SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, this post is more a commentary on me than on counselors or counseling. I get that.

I have had brief counseling a few times in my life. Short term efforts to save a previous marriage. Issues/worries with kids. And of course, that which we shall not speak of here. None of which were particularly helpful. Frankly, more like frustrating.

And now, I am in counseling…"grief counseling". For about 6 months now.

I like this counselor. I appreciate his kindness and knowledge. Much of our time together is spent discussing certain truths about emotions / behaviors regarding human behaviors and difficulties that people have. It’s a little bit more like a college psychology course than what I have in my mind "counseling" should be like. I think this is 95% my responsibility. I think he follows my lead. I very much like to understand things intellectually, and I have shied away from hurtful things. A novel approach to grief counseling, wouldn’t you say? 🙄

I have very recently experienced the onset of an ongoing and extremely emotionally hurtful situation in my life, and I have found myself thinking that I was anxious to get back to speak with my counselor about it. Only tonight, pacing the floor and stressing myself out, it has it dawned on me that NO ONE is able to help me. AND BY "HELP", I MEAN SHOW / TELL ME HOW TO "FIX" THE SITUATION.

I am almost certain that for you all, this will seem like a… "WELL, DUH"… situation. But at age 72, it has hit me like a ton of bricks that no amount of counseling or any kind of help provided by anyone – no matter how well meaning – is going to change anything.

THE ONLY THING IT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE ABLE TO CHANGE IS MY "PERCEPTION" OR "HOW I FEEL" ABOUT WHATEVER ISSUES I’M GOING THROUGH.

As immature as this sounds, this is HIGHLY upsetting to me. It makes me rethink counseling. Now my train of thought is more like "there’s nothing he can do about the situation to change it...so why go?" All that he will be able to do is to perhaps help me understand and accept it. But that is so unacceptable to me. I have a current situation with my granddaughter, and I’m not interested so much in my feelings about the situation… But of answers on how to… If not "fix" it, at least soften it or make it better.

I don’t know how to accept this. I don’t know if I have even made anything clear, but I am wondering if anyone can explain this to me. Or is the only answer going to be… "Nobody can "fix" anything… or "talk to your counselor about it"? (Cue, repeat of my situation.)

BTW… sorry for the buzz kill! I realize that usually posts on this forum are lighthearted and many times fun.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:46 AM, Friday, January 2nd]

… and I have also just realized that in posting this, I am asking you all to "fix" a situation —- in a post about how people cannot "fix" other people‘s issues.

Jesus.

You’re right. I go when I have a hard time finding a way to accept things. Mine has said some very concrete ways to cope with things.

I’m a physician- OB, so she has helped me break things down to a timeline. Like pregnancy. It will end. The suffering will end, but it will feel like it goes on forever.

That truth was helpful. But yeah. It doesn’t fix the shit happening. They just help you use all of your coping skills and remind you of what they are when you spiral.

I only go when I need help coping, or legit don’t understand something and can’t see my way out.

Yeah, just to validate your experience- no one can fix shit. Even you sometimes, unless it is shit you’re tolerating and need to not tolerate. Or shit originating from you. They can just help you get good boots to wear as you walk through the shit and remind you that it’s only shit and it will wash off. And you’ll prolly have to walk through more shit in your life, it’s not a one time thing.

Maybe that’s helpful. Or maybe not.

And sometimes you take a break to grow, too. All valid things.

It sounds like you’re using rationalization as a coping skill (understanding something better to cope with it). That’s my super power. But it does make therapy less emotionally helpful. Maybe tap into the emotion if you want. Or not. Right now maybe rationalizing is keeping you afloat. And when you’re rational, you’re going to see things rationally. And yeah, no one can fix things for you. That’s really fucking a rational thought.

What about the irrational thoughts? Those are little extra turds in the shit storm. Go there.

I agree and disagree, but mainly disagree.

A good counselor sees things about the client that the client doesn't see about themself. That insight in itself can help you find the solution you're looking for.

And listening can help you find the words you need to find the solution you're looking for.

I'm sorry that you're in pain again. You deserve peace and love.

You have found the secret of counseling, if it is done well. The thing is that you have what you need to make it through. And as 3yrsout put so well, a counselor can help you see where you need new coping skills or where you are blinded by what is in front of you, in denial of what is really happening. But ultimately it IS you that will get yourself better. And you will.

You have been through A LOT in your life. And you survived, found joy, and kept going. Amazing how strong you are. But when we are in yet another tough spot, it is hard to see that strength, so that path forward. And what worked before may not work this time- as we all know, trauma comes in lots of different flavors that may need to be addressed differently. A good IC can help you sound that out, gently point out where we may be too hard on ourselves or not being honest with ourselves. They can help you with coping skills and honestly just be being a supportive ear to listen as we talk through the turmoil.

Grief is unique to me. recently I heard a quote that said you don’t get over grief but rather you learn to bring it with you. It will always be there, but hopefully quieter and more like a companion rather than dominating all emotions.

So the grit and fortitude you have in spades and have used to push through all the past issues may not be what you need now. I too like to fully understand what I am going through— I’m an engineer and love some facts and figures. But getting in touch with my fears, my wounds, my quiet desperation has been so hard. I am the tough, analytical girl who could not show emotion(military family, all brothers, tough as nails mom, male-dominated career, married someone just like my mom…) so when my old coping didn’t work, it took a lot for me to allow the vulnerability to figure out what would work. It took me three therapists until I found the right fit and approach. It’s not like a doctor who gives you a prescription and some PT and in a few weeks all is good as new. It’s more like a safe space to be the caterpillar that is metamorphosing into the butterfly, but you are in your cocoon alone with their support, encouraging you and reminding you of the goal and how you have all you need to make these big changes.

I guess what I am trying to say (poorly) is that it sounds like you are doing great. TELL YOUR THERAPIST what you are feeling. He works for YOU and if you say "this has been nice but what I really want is "X", then you can have that conversation. And if he is worth his salt, he’ll be grateful for your candor and be willing and happy to help alter the therapy to get where you want to go. And it is totally normal to have moments of frustration and impatience - and you should voice them. (I really struggled with this - I wanted my therapist to like me and to think I was their A+ student….what they wanted was for me to be REAL and voice my real concerns and struggles and needs and desires. Take the plunge and tell them. It will be worth it.)

And as hard as it is, but honest and brave about your deepest darkest fears and concerns. Bring them to the light. It is not fun - I cried a TON in therapy - but it will show you where you need to show yourself how strong and amazing you are and how far you have come.

Also, good to hear from you. Your voice has been missed around here :-). Hope you are otherwise doing okay and enjoying your family and pups.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 5:50 PM, Friday, January 2nd]