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D-day was about 3 weeks ago. She has started therapy and showed sincere remorse in the short period of time. She has brought up feeling neglected from me and not giving her attention and make her feel "wanted" before the A, even though she still hasn’t found the exact reason she started the A. When should or shouldn’t I start giving compliments and kind words to my WS? I didn’t give her much before the A due to my ego and resentment towards her, now I just want to shower her with kindness and compliments during R. But I also don’t want her to think everything is ok. I have only showed her appreciation for opening up and being honest. I have also showed appreciation towards her big steps trying to fix her mess and her commitment towards therapy and daily aplogies. Any advice would be appreciated

Again, there are no objectively right or wrong answers to these questions you are asking. The tone of them indicates to me that your bend is to do the "pick me dance", and that should be avoided. But you are in a very difficult position right now, traumatized and in pain, while wanting to preserve love with your betrayer. It’s complex as hell.

Don’t sell yourself out.

If it hurts, don’t do it.

Give yourself permission to feel your feelings and think your thoughts. That is more important than trying to somehow save the marriage.

The fate of your relationship with her will take months to years to resolve. In the days and weeks, you need to reground yourself.

So what she felt was lacking on your part prior to the A… sounds like she is blame shifting to you. Absolutely not. Did she express those feelings prior to the A? Ask for couples counseling, etc. etc.?

I could barely manage words 3 weeks after dday, much less giving compliments. You are very early into this, still in shock likely and trying to process how you have been traumatized by the person closest to you.

Yes, you should do what feels right and sincere, but do not feel pressured to build up her ego or any attention seeking behaviors. She needs to figure out how she could allow herself to harm and abuse you… because I’m of the opinion… infidelity is abuse.

Her AP probably gave all sorts of compliments, praise, etc. and where did that get her?

Sometimes this thing is hour to hour, much less taking things day to day. Don’t rush.

Your wife has done this to you before: cheated on you, blamed you for it, ran away, begged to come back.

She's still saying it was your fault for not giving her enough attention... so no, you shouldn't reward her by showering her with compliments and affirmations that she doesn't deserve and hasn't earned.

What, exactly, is different this time?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:21 PM, Thursday, June 5th]

The more authentic you are, the better and faster you'll recover. What have you done/plan to do about your resentment. That's a barrier that you constructed and only you can take down.

What are you doing to heal?

I think it's probably pretty early to want to compliment a person who betrayed you. What is your goal? What do you think will happen if you don't compliment your WS? How realistic is that?

Compliments and professions of love won't keep her from cheating again. She and, probably, you only think they will.

What I’m concerned about is the TYPE of OM she seems attracted to.
Both stared off as her supplier for drugs.
She had no qualms about having your daughter around men of that irk.

On another thread I raised some questions about her sobriety.
Unless I get further info on your situation, I think that is a key issue.

Worrying about wordage and being "nice" right now is like worrying about the size of the cupholder in a vehicle with a faulty transmission and no brakes.

Hi- ws here. I want to give you some insight in what has happened and what needs to happen.

Your wife did not cheat on you because of your marriage. She didn’t cheat on you for who you are or aren’t. She cheated on you because there are internal flaws within her that exist in the way she defines love, her value system, and her lack of ability to have self respect or give respect to others.

This can be addressed, but only if she gets serious about it. And as with any change the pain of staying the same has to be greater than the pain of changing.

She needs excessive external validation. She needs to learn to validate herself.

So, combining inks comments on "the pick me dance" and sissoon’s explanation of how being authentic to how you are feeling are what you need to focus on. She will not change in comfort. It is her job to be comforting to you. She needs likely to start with therapy.

You need to find your way towards not being afraid to lose her or the marriage. That’s not me saying get a divorce- I am happily reconciled. But it’s my way of saying, that if you operate in fear, you will not get yourself steered back on the road. Commit to getting out of infidelity, and if she is worth keeping around she will do the same. Think of it as this period is more about personal recovery and being able to observe she is willing to commit to growth before trying to do too much work on the relationship.

We have a saying here- ws heals ws, bs heals bs and together they heal the marriage. To illustrate that further, if you start working when you are both completely unhealed nothing will stick. Relationships are a sum of two parts and we re always reacting to the other. Until she fixes the issues she has, this will go one repeat until you get divorced.

Instead, stick to what you authentically feel and think about what you would like to see from her in order to consider going through a reconciliation process that typically takes years. Take control of your life and think of it as a way of silently asking her the question, are you with me or not? If she is with you, that will show up in her taking accountability and becoming self ware enough to make changes. She is still so focused on herself she can’t see she shot you in your heart and you are bleeding on the table while she complains you are not telling her she is pretty or giving her enough hugs.

Coddling=enabling.

I 100 percent believe in redemption, but there has to be some work involved for one to earn that title. You have already been through this another time, it’s going to be a pattern until she decides to see the damage, and address is properly. You may find. Support group or therapy to be worthwhile too. I would not spend a plug nickle on marriage counseling at this point. It won’t work until she starts to see some truths about herself.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:19 PM, Thursday, June 5th]

Sorry you are here but you have received great advice. Your desire to shower her with kindness and compliments is very common. It arises from a belief that her cheating arose from something you did or didn’t do in your M. After all, if your WW cheated because you failed to give her enough attention and compliments, then you can control her never cheating again by showering her with compliments. Nothing could be further from the truth. As hikingout pointed out, she cheated because of her personal issues, not because of anything you did or didn’t do in your M. She needs to do the serious work of addressing her brokenness that would allow her to break her wedding vows. Good luck.

I always found that far east and many others on this site gave me good advice.