consideration. I Love my wife even more than I did before. I love this person who, after me repeatedly having betrayed her trust chose to stay by my side, who after carrying this weight for years is finally standing up and amongst other things, has put her feelings for my in doubt. I love her with the scars she carries, some of which I painfully admit to have caused.

I love her for the mother she is, for the woman she is, for her strength, for her character, for her integrity. I love her deeply, truly and whole.

It scares me, it terrifies me, to know that I may loose this marriage. Because I was responsible for this, and because I do not know if I have it in my heart to love again after this. I don't say this from a place of teenage naiveté. I am a grown man, who has gone through several multi year relationships.

A man who met this woman later in his life, who formed a family and stupidly betrayed the love of his life.

But if this is what it has to be. If this is what will make her happy... if she decides her life must continue without me. I will endure this possibility.

But God knows the hope I cradle in my heart of hearts...

As I said, she needs to hear it.

Stop thinking about performing (shall I look like I am pondering? Shall I look considerate? No, wrong approach), she needs to feel it's honest.

You said some deeply felt things. She might not trust you the first time. She might not trust you the millionths time still.

You Keep telling her.

Yes when you betray, you sacrifice the bond you had with the other person on the altar of the affair.

I believe than when you do that, the bond is dead. The old one at least.

When your BS still gives you a chance, is not trying to save the dead bond. They are in front of you, bleeding from the wounds, asking you if you want to pick up the threads and at least try to rebuild a new one, exposing them further instead of running away from you.

And the threads of a bond need love. Make her feel there is still some.

This is all you need to decide what to do next.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 2:42 PM, Tuesday, January 13th]

Thank you,

I needed to read this.

After she came from a trip (she took a small holiday to see were she was standing) she decided to distance herself even further (no more physical contact, cuddles, sometimes kisses) no more words of love.

She asked me also to stop saying this to her.

If I try to close the distance, she marks a limit, (too long of a hug is even sometimes met with a wall) if I speak, I have a feeling I suffocate her (and she also said so).

I have been told, and read, that this is not the time for "grand gestures" (which I would otherwise be inclined to), but of slow, boring, day to day consistency and showing up. That I need to show deep change.

God knows I am shedding my old self, a river of tears and a pound of flesh at a time.

Some days I am just trying to stay afloat. I want her to know I can stand on my two feet, even if my legs are gone...

I am afraid to hurt the chances the relationship has, I am afraid to risk pushing her away.

I would move a mountain or die trying, to let her know how I feel, what this all means. I don´t wanna tire her. I want her happynes above all.

I feel this so deeply in my bones. My BH is more receptive, but I relate to the flaying yourself open for your BP, being left on the side of the road, and then telling yourself you deserved that. I really hope you guys find peace. I also hope she considers therapy for herself. Sounds like she is having a hard time processing her feelings.

If I try to close the distance, she marks a limit, (too long of a hug is even sometimes met with a wall) if I speak, I have a feeling I suffocate her (and she also said so).

I have been told, and read, that this is not the time for "grand gestures" (which I would otherwise be inclined to), but of slow, boring, day to day consistency and showing up. That I need to show deep change.

And it is all true. At the same time she might want you, need you. But you presence is also the source of great pain.

I understand this is hard, you moved from caring and it is painful for you, she still sees when you did not care (during the A) and knows that cannot be erased.

Still it's your trial of fire. Respect her limits. Hod your frame. Let her know you respect how she feels (not understand, believe me you can't, but let her know you now respect it) . And from whatever distance she allows, let her know you love her.

Not grand gestures. Consistency. Respect. Empathy.

She must process enough to risk again to open up to you. You need to show her that you are now finally ready to take the risk to love her unconditionally.

When you feel betrayed grand gestures can be received as fiction, lies, manipulation.

Consistency and empathy are grand enough, safe enough. Put your love into that.

Think it as "She was vulnerable to you and was betrayed. Now you are reformed and willing to show that you are open to be vulnerable to her decision if to take you back or not".

Follow your feelings, act by instinct, do not perform, honesty and consistency work better.

I feel this so deeply in my bones. My BH is more receptive, but I relate to the flaying yourself open for your BP, being left on the side of the road, and then telling yourself you deserved that. I really hope you guys find peace. I also hope she considers therapy for herself. Sounds like she is having a hard time processing her feelings.

Therapy might help, but she should move into that direction alone, or very tactful with time. Hearing from your WS you need "therapy" can easily be perceived as gaslighting and blame shifting in the early stages when the emotions are in turmoil.

Peace, true peace requires time, a lot of time and consistency.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 4:25 PM, Tuesday, January 13th]

Have you talked about what your future together will look like? Or is your BS still undecided about what she wants to do?

If she's undecided, talking about what you both want your future to be might get her of the fence.

Often un talks we speak about next Holidays, our next winter visit to her family's house. We continue to talk about long term plans. I try to not show my hope when we talk, I try to treat it as a given fact. Lately (last couple of days) I have stopped having an attitude of "begin for affection" either in attitudes, or indirectly by bringing something up.

I would write her the longest of letters, pouring my everything on paper... I do journal, specially on the hardest days.

But no, it has been no more than two months, when she was saying she felt suffoccated every time I brought up our future and dug for any hint or indication. Now the day to day (sometimes even most of the weekends) are free of incidents. I let go of any jealousy I held towards a close friend she is leaning on. I know I have no right to feel this way. But when a person you love pulls away and you see her confiding, leaning and being so engaged with another man. In my inability to handle my feelings (I am unfortunately a person who wears his heart on his face) and her insistence on knowing I have, on a couple of occassions confessed about this feelings of mine. And she has been open about this friend, and there being no interest or bonda other than a very long friendship that restarted about a year ago, because of a work project. And what right do I have to lay this on her? Me, who disregarded her forgiveness, and broke her trust in more than one occassion? All the while I went on work trips. Why should I complain when she never voiced any insecurities, or putting any weight on me, choosing to trust when I was away, after what I did.

I remind myself of that, as we enter a new stage, kids are older she will travel more... maybe distance helps. Her next trip I will make myself invisible if need be, while taking care of the kids. It is only fair after she was a stay at home mom for almost a decade, suppporting my career.

This would all have been much easier in another relationship situation. It is difficcult, painful and anxiety inducing where I stand. But this is my cross to bear. And I am learning a lot about myself, my reliance on others for stability and assurance, my insecurities, my limitations, triggers...

I am trying to rebuild, but sometimes I see an even bigger chunk fall off of me as I am delicately trying to find a small bit I dare to find a new spot for... It is slow, the pace is erratic, the future is uncertain. At another point in my life all this words would suggest an exciting new challenge. Today, facing a truth I placed myself in front, and the need to become a better man, person, husband, father. For the sake of growth, development, for ME, and for those around me, who deserve a better... THIS. Am I allowed to harbor hope? to feel sadness, sorrow and deep dispair. There are aspects of myself I am not looking to change. I will always feel very strongly. I would not change that, even for the sake of numbing the pain.

It hurts because it is worth it. I wouldn´t escape the pain... it would make the work meaningless. Try to manage, learn to regulate. That is just growth and regulation, it is desireable. But I would not take shortcuts.

There may come a day I can look back to this time with remorse, a sigh of heaviness, and with a lesson learned now a part of me, not as an idea or a concept, anyone can rationalise tat. But as a lived truth, on a daily basis, in every aspect of my life.

Thanks!

Matias,

I know that you are trying to give her space and demonstrate contrition. That’s good. However, "leaning on" a friend of the opposite sex and spending a lot of time with him increases the risk of her developing feelings for this man. I think as long as she is choosing to stay married to you, it’s okay to gently, politely, express your concerns about their relationship, while acknowledging that it’s a bit of the pot calling the kettle black. Even after your infidelity, you don’t deserve to be cheated on. Nobody does. Ask for some boundaries to be put in place for your marriage’s sake.

Matias,

I know that you are trying to give her space and demonstrate contrition. That’s good. However, "leaning on" a friend of the opposite sex and spending a lot of time with him increases the risk of her developing feelings for this man. I think as long as she is choosing to stay married to you, it’s okay to gently, politely, express your concerns about their relationship, while acknowledging that it’s a bit of the pot calling the kettle black. Even after your infidelity, you don’t deserve to be cheated on. Nobody does. Ask for some boundaries to be put in place for your marriage’s sake.

Absolutely agree with this.

Let me expand on this.

It is a friend of the opposite sex. He lives in another country. So their contact is mostly online. They work on a project together, they meet sometimes when we go to visit family
She has been open about this, she shares what she does, she has addressed my concerns. I have been direct in asking more than once if there is any involvement, if she has any feelings, if anything at all happens. She has assured me that not. We talked about us being a couple, regardless of the emotional distance and while we are working on this we are together and exclusive.

I have since chosen to give her her space and not pry anymore. Honestly I don’t know what else to do or if I should.

When I said leaning on maybe it was too much. They are friends. It is one of the friends she told about us going through some difficulties as he went through a divorce and can share some experience with her and relate (that was the leaning on part I guess) they mostly work together and talk. And thss as ta about it. O am not privy to their day to day talks and everything they say to each other.

I choose to trust my wife, she has given me no reason not to in all these years.

Is this a wrong way of going about it?

I choose to trust my wife, she has given me no reason not to in all these years.

Is this a wrong way of going about it?

No, your bond requires trust, is the foundation of it all.
You chose good, because is the natural choice.

How you clarified seems an ok relationship of friendship, when boundaries are respected is all fine.
Only thing to consider:: they speak of his divorce, sensitive topic, by nature intimate subject.
You have your dirty laundry, a boundary should be your intimate issues stays withing your family, is not ok to spend that emotional energy outside the bond.

Because that is an intimate thread, those CAN turn a friendship into more when shared with a person of the opposite sex. (and even same sex friends, unless the partner let you down seriously like during betrayal [understandable need of friends], it should ideally stay inside the couple).

I think you have the right to feel uneasy and may want to know what they discuss just to be sure that is within the boundaries of "sharing experiences". that she shares in a way that is not disclosing your intimate life issues.

From what she said, they shared surface level: we are not doing well.. stuff. No details. So it should be ok. I also voiced my concern about this developing. She assured there was no interest. But of course I feel insecure.

From what she said, they shared surface level: we are not doing well.. stuff. No details. So it should be ok. I also voiced my concern about this developing. She assured there was no interest. But of course I feel insecure.

Understandable, I can feel your doubts, is human. You need to get how much is from projection and guilt and how much is a real red flag.

She might be absolutely honest, if she deserved your trust, she probably is.
You both should have learned boundaries, if those are respected you now how to go on.