SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have drifted in and out of this forum for years. The affair happened in 2016 (I am BW) and this website was the only thing that saved me.

Here is my most recent concern. My husband (WH) and I reconciled in 2016 and for the most part, it was the right decision to do so. We have tried to put things back together. The topic comes up from time to time and I guess it always will. Clearly, I haven't forgotten one detail of what happened.

But now he has stage 4 cancer, with lots of ups and downs. For some reason, the more ill that he becomes, I find that I'm focusing on the affair. I'm ashamed to say that I have even thought to myself, "I wish it could have been the OW here with him now instead of me!" I do love him and when he is gone, I will be terribly lonely and sad, but for now, I find that I'm more angry than ever. Not all the time, but it surfaces.

Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing?

First of all, I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I have not directly dealt with that particular scenario, but I have known others that have. I think it’s fairly normal to guard your heart and to have all of the feelings from love to hate to happy to sad. When death brings stages, if not just for the dying. You may be experiencing the same stages, that would include anger. You may be trying to protect yourself with thinking that you’d rather it be the other woman there because you know how hard it is. All this can be perfectly normal and you need to be gentle on yourself. Maybe look ahead at grief groups and maybe even start going to one now if you feel so inclined. That might help you process everything. I think at the end of the day, you are human and you are normal in everything you are thinking. Big hugs and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Deena gave you great advice. I have none, but I do think what you are describing sounds totally normal. Your brain is seeing that your WS is once again hurting you (although this time not by choice). it can’t differentiate - just sees the warning flags go up.

Journal, join a support groups or IC, and give yourself a TON of grace.

So sorry you are going through this.

I too am sorry that you are feeling this way. Deena gave great insight! She said some things even my Grief Support group I attended didn't go deeply into, although it was a great help and I felt less lost in grief due to the lessons they share. I think what you are dealing with is a combination of "anticipatory grief" with "complicated grief." But yes, it makes sense to me thst you would now have these feelings about it.

My wife survived stage III cancer. I resolved to support her to the best of my ability and I think that I did. But like with everything else, the betrayal complicated my feelings, especially when I was with her during chemo sessions. Like you, I got angry. I didn’t know why at the time but I couldn’t stop thinking about why I was angry. Eventually, I concluded that I was conflicted. Before Dday I would have gladly taken a bullet for her. After being shown that my devotion to her was not even close to being fully reciprocal, I stopped placing her life higher in my priorities than my own. I journaled at the time about this, so I know what I was thinking. I was angry because I should have been able to ask God to switch places with her, but her affair took that off the table. I pondered whether maybe there was a bright side to the affair. If she died, I wouldn’t be losing the perfect wife that I thought I had before Dday. But I found no relief with that thought. I still loved her very much and did not want to lose her, never mind see her suffer. But it pissed me off that I even had to think such things or feel any conflicted emotions.

I think this is normal. I no longer "jump" when I hear my wife say ouch and I've noticed I no longer cater as deeply to her when she is upset or hurt.

I think a certain amount of caring has been permanently destroyed because of the affair. Or maybe I am just guarding myself, not letting myself get as attached as I used to be. Either way it just seems to be the new reality

Double tap

[This message edited by WB1340 at 4:47 PM, Monday, October 13th]

I think there has to be something that really stings about thinking that the OW got to have all the fun while you get the day-to-day drudgery and now the heart-break of caring for him while he's dying. Plus there is the all the time and happiness that was stolen during the affair.

I think your feelings are raw honesty. And I am glad you are getting that off your chest.

I also suspect your WH is thinking what his life would be like had it been OW sitting with him and realizing he outlook would not be so good. I also suspect he is realizing more and more how his shitty decision of the A will affect him. If he isn't already - he will probably soon be self reflecting on how that A affects what he believes in the hereafter.

If those feelings get to much, please seek IC. You are entitled to them. You are entitled to get enraged by them. You are allowed to curse circumstance. Please find a healthy outlet for that.

Thank you all for the absolutely wonderful advice. This is a complicated time for me.

Notsogreatexpectations: I am reacting to my husband's illness exactly as you did to your wife's. I also have felt that the horrible betrayal 10 years ago is bound to serve me well in my grief by lessening the pain of his death. As nutty as that sounds, it is absolutely the truth. I will grieve, but I really don't think that I could have handled this kind of loss without knowing how little that he loved me at that time.

On a few occasions, I have caught him crying and he tells me that he loves me so much. I love him too. It is all so sad and confusing.

Hi Dolly, Just being able to identify with someone else’s situation makes this site invaluable. It is really comforting to know that you are not alone and you are not crazy. Glad we corroborated each other.

I expect that your husband is getting introspective. As Samuel Johnson said, "Depend on it, Sir, when a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully." I expect that it is also concentrating your mind. Be strong. You survived a broken heart. You know how to grieve and come out the other side. You didn’t ask for advice and I apologize for offering this unsolicited, but I found it profound and sharing it may help. I saw this on the HBO series, The Pitt. The Noah Wyle character, an ER doc told a family who were saying goodbye to their terminal father that there were four traditional things to say: (1) I love you, (2) Thank you, (3) Forgive me, and (4) I forgive you. I wish I’d known this when I had to say goodbye to my father.

Best wishes.

NSGE