SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After his affair in 2011, I gave him another chance. Now here we are 14 years later and I am done. I don't think he is had another affair but he is a chronic liar. He is also a financial disaster. I have asked him to find help to control his debt. Our Credit Union was giving a debt free class and I asked him to go find advice. That same day he bought a 6000$ bicycle. He then lies and lies about how he got the greatest deal in the whole world. Financially he does cover some expenses but I know he has credit cards that are maxed out. We have always kept our finances separate but at the end his actions affect the family.

It does not matter what we talk or agree on, he ends up doing whatever he wants, I get upset, he waits until I calm down and the cycle repeats over and over again. It is like raising a rebel child. Another deal breaker for me is the fact he always has had a female friend who knows the truth of what he is doing and he tells her about his frustrations with me. He has an emotional connection with her that he does not have with me. He has always loved to play the victim. He is passive aggresive and I am more bold and loud so it works out perfectly for him.

I want to file for divorce. I have always known we would end up divorced eventhough the family aspect has been nice but finally all the baggage has caught up to me. Also, financially I don't want to have any connection with him,

Would love to try a friendly divorce but I have no idea how he will react. We have a 17 and a 15 y/o. We will all have to deal with this. Finally the moment has arrived. I am not even angry or sad. I just need to get this done once and for all. Any advice?

see three or four lawyers to find the one that you click with. Also, if you see them even once, then your WS can’t use them.
Ask questions on how to protect yourself financially - you do share debt as a married couple, so this will be critical.

And it will only be friendly if he also goes with that. So just do your best and don’t engage if he tries to bait you.

Financial infidelity is also a betrayal, so it makes sense that you are done. I am glad you are looking out for you,

It does not matter what we talk or agree on, he ends up doing whatever he wants, I get upset, he waits until I calm down and the cycle repeats over and over again. It is like raising a rebel child.

23 years of this same exact B.S. here. And it isn't just financial, it is every little thing with my SAWH. If I point "left" he has to move "right" first, then tell me he's just getting around to doing whatever needed to be done to move "left!" It's crazy-making and only makes sense to me when I picture him as a toddler stuck in the "Mommy NO!" Stage. So really I feel like I get it! But seriously, you know and I know they are not going to change at this late date, if nothing has changed all this while. And mine wants his "Mommy" to stick around and take his B.S. too.

I hope you have talked with a lawyer regarding the legal status of shared debt even if you are NOT on his accounts. I have heard it said that creditors will consider a spouse responsible for unpaid balances but I don't know if that's true in your state or your case.

Once you have seen a lawyer, I feel like you will be ready to make your next move. I'm wishing I was right behind you. I don't have children, however.

Same situation here, but am waiting it out because I’m a huge earner and would lose everything in alimony, etc. a month ago he signed an agreement that if I stay my alimony drops 10% a year.

Right now it’s worth it….. lol but it’s Deal or No Deal every anniversary, lol.

Just wanted to interject something a good friend of mine said- (he is also the higher earner).

"Make sure you only marry someone that has an anaphylactic allergy to something….."

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 4:46 PM, Tuesday, November 11th]

I am also going to lose a lot financially and he will gain a lot financially. But if I keep postponing the D I will lose more every year.

In any case, that's the price I have to pay to earn my peace. I am thinking if I should tell him I want a D and try to do it amicably or just go directly through an attorney which means even more financial losses considering how much they charge.

Go to lawyer first and take their advice. Your WS may start spending like crazy just to screw you over or something dumb like that.

It does not matter what we talk or agree on, he ends up doing whatever he wants, I get upset, he waits until I calm down and the cycle repeats over and over again. It is like raising a rebel child.

Could've written this myself, except in my case, he would pout and push until I gave in and told him to just do what he wanted. Totally understand you being done.

Tiger, depending on the laws in your state, you might be protected against further financial transactions on his part after you file. You don't necessarily have to go through a lawyer for that initial filing, and if he *is* remorseful and wants to save on legal fees, you can go through a mediator even if you've retained a lawyer. In my experience so far, mediators don't want lawyers involved until the final review of court papers, but they're open to each person having a lawyer to do that. Many mediators are also lawyers and can advise on what kind of behavior is and isn't allowed at the different stages of a divorce. There's a lot of variation across states and countries.

As for the kids, if you're trying to be friendly, it's best to sit down and tell them together so that they can see your cooperation with each other.

I will say that if your WS is like mine, he will take a few months to accept that the divorce is really happening, and he might try to convince you not to divorce him, so be prepared for that. On the plus side, so far he's been good about keeping things amicable.

Chronic liar? Check

Sneaky AF? Check

Say what you want to hear and then does whatever he wants? Check

Petulant, rebellious toddler? Check

Thinks he can wait out anything and it will go away (even a 7-year affair)? Check

Passive agressive? Oh, hell yes.

Plays the eternal victim? Ditto.

Used his A to complain about me? Once again, check.

Did we marry the same mess? It certainly sounds like it. And yep, it took me about as long to figure out that mine had no intention of changing (see waiting ANY f-up out, above). For all I know, he’s still waiting for me to magically forget what happened. He certainly has never addressed any of his issues (what issues, right? I was the problem.)

You are going to lose a couple hundred pounds of oppressive dead weight soon. I would never say it will be easy or he’ll go down without a kicking, screaming tantrum, but when you know it’s over, you know, and when you’re done, you’re done.

And to all my sisters (and brothers) here married to the same mess, hugs of solidarity to you all. We have survived in spite of them.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 7:59 AM, Friday, November 14th]

Chronic liar? Check

Sneaky AF? Check

Say what you want to hear and then does whatever he wants? Check

Petulant, rebellious toddler? Check

Thinks he can wait out anything and it will go away (even a 7-year affair)? Check

Passive agressive? Oh, hell yes.

Plays the eternal victim? Ditto.

Used his A to complain about me? Once again, check.

I think we all may have been involved with the same man. LOL

If this rings a bell of similarity, just know it won't get better with time. Cut your losses and try to move on. There is nothing "friendly" in a divorce. You are two separate people that shared a life, that now have to divide everything and it's an emotional, and financial battle.

The winner is the one that can keep a level head, keeps emotion out of the equation, and gets a resolution that is financially in their best interests. It's a business transaction, and the moment you do anything other than what benefits you or your kids best you will end up on the short end of the stick. Take no prisoners, get everything you're entitled to and do not fall into the "pity" trap of worrying about if it's good for them or not. When the dust settles you want to know that you were ethical, logical and you stood up for your own best interests. This will play out for years if you have children. You don't have to be cruel, but don't be taken advantage of. A level headed attorney will tell you what to expect.

Think long term, if you have kids. Include all the things that may come up and have it written in the decree. College, cars, insurance, school related expenses, prom, clothes, sports, cell phones. What you don't prepare for you'll end up paying for, as in most cases men walk away and leave us with the tab for raising them.

Remember in today's economy most kids out of high school can't support themselves, they can't afford to live independently so they may live at home for a LONG time. You still have to feed, clothe, and pay utilities as they slowly get the tools to learn to fly. I think on average statistically many are home well into their mid 20's due to the cost of apartments, and the qualifications. One of my sons makes 88k a year (just started) after a bachelors in engineering, and he barely qualified for a one bedroom apartment.

Men on the other hand walk out one door, and move straight across into a new situation without blinking an eye. We have to manage the mess left behind, heal kids, heal ourselves and live lives that we never thought we'd have.

[This message edited by Muggle at 5:27 PM, Friday, November 21st]