SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What is missing IMHO is what YOU want.
We know he want’s back. We know that you have deducted that because he didn’t file himself then maybe he still loves you.
BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I would ask your attorney the following:
Are post-nups legal in the UK, and how do they work. Quick google indicates they are...

If your husband truly was willing to work towards saving the marriage, then he might be willing to sign whatever proposition your attorney had ready back in April. Your attorney could hold on to that and not file it unless you ask him to do so. That – or/and a post-nup might give you the confidence you need to possibly attempt reconciliation.

At the same time. If you are a "normal" couple with a house, mortgage, debts and some assets... there really isn’t any way he can make divorce a drawn-out multi-year process. Get your attorney to confirm that, but I’m guessing that from the day you say go (file) until you are free of him in most aspects is maybe a year. Probably less.

When a man comes back it's rarely because he suddenly realized he loves you. It's because KARMA arrived, and you were the safest option available. He missed how easy it was to be with you. He wants to be forgiven for shit he wasn't interested in changing when he knew he was causing you and your son pain and confusion.

His ego has taken a blow, he's scrambling now to fix what he broke. I would suspect his intentions might not be rooted in love but more in desperation. His fantasy blew up and now he is facing the consequences of his actions. Ask yourself how much he cared when he was somewhere else with someone else? If you can honestly say he appeared to not care enough to stop then what's to say he won't do it again.

Taking them back is a personal choice only you can make. Once they learn that you will forgive them, then they know you may do it again. Now he's lonely, confused and crawling back. Perhaps she cut it off. You won't know the real circumstances as he may lie to avoid admitting the truth. He likely hasn't changed, he just wants to go home where it's safe. YOU are that safety. Does he deserve that?

Maybe she didn't want to put up with him, or she realized if he did it to you he could do the same to her. Would he forgive you if the tables were turned?

My advise would be to trust your gut. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I took the path of forgiveness and he proceeded to do it over and over again. Each time was worse.

A man that isn't faithful is the same as being alone. Make the decision that is best for you, but do so with the mindset that your efforts may be in vain, and if he does it again, he will hide it better. You will always be looking over your shoulder waiting for it to happen again. If he's not willing to get therapy, and be 100% transparent until he earns your trust (if ever) it will be a hard road to travel for you.

You have my prayers. I 1000% understand what you are feeling.

Thank you, Muggle. You put into words exactly what I already know and feel. This is precisely what I fear could happen, and that is why I feel so deeply torn. I do not want to be with the man he is today after everything he has done.

The only reason I even consider allowing him to come back is our son. He is nine years old and misses his father every single day, and there are moments when I genuinely don’t know how to ease his pain.

I miss the idea of our family, even though deep down I know it can never truly be our family again. The truth is that for my child to have his father at home, I would have to sacrifice myself — and that is not something I want for myself. My son has even asked me to do whatever I can to let his father come back, and I struggle with how to respond to that.

I know I would never be happy with this man. I am fully aware of the risk that he could betray me again. He once said he was in love with another woman — perhaps he still is. I know he could disappoint me and hurt me all over again.

Sometimes I wish I could turn off my emotions and stay with him with a cold heart for the sake of my son. But I also know that living that way would not teach my child anything healthy about love.

I need to put an end to this cycle and focus on rebuilding my life and being fully present for my son. I need to find the inner strength to do that.

Thank you again for your words, and I’m truly sorry that you understand this pain so well.

mari, I can understand how difficult it must be to see your son in pain and wanting his family back. Many of us would walk through fire for our children, so how is this any different? But it is - because imagine what will happen to your son if you let your WH back into your lives and then he walks out on both of you again. Not only will you be devastated, your son (who might be a teenager by then) will also be incredibly hurt and angry.

If I were in your shoes, I would proceed with the divorce and tell your son that if dad makes things right, you can always get remarried to him (which is true). How your WH behaves during and after the divorce will tell you if he really cares about his family or as Muggle says, if he's just trying to ease his pain.

I worry, though, about your statement that he didn't end things with AP until after you told him that was a boundary. I think that should've been obvious to him, and it's the kind of thing he would've done on his own if he had truly changed. I'll also echo Bigger a bit - your own feelings matter, and they can change a lot in the years to come, even if you try to reconcile, even if your WH does everything perfectly from here on out. I can say from experience that loving someone who was in love with someone else and acted on it for a long time is not easy to sustain. My feelings toward stbx degraded as the months went on, even as his feelings for me started to return. Just knowing how completely he had stopped loving me eventually destroyed my love for him (and this was 2 years after dday). Don't discount that in your own situation, too.

R is a two-way street, and if you don't want it, you don't have to sacrifice yourself for your son. Get him a decent therapist, continue to support him, and in a year or two, he will adjust, and one day when he's much older, you can explain why you had to leave his dad and he'll understand.