SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

SATURDAY the 18th at a football game I got blindsided by an affair right up to our wedding almost 15 years ago, and she brought him to our wedding.

After staying out until Sunday I came home and when I asked about it and if there where more she swore up and down no and then she went into a panic attack. I had no time to grieve or think, I consoled her and brought her off the edge for the sake of the kids and family. We talked when she calmed down and I was hoping for reconciliation due to her obvious regret. I again pressed her that it was the only time now was the time for full transparency. I sent her to her parents and spent the day with the children after finding out they remained in contact for 5 months past the wedding.

MONDAY she asked to come back and that she really wanted to make it work. I threw out my wedding ring, her dress, and all the pictures. GONE FOREVER. I agreed to allow her to remain and we talked calmly and affectionately, she jumped my bones that night and slept soundly, I however didn't sleep or eat and curled into the couch to stare at the wall and cry alone.

TUESDAY after work she had another "panic attack" and once again I consoled so the children didn't see her like that. I made supper, did homework, played Roblox and went to bed once the house was quiet, I again took the couch.

WEDNESDAY HOLY FUCKING SHIT PILE DAY after work I had come up with a great plan to get the truth out of her because I knew there was more to the story. I told her I had booked a local lie detector test for the following day and if she failed even one answer it would be instant divorce. I knew by her reaction I was in for a shit storm. She hadn't been faithful for the entire relationship, her most recent only months ago. She had been fucking this latest one, 4-5 times so she says, in my truck when she would get fake work calls at night and early mornings. In my truck because her van broke and I let her use it until we could afford to fix the van. No protection and married as well with three kids. I kicked her out of my car and drove away to clear my head. She called and texted several times for me to come back and talk, I stupidly did. While I was gone she had a panic attack again but I am not consoling this time. I told her to come out to my car, I didn't yell I remained very calm and relentlessly bereded her and insulted her until she was so panicked she puked and flopped out of my car in a pile of panic attack. I never laid a hand on her nor even raised my voice while I told her how awful and soulless she was, that I hated her to her very core. I walked away and told her to figure it out herself, I went inside and made supper for our kids (ham, rice, and corn).

Little did I know that when I texted her to come out she had called my sister and her work mates leaving the phone on without my knowledge throughout the entire conversation. My sister texted my two oldest children and told them not to talk to me and to trust her they were in danger and to leave while her dad came and got them. I finished making dinner and set the table for four seeing her dad had picked her up, I called the kids but only the seven year old came to the table, I called my sons phone and heard it ring. I saw the text from MY sister and knew they had taken the kids. I texted her and told her to get them back and she went off saying she heard the whole conversation and that I am abusive and that every time we have fought in the past must have been like that. I called my wife who was now in the hospital with a debilitating panic attack, she didn't answer so I called her dad and he just said he is keeping the kids. Not ten minutes later 3 OPP police officers showed up and detained me on my porch.

Little did I know my wife had started her period and had filled the washroom garbage with bloody tampons and my doggo had decided to feast and make a texas chainsaw massacre scene while I was trying to find the children. So the police needed to go into the house to make sure everyone was fine due to the call from MY SISTER stating I was out of control and in poor mental health. Well when they get to the washroom they think I must have killed my wife and they read me my rights and detained me. I frantically called my wife's father and her repeatedly at this point, all the while I hear my seven year old ask the officer if he would like to play Roblox with her because they are taking me away from the game. Finally my wife talked to the police and everything was cleared up. I asked them the first thing that came to mind when I looked through the window at my beautiful innocent girl laughing and playing "If I was such a danger and such a horrible person why would anyone legitimately concerned for my children take the 11 and 13 year old but leave the 7 year old behind?" They warned me that this was likely a call to prove something untrue at custody hearings in the future, I shook their hands and they left.

THURSDAY my wife and sister came to the house for clothes expecting me to be at work (I have my daughter to take care of and I was in no shape for any work related issues), they send my older children into their rooms to pack bags and try to get my youngest to leave. She said "I am not leaving Daddy's side" and refused to go. I tried to talk to the other kids but they where ushered away immediately.

FRIDAY after threatening to involve a court order my children where returned to me. My wife is staying at my sisters acting like the poor abused wife and again I have no time to grieve the life I thought I had. I booked IC immediately and he is great affirming that I am not at fault and in his 50 years of practice he has never seen something like this. I had a great night of movies, chips, colouring, and of course Roblox. My wife called and stating she wanted to come home now that she is heavily medicated and our sons birthday is Sunday, I told her she could come over Saturday night and stay Sunday.

SATURDAY night rolls around and she comes in and says we can take turns week for week staying at my sisters and I told her to think again. I am staying in my home with what I hope are my children, and she has the legal right to as well in the unfinished basement on our old couch. The children light up as we are all in the same house again and I play nerf and dress in our Halloween costumes for the night.

SUNDAY we have a great day (me smiling and laughing for my sons birthday dying inside) she invites her father and mother and sister over for the party, yes the ones who stole and tried to turn my children on me, so I cook spaghetti sauce all morning and make supper and serve everyone like the good little fuck with a smile for my sons sake. I couldn't eat or talk to these people so I cleaned and went out for many smoke breaks, so many my fingers are now disgustingly yellow. Everyone leaves finally and my "wife" gets into our bed like nothing. I am being made out to be a monster and I have to take care of everything for my children's sake. She has done nothing to reconcile and is using her mental breakdown "from supposed guilt" as a crutch.

FML. Sorry this was so long winded but I am fucking exhausted and destroyed on all levels of manhood and humanity, but I fucking love my children more than myself so for now until separation papers are signed and the house is decided I keep carrying on. I am going to therapy biweekly and am trying to stay afloat. I take responsibility for not being a great husband, I am avoidant and very closed I am learning, but I do not deserve this. I know I am a good man and a great father.

Oh my friend, this is utterly horrible. Please make sure you get a "Betrayal Trauma Therapist". Only they know how help you work through the complex emotions and physical affects of this life changing event. Please know this is likened to...or even worse than ....being wounded in battle and taken a prisoner of war. Why..... because that is done by ENEMIES. This is being done by the one person you thought was your safe space.

Go on YouTube and check out Dr. Jake Porters videos. Will help you get some calmness knowing that what is happening is understood and that there are paths forward.

What helped me survive was seeking God like never before. And in doing that, I realized He was seeking me. He is seeking you.

I am so sorry. Keep talking here, it will help you greatly. 🙏

Thank you, I actually plan on bringing all my children and myself to church moving forward. I need higher purpose to move forward.

Trust me my friend, Jesus is the One you need. He is perfectly suited to save and heal you in more ways than you know. Don't just become religious....seek to KNOW the person of Jesus. His love for you is more than can be explained. 🙏❤️

You need a VAR on you every time you are around her. Consult an attorney immediately. You have a family of enemies who look to be after you. Whatever she has been saying about you must have been for years. Their reaction shows she has poisoned them against you. The sooner you get away from her the better.
I see no redeeming features in her and possibly Borderline PD. I do not have the education to diagnose anyone but her meltdowns look like some sort of PD or a very manipulative personality. She quickly made you the bad guy. Very scary.

I am about a month in now and the separation agreement is signed and submitted. In my province you have to be separated for a year to divorce so I gave this timeline to reconcile if that is what she wants to try. It is going day by day and I have had full access to her phone so I have seen the texts and such to family and friends. She must have been feeling neglected and chastised but not to the level of her texts for years. I found a thread of her and her friend joking and laughing about the affair, when we would have a regular disagreement she would say I was yelling at her all night (never yelled once in many of those events). She has always used me to make herself look better to everyone around. I am finding that she is a pathological people pleaser and I had been worn down for so many years that I was irritable and easily trigger for sure, always put at the bottom of her list of priorities while she was hoisted on a pedestal by me. In retrospect I was not my best self for the last many years and I own it. She, on the other hand, was not respectful or honest the entire relationship.

Just one word to focus on…freedom. Then you can breathe.

First of all, I think your sister acted correctly considering what info she had. She (and probably the whole family) thought this was an abusive situation and pulled your kids and wife out of that.
Now – we know that was not the correct assumption, but the priority was to help the kids.
I get it you feel let down, but maybe find solace in that there was a certain kindness for your kids in their actions.
After all – what do you think is more common in our society – abused women or what you are dealing with?

However... I encourage you to make all stakeholders aware of what’s going on. What you discovered. If your wife is cheating with (numerous) men, having unprotected sex in cars... that’s not normal. That’s risky behavior, and that can be placing you and your kids in danger. You don’t tell the stakeholders (your family, her family etc) to "win" or to be on a higher moral platform, but because irrespective of how this marriage goes she remains the kids mother, and you want her healthy in that role.
That friend – and anyone that knew of the affair and supported it – needs to be out of your life. If your wife can’t accept that... well... then she too needs to be out of your life.

Everyone is aware now, I wrote letters to each individually but I'm working on too much forgiveness and understanding I can take at this moment. Maybe one day I will see it that way but not one person in this scenario tried to talk to me to truly see what my mental state was. But I do see and appreciate your perspective here.

If you don’t feel, or act, negative with other people you have been living in a toxic stew for years. This is your life but how can you reconcile in your mind the fact that she brought an affair into your marriage.
In your culture are you pressured to marry, and to whom? I always assume everyone has a life like mine which is very provincial thinking. My reaction to your history is probably wrong due to that. Your marriage and family might be entirely different in expectations.
I suggest you read Lying in the Ethical Spectacle. Very good explanation of why lying is so corrosive.

Thank you for the suggestion, I will read it. And yes our marriage had issues but a two way street, and maybe I was just blind to it but I was proud of us. I thought it had ups and downs, but love at least. All marriages are work to some degree.

The VAR on you at all times is a good idea - confirm it with your lawyer. The lat thing you need is her lying about abuse. Look into this. Protect yourself.

Hi Gemmy,

I was following your thoughtful posts on the other site and genuinely felt you were getting some excellent, supportive advice. I was sorry to see your account was deleted; that's a shame, and I sincerely hope it wasn't due to anyone being unhelpful or rude.

I want to be clear that I have no agenda to push you toward one decision or another. My aim is simply to reflect on what you've shared and offer an objective perspective on the situation you are describing.

The very fact that the initial discovery of infidelity was devastating enough to bring you to the brink of ending the relationship is a profoundly telling detail. It speaks volumes about your boundaries and your initial expectation of monogamy and trust. Given that intense reaction to a single instance, it logically follows that the subsequent, multiple discoveries—revealing a pattern that has persisted for the entire duration of your relationship—must surely be a catastrophic blow.

How can one reconcile the fundamental shock and pain of the first discovery with the decision to remain in a relationship where this behavior has been the baseline reality? This sustained deception fundamentally changes the foundation you thought the relationship was built upon. It's crucial to acknowledge that you are not dealing with a slip-up but a sustained pattern of behavior, which requires a much deeper level of acceptance or a significantly stronger resolve to leave.

I struggle to imagine that a partnership punctuated by consistent and long-term infidelity represents the best-case scenario or the highest value you can hope to salvage with your remaining time and energy.

Time is a finite, precious resource. Dedicating your future to continually attempting to repair, monitor, and forgive a relationship that has been fundamentally dishonest from its inception demands a significant toll—emotionally, mentally, and potentially financially. While you have every right to pursue reconciliation if you genuinely feel it's what you want, you must weigh the cost of that effort against the potential for finding peace, trust, and genuine happiness in an entirely new chapter.

Based on the information you have previously shared, here is a concise summary of the dynamics at play:

* Perpetual Infidelity: The infidelity has been established as a constant throughout the entire relationship, not an isolated incident.
* Absence of Remedial Action: She has reportedly done nothing tangible to truly warrant or facilitate reconciliation. True reconciliation requires genuine remorse, transparency, and consistent effort to rebuild trust, which seems to be missing.
* Shifting the Narrative (The Victim Role): She is making active efforts to cast herself as the victim in the situation. This strategy is often a form of emotional manipulation intended to deflect accountability, distract you from her actions, and make you feel responsible for the discord.
* Abuse Allegations: She is actively portraying you as an abuser. This is an extremely serious and damaging tactic. It serves to isolate you, discredit your pain, and create a narrative that makes it incredibly difficult for you to process the truth and seek support.

It is very early days in terms of truly processing this reality. However, now is the time to begin a period of deep self-reflection. Instead of focusing on her or the marriage, focus on you and your needs.

Start to think about what a successful outcome looks like for you personally:

* To Heal: Do you primarily need space, time, and solitude to process the trauma and recover your sense of self and self-worth?
* To Maintain the Marriage at All Costs: Is the legal/social structure of the marriage more important than your personal emotional well-being? If so, you need a plan for managing a relationship that has, by your account, no trust.
* To Go Back to the Way Things Were: This is the most complex ask. The "way things were" was a period based on a severe deception. The reality you experienced was a comfortable illusion. The truth you know now cannot be undone. You may achieve a new normal, but a return to the ignorance that defined the past is likely impossible.

This site, and others like it, have astonishing resources for whatever path you choose, but you must first clearly define the destination.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 10:18 PM, Friday, November 21st]

Thank you for taking the time for such a thorough response. Yes the other site went sideways as the friend she had on the phone found the post and was sharing my account with others at my wife's work. I am trying to keep the full truth from my children to keep thier illusion of thier mother clean. There is no reason to involve them further. A lot of people thought I was making it up and spamming my dm's.

Yes I don't believe it is able to be saved but I am in counseling and MC starts Sunday. The least I can do is give my children one more "happy" Christmas as a complete family.

They know something is profoundly off, my eldest has asked my wife "what did you do to dad? I have never seen him cry so much in my life"

I am trying to own my own short comings and be as honorable as my emotions flow. I have lost 30lbs already and am getting 40 minutes of sleep a night, I know this is not sustainable.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some great unpinned posts that are helpful. You can find them by looking for the bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources. Please be sure to read the Tactical Primer.

Please practice lots of self-care right now. Focus on your healing and your children. I'm glad you've got IC lined up but thought I'd mention that your children may need some counseling, too. That was a whole lotta crazy they witnessed.

If you're having trouble with depression or sleep, you may wish to talk to your doctor about meds if you feel the need. You may also want to get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there.

Stay hydrated. If you're having trouble eating, try to down something - even if it's a protein shake. Exercise helps work of the anger. You can experience all kinds of emotions - we call it the emotional rollercoaster and it can take you on a ride at any time.

Please be cautious near your WW (wayward wife). I second the suggestion about having a VAR on you. You may also wish to check with your lawyer because laws regarding one-sided recording vary. Some people do some crazy things.

I am in counseling and MC starts Sunday

Individual counseling: YES ABSOLUTELY.

Marriage Counseling: ABSOLUTELY NOT. This would be a critical, yet sadly, common mistake this early. I urge you to reconsider. The marriage didn’t cheat a million times. She did.

Trying to "fix" the marriage with the cheater behaving like your wife is not going to work. MC with her right now is like just going to be a waste of time & $.

She’s clearly not interested in Reconciling.

Your $ is better spent on individual counseling

First, we'll work on why Mrs. Gemmy had the need to go outside the relationship. This was literally what our Gottman trained MC said to us (with different names). Frankly, this is blameshifting responsibility to the betrayed spouse. After advice and reading other posts on SI, I told MC that I respectfully disagree with her comments. She rephrased, but I was still on high alert.

If she wants to R, she should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass.

Infidelity sucks.

I'm very sorry you qualify for membership in SI. Life is very rocky right now, and waves keep bashing you against the rocks, but you can get through this and heal. Your future can be bright.

Many SIers have found MC useful soon after d-day - IF the MC is competent. The same goes for IC - it can help IF the IC is competent. There are more reports on SI of incompetent MCs and ICs, though, so it's best to think critically about the Cs you start with - and incompetent C can do harm.

Starting with some goals usually makes Counseling more effective. What do you hope or expect to get from MC?

If you D - and your WS doesn't look like a good candidate for R right now - your best bet is to talk to your kids in an age appropriate way. They know more than you think they do, and the age-appropriate truth is better than lies.

A d-day is a crisis that is very difficult to prepare for. Personally, I think it's impossible to prepare for a first d-day. You're going to have to blaze your own trail through this wilderness. The thing is: you CAN blaze your own trail, especially if you find good help. You probably already are strong enough to do what you need to do; if you don't, you can develop it. Have faith in yourself to create a new good life for yourself and your kids.

One of the first steps is to examine all advice critically. Often people assume what worked for them works for others. That's probably true in some cases, but there's no one-size-fits-all where healing from being betrayed is concerned, Healing requires you to do what's best for you (and your kids), and that means checking all advice to figure out if and how it applies to you.

I was sorry to see your account was deleted; that's a shame, and I sincerely hope it wasn't due to anyone being unhelpful or rude.

I posted my story on another... site, and was dogpiled by a couple of people, one of whom told me that my wife "needed to cheat."

There are some real pos' on a certain other site and I'm not even slightly surprised that others might have been chased off. Some places should be avoided like the plague if you're a newly betrayed spouse.