SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just an update - WS and I sat down with our teen (nearly 16yo) today and told her we're separating.

I'd written a minimal note to say that WS and I have been dealing with challenges in our marriage for a few years, that we'd tried counseling, but it wasn't working out, so we're going to stop living as a married couple. We assured her that nothing would change in her daily routine, that we are on good terms and would do our best to co-parent her.

She said she wasn't surprised at the news. In one of her therapy sessions last spring, they talked about how my being in a rental with her during the week was nearly a separation from WS, so has had some time to consider it. She didn't offer up much detail, said she was feeling fine about it, and after a few minutes, went back to her room to keep playing a video game with a friend.

WS and I were very relieved that it went so quickly and smoothly. I'm anticipating that there could be some longer term fallout as our kid really processes it, but I don't think it will be severe, thank goodness! WS was a bit stunned by her response (as usual, his anxiety about it all was through the roof, though all of the disclosures to family and friends have gone better than he expected). I wasn't sure how our kid would react, but I had anticipated that "Obviously, mom and dad," might be a possibility.

So that's it. Now everyone important knows. I can tell local friends and extended family about what's really going on. And now we start the work of actually splitting up all our property, finding a mediator, and doing the paperwork.

To paraphrase Eliot, this is how my marriage ends, not with a bang but a whimper.

It said that cheaters do not realize how many people an affair air affects. They don't realize their selfish actions destroy trust, family, finances, future plans and leave permanent damage

I’m so sorry you have had to go through all of that, but I’m glad to hear your daughter seems to have taken it in stride. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about ever possibly being at that point in our now fragile marriage. We have three older daughters who are all married & moved out, but we still have a 15 year old son at home. He knows about our situation (diminished & sanitized version), and has already shown some signs of emotional avoidance & mild depression.

I’m curious… why are you surprised by her lack of surprise? As you described your situation, you and your husband have been living mostly a part and have been emotionally estranged for a while.

I’m glad that she seemed to handle the announcement well and it wasn’t an explosive or fraught situation.

BluerThanBlue, I honestly wasn't sure how she would respond. I figured it might be pretty blase (as it was), but I also wanted to be prepared for the worst case scenario (she was shocked). She is on the autism spectrum and doesn't always pick up on social cues. WS and I have been friendly the whole time, and until last year, there were hugs and kisses where she could see them, sleeping in the same bed, etc.

We also had good reasons for taking the apartment outside of any marital issues, so I wasn't sure if she was taking everything at face value or if she was questioning it. Now I know for sure. Her reaction didn't surprise me that much - it was WS who expected it to be much worse. I just didn't want to assume in advance how she would react, so I was trying to keep an open mind.

I'm still half expecting there to be some sadness or depression at some point, depending on how she views marriage. Then again, teenagers are pretty wrapped up in their own lives, so as long as there's no negative impact to her directly, maybe it won't be a big deal. One day, when she is older and considering marriage or long-term commitment, I plan to have a more open conversation about what really happened, but she is really interested in human psychology, so even knowing that her dad had affairs might not cause all that much shock or anger. I had no idea of the trauma infidelity can cause until it happened to me. I'm sure it's like that for everyone.