SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Right now I am 42 and my wife is 46. We have been married for 19 years and we have a 19 year old daughter and 15 year old son. I filed for a divorce three months ago.

In 2018 my wife was messaged by an old friend of hers and she slept with him. Months later she told me about it but she was explicit when she told me that they did not have sex. I remember this very clearly that she told me they did not have sex. I don't know what I thought they did but since she told me they didn't I believed her. I think part of that was denial on my part but when your wife tells you something , you assume she is telling the truth.

When I finally learned months later that they did have sex , she told me something that really was the nail in the coffin for our marriage as I see it: She told me that she did not feel guilty about it. So not only did she have an affair she basically rubbed my nose in it.

She told me that our marriage was not particularly bad at the time that she had her affair. This actually makes it much worse because it's basically impossible for me to trust a woman ever again. I can understand someone having an affair when things are difficult in the marriage but if things are going well and the risk of an affair is still there, it just ruins the concept of trust for me. She was turning 40 and apparently felt entitled to have an affair. That's the best explanation that I got.

Cut to 7 years later in 2025, and I realized that she's never asked me for forgiveness, and the emotional disconnect between us is there in large part because I can't trust her. I always think that she's at risk of having another affair. We went to counseling but much of what I have a problem with i've only recently realized so I didn't bring this up in counseling. Once again I do think I was in denial. Sometimes people do that to avoid pain.

She said she was sorry at one point , but she never asked me for forgiveness and never made any attempt at rebuilding the trust that she broke. I got treated like a child who can't handle the truth and who was only told what happened months after the fact. Actually, that's not even true because after I filed for divorce , I learned that it was not just a one time thing , but actually a five month thing. I don't know what to believe.

Learning this totally broke me apart. The idea that she could lie to me like that and still live with me and say that she loved me is so difficult for me to understand.

I never cheated on her. We had good sex all throughout the marriage and we even agree now that she will never have better sex than she did with me.

My wife, prior to the divorce, has told me that she didn't plan on being a 50 year marriage and not having sex with other people. She told me that she lost respect for me after the 2024 election. These are basically deal breakers but I tried so hard to make things work, but it can't work when one person feels like they're pulling all the weight and taking the risks in the marriage. Her approach to our marriage was so lazy and the way that she told me about her affair was so cowardly. She should have sat me down and been honest with me and gave me a chance to forgive her or at least weigh my options. Instead, she lied, and I got a piecemeal approach and she never even told me the truth anyway. But this would only be done by someone who felt guilt about what they did and as I said she told me she didn't. I should have been given the option to forgive her or not. I think if she had wanted me to I would have been capable of doing it but I still needed her to work more to regain my trust, which she never did. She always complained about how her family swept their problems under the rug but this is exactly what she was doing.

So here we are a few months away from signing papers. I'll have to pay a bunch of money in alimony and we'll split the house and all of that. The conversations that we've had after deciding to divorce have been fascinating because there's no pressure anymore in saying the wrong thing. I can finally be honest with my wife for the first time with no risk. It really feels like a weight is off both of our shoulders. If we wanted to stay married, this would be a very good example of turning the page to a new chapter of marriage, but we both agree that we will do better as friends going forward. The funny thing is we had good sex up until the time that we decided to divorce. It's not like that completely shut off. But I would say the emotional aspect of our relationship was severely lacking over the last several years.

I still need her to do something to show some respect to me and earn at least some of my trust back. She is too reactive and not very proactive so i'm not holding my breath.

All in all we agree that we raised two wonderful children and our marriage simply ran its course. She has moved out to an apartment in a neighboring town and i'm staying at our house with our son and will likely do so until he is done with high school.

I'll never get a true explanation as to why she had her affair because I don't even think she knows why she did it. I think after everything is said and done I will ask for a full accounting of the affair so I can finally lay this to rest. I've been in therapy (and work as therapist for others) and this has helped, and I'm feeling good about the future in general although this has been very difficult.

A few things come to mind after reading your post.

Based on how you've described your wife, a divorce seems like it could be a blessing. When a partner chooses to stay after an affair, the bare minimum they deserve from their spouse is remorse and regret. It appears she's incapable of both.

How can you consider her a worthy partner if she doesn't regret cheating on you? It's incredibly hard to believe this was her only affair, considering she seems to have no moral issues with infidelity and no regrets. Even if this were her only affair, it would likely be due to a lack of opportunity rather than a sense of respect for you or your marriage.

What was her justification for not feeling guilty for the affair? How did she phrase that? It's a cruel and absurd thing to say to a spouse.

It might be too late now, but since she felt entitled to the affair—which is often the mindset of cheaters—did you ever ask her if you were also entitled to have one? If so, what was her response?

My assessment is that she's incapable of telling you the truth or feeling genuine regret. She doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with you. A person who makes an election choice their "deal-breaker" after so many years together is likely not being truthful. It's highly probable she is a narcissist. You should get out now while you can and find some peace.

They say life begins a 50, you've got a head start.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 8:31 PM, Monday, August 4th]

Thanks - I thought life began at 40? :)

I really loved her, and I don't know if it's a woman/man thing or if we just saw the marriage differently but she did say some things that left me beaten down. I am working on seeing this as a new opportunity to improve myself. Not sure I'll ever get married again. It'd be nice to get some validation from a woman but I'm sure that will come at some point.

While I'm not religious myself, you particular details remind me of a frequently quoted passage on this forum. Proverbs 30:20. This is the way of an adulterous woman: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, "I have done nothing wrong".

I know there is a "no politics" rule on this forum. But I'm a little curious... You state "She told me that she lost respect for me after the 2024 election."

Because you voted the "wrong way"?

I mean, I can hazard a guess which way that might have been, but there has been a bit of a movement to "divorce your husband if he voted for". You can let google auto complete...

I mean, it's not like your political alignment has shifted significantly during your marriage has it?

I've had a mini version of this experience with my wife this last election, where previously it never bothered her that I vote third party.

Sounds like you were married and she never was.

Divorce seems the natural and right thing to do. As in it's just signing off on what's actually occurred.

One can easily disagree with someone's politics and still respect them. The way she states she "lost respect" means she doesn't actually understand what respect is or why it should be given, and that she's manipulative, controlling, and conditionally tolerant.

She has a selfish, low level of thinking with very little conscientiousness. You're just an object in her life, you're not really a human relationship with your own needs and desires which she wants to care for.

That's why the situation shouldn't put you off women per se - these are inadequacies on her part specifically. Look for higher development and true consideration (not transactional manipulation) in others, these are a much better bet for a marital partner.

Have you told your children, and told them why? I'd advise you to keep that conversation as emotionless as possible. It's good that they're old enough to bear up better under the family breaking apart. Though it's still better for them to know the truth rather than being soured by a one-sided narrative.

Your story is painful to read. I hope you're caring for yourself properly and finding good - and private - outlets for your emotions. You sound like you're taking everything head-on, which is good; the only way out is through.

God bless,

-M

"She told me that our marriage was not particularly bad at the time that she had her affair. This actually makes it much worse because it's basically impossible for me to trust a woman ever again. I can understand someone having an affair when things are difficult in the marriage but if things are going well and the risk of an affair is still there, it just ruins the concept of trust for me."

☝🏼This!!! My wife admitted that I was a great husband and that our marriage was good, and even told the AP so…

Reading here on SI, I've come to realize that adultery has very little to do with the quality of a marriage, good or bad. It has mostly to do with the quality of the betrayer.

Well you’ve pretty much described my WW. No remorse, no empathy. She would get mad at me and essentially abandon me when I was feeling sad about the affair or about her not doing the work. She never wanted to go to therapy, and she never wanted to talk about the affair again. I have come to understand that she had checked out of the marriage a long long time ago. Signing the dissolution papers tomorrow.

Reading here on SI, I've come to realize that adultery has very little to do with the quality of a marriage, good or bad. It has mostly to do with the quality of the betrayer.

Yep!

Reading here on SI, I've come to realize that adultery has very little to do with the quality of a marriage, good or bad. It has mostly to do with the quality of the betrayer.

This is probably the biggest epiphany I have had since becoming a member of this club. I was one of those people who always thought "happy women don’t cheat. Either the marriage or YOU caused this". Then when I found out the times my wife cheated, I understood "some" of them. The marriage was shit. But other times, the marriage was good to great. She was in an active affair when we were moving into our dream house and felt as "close" as we ever had. WTF?

But after digging into the specifics of the infidelities, I realized the marriage "got bad" AFTER she had cheated or started an inappropriate relationship. She would sabotage the marriage to justify the cheating. She can’t just be the low-life cheater, the marriage (or me) caused it. Later on, she didn’t bother sabotaging the marriage anymore. Just "did her thing".

I learned the marriage wasn’t "shitty". She was…….

I recognize I wasn't perfect, that's for sure, but she is her own person with agency and choices to make, and she made the choice to step out.

Reading here on SI, I've come to realize that adultery has very little to do with the quality of a marriage, good or bad. It has mostly to do with the quality of the betrayer.

Like we often say here:
They cheat despite you, not because of you.