SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sold a home I loved because every damn day (or almost every day) for the first 3 years of R I was flooded with the same sucker punch feeling of dday1 and dday2.

I had to wait 6 years to sell but I was much happier when I didn’t have those reminders. The last few years we lived there they were very infrequent but I just needed to move away from all of it.

New house, better energy IMO.

Plus if he cheats again I have a house I can afford to keep on my own. Always planning for "what if". It’s part of my trauma lol

I started this as basically a vent, but you all have really given me some things to think about. You also reminded me that this is a marathon and not a sprint. When this first happened, and even when I first started posting here I thought that at 9 months this would all pretty much be in the rearview mirror for me. My wife has been very good about carrying her share of the load, taking responsibility, and really turning things around.

We had a lot of issues before this happened. Both of us did, but for the longest time she had some major issues with honesty and facing problems. I'm more of a "wear your feelings on your sleeve" kind of guy, and she was a major rug sweeper. She would say anything she thought I wanted to hear to avoid conflict, and bottled everything up inside while acting like everything was hunky-dory. She's no longer like that. She has truly fundamentally changed and it's so refreshing and relieving! I know how she's feeling now, and I love her so much for it. I feel like I have a new, much improved wife, and she's been rock steady for almost 8 months solid now.

Sisoon said something in another one of my threads that I think hits the spot. Being honest and truthful can be addictive (or something along those lines). I have been rewarding her for her honesty and openness. If she says something I dont like, I let her know how it makes me feel, but I always, always let her know I appreciate her honesty. I don't ever want her to feel punished for being honest with me. It's really opened up our lines of communication and we really are getting along better than we ever have. I'm going to continue to foster and nurture that. It's so important, and it's really improved us as a couple. I'm not exaggerating when I say she's a new person, and love the new her, so much. It's been really wonderful. Because things were rocky for so long, I truly believe ours is going to be a case of a marriage that bounces back stronger and better than before.

I touched on SSRIs earlier. I want to add to that. I've done some digging, and I really think they're way over prescribed, and the side effects are very downplayed. Folks should really know what they're getting into before getting on them. The way they work is by keeping your levels of serotonin higher in your system, which I know most of you probably already know. However, what they also do is suppress your dopamine transmitters. The chemical that's associated with bonding, connection, romance, your libido, and even your ability to orgasm. They helped with my anxiety, but I was a walking zombie and just didn't care about anyone or anything. I pulled away from my wife and made her feel unloved and undesired. It led to a dead bedroom for too long. While I know and agree thats no excuse to engage in an affair, I still feel horrible for that. In my case, they made things worse. Even without the affair, I fear our marriage was on its way out. I weaned off of them a couple of years ago, and I'm still dealing with some side effects. Nothing that can't be managed, and in some cases has actually improved our intimacy, but not before I was afraid I might be permanently broken with anorgasmia. What a rough ride.

Be very, very careful with SSRIs. I think they can be a solution for short term issues, but I question whether or not they should be used by anyone long term with the exception of more extreme cases.

That said, I'm still undecided as to whether or not to "reclaim" or "claim" that hotel, but leaning toward not. I think she might get triggered worse than me if we did. I know she'll do it if I really want to, but she told me that she wants nothing to do with any hotels now, or anytime in the near future. She was in tears at the idea of it. She's really disgusted with herself and it's not just words. I can see it on her face and in her eyes. The change in her attitude and personality is really quite remarkable. I think her condition plays a part in that. It's almost like she completely rewired herself and transformed into a different person.

ETA: In any case, thank you guys for giving me an ear and feedback. I really had no one to talk to about this and felt so lost when I got here. This site is truly a treasure. Thank you all so much.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:30 AM, Friday, January 2nd]

Pogre

I left my the city I was born and raised in about 4-5 years after d-day. At d-day I walked in on them having sex in our bed. In the small apartment we were cohabiting in, in the tallest apartment building in the area, painted a unique and noticeable color. I left that relationship and never again entered that building, nor the apartment. Got my brother to go pick up my stuff – sacrificing some of my late 70s early 80s’ LP collection...

For years I avoided that part of town. When I relocated, whenever I visited my parents the shortest route from the airport (and also the road into town) was by that building. I tended to take the long route. The building with it’s paint-job was a trigger.

When I finally dealt with the PTSD of law-enforcement and MAINLY infidelity I decided to do something about it. Next visit I took the rental the long way. But next morning, I took a drive to the building and went to the main door. I gained entrance and took the stairs to the third floor, where I stood outside our old apartment. This was 15-18 years after the deed, so nobody I knew was still living there... In fact, it reeked of decay. Somehow... I realized that it was only a building. What happened there happened there. By facing it I made it a building rather than a trigger.
Still felt... well... uncomfortable... but in a manageable way.

I was fine with driving past that place from then on.
I was pleasantly surprised when I drove past some years ago – to see the whole damn thing had been knocked down.

BTW – With time, the only thing I regret and miss from that relationship are the LP’s.

Bigger, I've thought about just going there by myself to walk through the place and check out the pool, which I know she and he hung out by for a while. I don't know which room they got, likely different rooms because there were 2 different days, but I don't think that matters as much as just the place in general. Honestly, I'd probably have a pretty major meltdown if I see the room and the fucking bed.

I brought it up to my wife and she had a very strong negative reaction to it. Tears were involved. She practically begged me not to take her there. She wants nothing to do with it, or any other hotel for that matter. She associates it as one of her most horrible memories, which kind of confuses me while at the same time I think I get it. I mean, I'm sure it wasn't "horrible" for her at the time, goddamnit, but she's rewired the whole thing in her brain as something extremely shameful and awful. Her reaction to the suggestion was visceral.

I still think back to those early days and some of the things she said and did, and I still have trouble reconciling who she is now with who she was then. She's really changed on a fundamental level. She's had epilepsy her whole life and while she's not what anyone would consider handicapped, she is wired a little differently and doesn't always process things the way the rest of us do. When I say she really didn't think this through, she really didn't think this through, and I think she's capable of this fundamental change because that's how she's wired. It's not just surface level stuff. It's real change.

She's horrified at herself and is bound and determined to prove to me she loves me, me alone, I'm her number 1, and that she's never, ever, ever going to do something like this again. She's on a mission. She's not a good actor or very good at deception. Not that she isn't capable of it, obviously, but she's not very good at it. I am absolutely convinced something like this will never happen again, tho I say that being fully aware that I never thought something like this would happen in the first place, but despite that it did, I do know her. It's how I caught onto it so early when it turned physical. I can tell when something is off with her. I might not always know what that something is, but I will know when something is up.

So I'm not freaking out thinking she would repeat this with her AP or any other. She despises him now, and it's genuine. I can tell. As amazing as it is, a level of trust has already been restored. I have access to all of her electronics and I know where she's at 24/7. If she's not with me, she's somewhere I've taken her to because she's driving restricted right now, and she has her location on at all times. I don't really check her stuff that often, tho. I just don't feel like I have to. So, progress, right? Right now the biggest issue is me. The damage is intense and I still have moments where just want to curl up into a ball and cry or punch a hole in a wall. Tho for the record, I'm not a punch holes in walls kinda guy, but I do feel like it sometimes.

Most of the time it's good tho. I do love her more than anything still, and I know it's reciprocated. She can't fake that. She isn't really capable of convincingly putting on an act like that. Her actions, attitude, and words are going a long, long way with me right now and she's steadily, easily maintained it for the last 8 months or so with nary a slip up. She's hyper aware of how badly this has hurt me and is constantly asking me "What can I do right now to help you? What do you want me to do?" when I'm down. Sometimes she'll just grab my hand or wrap her arms around me and say she's sorry. She's been very consistent and I am thankful I don't have to put up with a lot of the things I've seen other BS' have had to deal with. I don't have to drag answers out of her or push a conversation. She's a willing participant.

This stuff really stings, tho. It hurts. Even 9 months later it still really hurts, but I know she's extremely remorseful and I know she loves me more than she's ever loved anyone. We're 28 years into the relationship. She calls me "handsome" multiple times a day, and can't keep her hands off of me. Well, we can't keep our hands off of each other, really. I feel loved. I really feel it. I also feel pain too, tho, and it really sucks sometimes. My sweet, innocent, loyal wife has left me with a memory that isn't so sweet, innocent, or loyal anymore. I know now this is going to take a lot of time to get over.