SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As you will see over and over on these pages, cheating has nothing to with real love. It is pure selfishness. Real love does not lead one to betray a partner and children and display the worst side of him. He will not change and will discard the OW when he feels like it. Many describe their partner as being taken over by an alien. He will continue to try and hurt you as you interact. No contact equals no new hurts. Get a legal separation. You deserve better.

Out of curiosity do you think he does really love the OW or is it a fog? Do they ever realise the hurt and stuff they caused or are they just oblivious to it all?

He believes he really loves this woman. Unfortunately that is his current mindset.

He is also in a fog — he’s not seeing the reality of his situation. He’s infatuated w/ her right now. It’s new. It’s exciting. He’s thriving on the drama.

When the OW gets tired of his drama, she may decide to end it completely. Or she may give an ultimatum. Or she may decide to stay with him but get tired of his $ going to alimony &/or child support and look for someone else who doesn’t have those issues.

Where you need to be concerned is his thinking he can live with you & kids and treat you so terribly. I was in your shoes for 6 months of the same drama - much younger OW who kept pushing my H to D me. I heard all the ways I was horrible, mean, not supportive, controlling, no fun etc. So I am very much aware of your day to day life and how horrible it is. I’ve had that exact experience (except my H never left our home).

The only thing you can do is save yourself and stop the onslaught of verbal abuse he is throwing at you.

Get. Him. Out. Of. Your. House.

ASAP!

You need to become immune to his hollow words as well.

I don’t care what happens in the future but please do not EVER feel obligated to take him back.

When this current affair blows up (and the odds are it will) and he has nowhere to go (yet again) you cannot continue to rescue him.

He is not your child. You don’t need to support him. As you stated you will NEVER forget the nasty things he has said to you. He needs to "hate you" for a few reasons - to show the OW he’s committed to her, to justify the affair in his mind AND to have a "reason" to try to pit the kids against you.

Parental alienation is a real thing and sadly I think he’s capable of it. Watch yourself and be vigilant about the lies he will spew to make himself look good in front of the kids.

Thank you. The last conversation I’ve had with him this morning was he had turned his phone off last night as she had tried to call him. He’s was going to leave to be with her late last night but then changed his mind. He’s going to speak to her after work. And how much he doesn’t feel how he should towards me.

My next conversation with him will be

I don’t want any relationship with you. You’re welcome to come collect the children on a chosen day for a couple hours until you sort yourself out.

I will then cut all contact with him. Arrange my eldest take the others to his car etc…
I’m now about to apply for child maintenance through the official way. I’ve taken him off all life insurances and things like that.

I don’t know what’s going on in his head the things he's been saying. Stuff like how he’s hurt OW everything he’s said should have been how he should have felt towards me.

Will keep you all updated later on

I (again) am sorry you keep being out in this position but unfortunately you don’t have any other options.

By allowing him to live with you WHILE CHEATING harms not only you but your children - especially your older child who is old enough to understand.

Once he’s out of the house you are no longer subjected to his tirades and anger and verbal assaults. That will bring some peace and calm to your home and your life.

Unfortunately cheaters think they can control the situation and everyone involved. 😂😂 The cheaters think they can live in the home, cheat in front of their spouse, not pay child support, come and go as they please and expect all parties to just agree.

When it doesn’t go their way, as you have seen MissMee, the cheater becomes outraged and acts like a spoiled child. 😡😡

I hope forcing him out this last time gets you to a better place. You don’t need him. Your kids don’t need this person he has become either but unfortunately he has rights as a parent.

Please keep him out of your home. He has caused more damage than you realize — not just to you but to your kids. He’s creating chaos and kids know when things are off. They can sense when he’s being mean and verbally abusive to you - it does show even if you do your best to hide it.

You need some peace and calm in your life. You gave him a chance to return home. He blew that opportunity. It’s very hard to watch someone self destruct, make terrible choices and rage at the betrayed spouse. I’ve been there. I was in your shoes.

My best day ever was taking back my power and control in my marriage, kicking my cheating husband out and telling him I was D him. It turned the whole thing around and stopped him from assuming he had control over me and there were no consequences to his cheating.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:20 PM, Friday, November 7th]

Missmee

The UK has several excellent domestic abuse helplines.
We tend to think of these resources as homes for badly battered women to escape to. Well... some of them do offer that service, but many offer guidance, advice and even resources to help people out of abusive relationships.
What he’s offering you is abuse. You ARE IN an abusive relationship!

I encourage you STRONGLY to phone one of these resources. If they are geared to helping the "traditional" spouse in a physically abusive relationship their experienced guides managing the phone will at least give you the correct place to contact.
They can tell you what your next steps could be; how to get him out of the home; how to arrange for custody; how to formally split up this relationship.

Missmee – I know I can be forthright and frank, and I know that for those so fresh in their pain it can be a hard read. But... I seriously doubt you have taken any of the advice I offered regarding your next legal steps. I honestly think your last post reflects that, because it’s not in YOUR power to dictate custody or if he get’s the kids an occasional hour or not. I also seriously doubt that you can kick him out.
What I do know is that if he initiates the legal process – as in if you refuse him entry and he calls the police – then the balance of power swings into his favor. I therefore IN THE STRONGEST WAY POSSIBLE encourage YOU to take the legal initiative.
PLEASE!

Bigger is almost certainly right. Please, please read this and let it sink in.

What I do know is that if he initiates the legal process – as in if you refuse him entry and he calls the police – then the balance of power swings into his favor. I therefore IN THE STRONGEST WAY POSSIBLE encourage YOU to take the legal initiative.
PLEASE!

Thank you all for the advice, I’d rather someone be upfront with me. That’s what I come here for, people who unfortunately have walked this path and help guide me when I need it.

I will have a look at the domestic abuse helplines. I’ve applied for child maintenance which will take up to 6 weeks. I have an appointment for a different legal firm later on next week. You’re correct I can’t legally make him leave. I need to apply to the court for this. I did start that process but hadn’t got all the information I needed at hand. Which is now the highest on my list to sort.

I think I have more than enough evidence of his behaviour towards me from text messages, to I’m pretty certain a conversation on the security camera outside the home.

He has came back again tonight with all his belongings, and gone straight for alcohol. He said how heart broken he is about her and how upset she was because they were meant to be forever. (Rolls eyes) I just stared at him and walked off. I’ve avoided him as much as I can and will focus on the children, whilst sorting the legal stuff in the background.

His new angle to get at me is saying the kids blame me for all of this. And all they will remember is me arguing with their dad. - couple weeks ago I would of reacted but not anymore I just make a mental note.

[This message edited by Missmee at 12:10 AM, Saturday, November 8th]

Keep it up. He is considerably manipulative trying to keep you off balance. Dont fall for it. Get those legal boundaries established. Your no response is excellent. Paental alienation is a real thing. Shut it down. Be there for your kids. Document all of the negative things he says about you in front of the kids and share with your attorney. Good luck.

Maybe you need a voice activated recorder so that all of this verbal nonsense is recorded.

Keep it on you at all times and let him know you have it.

Is this something that is legally allowed in your country?

Now that alcohol is involved it becomes even harder for you as he is much more unpredictable in both his words and behavior.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:21 AM, Saturday, November 8th]

He has came back again tonight with all his belongings, and gone straight for alcohol. He said how heart broken he is about her and how upset she was because they were meant to be forever.

This whole thread is difficult for me to read. I really want to slap the shit out of your STBX. He's SO incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. You don't deserve this. I'm a person who believes reconciliation is possible, and can sympathize with a BS who wants to make it work, but I don't know if there's anything redeemable about this... "man." And I use that word very loosely.

*ETA: I'm sorry if that comes across as harsh, but I really feel for you. It's from a place of caring and concern. What he's doing is abusive. He's going to keep trying to play you and manipulate you. Don't fall for it.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:50 PM, Saturday, November 8th]

No you don’t come across harsh at all. The person he’s became this year isn’t at all the person I was in love with. I’m so disappointed in the whole situation. Looking back now when he first said at Easter I wish I’d of made him leave.

I’m hoping when I get more legal advice I can set some boundaries where I won’t need to have contact with him. I do have a couple of concerns he keeps saying I’m a liar but every time he’s called it me I’ve been able to proof I’m not.

I’m concerned that when he does eventually leave he will introduce OW straight away to the children. Now I know this will happen eventually but I don’t feel it’s in their best interests with everything that has happened to do it for at least 6 months.

He seems to think we can live together just for the children. Which I said absolutely not. Won’t be long before he’s back with the OW or someone new.

There’s no going back ever now for us, he’s had far to many opportunities and the way he’s treated me is unforgivable.

I hope you have read up on the 180.

In short, don’t do his laundry. Don’t cook meals for him (you don’t have to have your meals w/ him)..

Don’t do anything "nice" for him like make him tea or coffee, do errands for him etc.

It’s the start of setting boundaries and you need to stop being his wife.

This is the hard part. But you can emotionally disengage from him.

And stop having conversations about anything. Just walk away or pretend to listen. Give him the blank stare and silent treatment. It’s meant to protect you from his verbal abuse.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:39 PM, Sunday, November 9th]

Missmee

I had to learn rescue swimming as a cop. Many of us might know how to do the rescue-swim, where you tuck a person’s neck and head under one arm and do a sidestroke to the nearest bank. Well... in the course I took it was taken for granted we knew that stroke and had the stamina to apply it. The main emphasis was on evaluating the situation BEFORE you got wet, and then how to wrestle the person being saved off you if he was pulling you down. I guess I spent more time learning chokes and escapes than I did CPR. Basically, it was more about controlling the situation.
In other simpler words: Save yourself before saving others.

If you can, apply that mentality.

You wont save him. There is nothing you can do directly that will make him realize what he’s risking. As-is it sounds like he THINKS he can have both worlds. Eat the cake AND save it for later. You making it clear to him that he can’t... well... frankly right now it won’t make any difference.
So don’t engage. Don’t tell him what you are doing or what you plan or what you want.

Instead, you plan, do and implement. He gets to learn about it as you go along and as needed.

For example: IF there is a legal way for you to get him to move out then right now your priority is to learn how you do that. What documents need to be filed, what forms filled out and how they need to be processed. You get that all lined up before entering the water, and before calling out to him about what you intend to do.
At some point you might have to hand him some notification or have him served or whatever. But until then you just carry on.

Think your actions through and try as you can to separate the emotions from reality. Like my rescue-swimming analogy: It’s better to stand on the bank evaluating and even watching the person drown, rather than jump into what is clearly an impossible task and getting caught up in the torrents. While you live and can think, you can possibly find solutions, but once you are caught up in some unwinnable or illogical dispute there really isn’t much hope.
Unfortunately, I think your fear of him introducing the kids to OW is one of those struggles. I know you stated earlier that legal counsel told you it was possible, but it doesn’t take long to learn that in the UK the conditions need to be so dire (as in both the parent and the new person having addictions, mental limitations, relevant criminal convictions....). I seriously doubt you can have any impact on what he does.
For me – focusing on that issue and allowing that issue to control your next steps would be like jumping into a raging river knowing you can’t do any good for anyone.

Take control of what you can control.
I stated that you can’t change him. Well... your actions could change him. It is possible that once he realizes he either has to eat the cake or store it – can’t do both – that he might change. Hopefully, when that happens (and if that happens) you will have moved on further, and won’t be as willing to accept him.

Update- long story short, his stuff was still packed up, he was meant to finish everything Sunday but spent most the evening with OW, since then he’s spoke on the phone to her multiple times including this morning.

He said he didn’t like me love me how he should and that he really loves OW can’t let go of her but would still live with me for the children.

Today I told him I will not be apart of his circus anymore and left his keys in his car with the stuff he hadn’t unloaded. Asked him to just get his stuff and leave without entering the house.

He sat outside for around 2 hours, saying he was sorry for everything. But I didn’t give in he’s now left to go stay with OW. She can deal with him now!

I feel a huge sense of relief, I was a little sad but no tears! I know this is what I want! I wish I had the strength I’ve got now when it all happened!

That sounds like a good thing. Sorry he's put you through this. He didn't want anything for "the kid's sake," it is all because of his selfishness.

Stay strong - you can do this!

I’m sorry you had to go through this! You did the correct thing for you and your children. Stay strong with your boundaries and maintain as little engagement as possible with him. No contact, but if you must speak with him, learn to become a gray rock . Detach as much as possible and get those legal boundaries in place. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:30 AM, Wednesday, November 12th]

Giving you a virtual hug!

We know you need it.

Great to see more strength and determination in your last post.

You know I’m direct... Well... I know of your concern/fear about OW being around your kids.
I think your partner is using that fear to adjust the situation. The kids are his excuse or reasoning for being in your home while at the same time being insulting/abusive with terms like he doesn’t like or love you and only there for the kids.

Get this confirmed but I am about 99% certain that you can’t control who is around the kids when he has them, and until a formal custody-schedule is arranged that’s probably half the time. I do not think you can prevent him from having OW around your kids...
Not any more than he could have your best friend Jane banned from being around them, or your parents or their uncles because they might have talked disparagingly about him.

I also doubt OW (or more precisely her parents) will be excited about having six kids stay over every second week... But that’s not your concern. Ex partner has other options, ranging from renting a home with his "true luuuuuuvvve", limiting the time spent with kids, taking them out for events, or – with your acceptance – maybe stay at YOUR home for an afternoon to help them with homework or whatever (and of course, you can limit who enters YOUR home).

Just one more reason to get the legal procedures started and done!

I hope you realize that anger, even rage, defends you against the piranha trying to eat you alive. This man is no longer your husband. You need to absorb that. There might be a piece of paper somewhere, or a ledger somewhere, but the truth is his behavior has ended your marriage. By being as angry as you are right now, you are able to generate a ton of energy, which is going to get you up and out of despair. He has been in control of your emotions and beaten you down so badly that finally you hit rock bottom. When you are at rock bottom there’s nowhere to go but up and that’s where you’re headed, and we are all so thankful for it, for you. Keep going. Do not let him control anything you say or think. You are your own person. Own and rejoice in the fact that you can feel this kind of rage towards a person who has manipulated and lied and cheated and put you in such an untenable situation that you had almost no ability to move forward and now you do. Very, very proud of you. Keep going.