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So a few weeks ago, my wife, after 4 years, opened up to her close cousin about her affair. Her cousin had been cheated on by her husband and I actually had wanted to open up to her for support for several years but had to remain silent because my wife didn’t want her to know. Naturally, a few days later her cousin texts me saying that I need to learn to forgive. I don’t have to forget but I need to forgive and that if I ever wanted to talk she would be there for me as "she gets it because she’s been there. Feeling the need to express my fears and doubts, we had a fairly long texting conversation where I let myself be vulnerable. Two days later, my wife is pissed at me and cancels a trip we had planned, I texted her cousin asking her if she spoke to my wife. She said yes, but she didn’t give her any details of our conversation. After not speaking for a couple days, I finally ask my wife what she’s so pissed about and she said "you know what you said". After stewing about how things were left, I did look at the last texts my wife had with her cousin. Her cousin screenshot the entire conversation I had with her and shared it all. Now, why in the hell would someone who’s been there and knows how important honesty is up and lie like that. Sometimes I feel like I have a shirt on that says "Screw me over, I Love it!" It truly blows me away how people just can’t be honest. Now her cousin has destroyed any trust I had in her. I don’t hate her but I sure as hell don’t respect her. I feel the need to express to her how much being lied to hurt and how much lyi g to me wrecked the trust I had in her. Should I just leave this lay there? The old me would for sure but the new me tends to lay it out there and let the chips fall where they may.

I'm not sure I follow?

Did you say anything cruel in the conversation? Or were you simply venting about how upsetting the betrayal is?

I can't understand how you venting about being betrayed has led to your wife not speaking to you for days. It seems an unreasonable response. Surely she is aware you will be disappointed, degusted and hurt by her actions. I cant work out what would have been said that could lead to her response.

Does she know she's lucky you didn't outright divorce her in the face of the betrayal?

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 2:19 PM, Friday, May 30th]

I'm sorry that you've been betrayed by the cousin because this is another betrayal. I'd take this as a learning opportunity to NOT confide in anybody in your WW's family.

I'd be more concerned about your WW's behavior. You started here in 2021, and this is what she's doing and giving you the silent treatment? What is she - 14? I'd bet money that this was a set up from the start. Plus, the silent treatment can be emotional abuse (sorry, XWH is NPD).

If it were me, I'd be pissed at both.

As for the cousin, why not send an NC text and block them? I wouldn't go into a ton of detail, but you could say that due to her behavior, you have no interest in maintaining the relationship.

the worst part about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth

-Jean-Paul Satre

I have a rule. Unless it's a very close friend or trusted family member if you tell one person something, just pretend you have a bullhorn and you're telling everyone. I don't know what you said during that conversation, but knowing it was your wife's cousin I'd have assumed it would get back to her so I wouldn't have said anything I wouldn't have wanted my wife to see or hear.

That said, it was pretty uncool of this cousin to do that. I don't blame you for being pissed. That was a betrayal of confidence, especially given the "I'm here if you ever want to talk" offer. You'd think her having been through it herself she'd have been a little more understanding and kept it between the 2 of you, or at least not have screenshot the entire conversation. Sheesh.

Tough call on whether or not to say something to her. I'd be tempted to, but I don't know how close you are to this cousin and there's also the likelihood that whatever you say will get right back to your wife again. It could just stir things up more. I'd probably type something up, then not send it and let it go, but never forget what happened. I'd for sure never confide in her again. If you regularly talk to this person maybe a cold shoulder would get the message across.

1) I don't see how one can conduct an effective discussion about gut-wrenching matters by text. Remember: we communicate with body language and tone of voice more than by words. Body language and TOV play parts in in composing a text (or email or letter, etc.), but none of that is communicated by the words that show up on a screen.

IOW, you are almost guaranteed to mis-communicate in a conversation conducted by written word. Your W probably misread you, and you probably misread your W.

2) R is M. In M, a couple usually spends a lot of time face to face resolving issues, sharing thoughts and feelings, and doing things. That means, IMO, that during the R process, you communicate face to face as much as possible.

My reco: next time a conversation starts by text, stop it early and suggest waiting until you can carry on the conversation face to face.

3) I know of nothing that says you need to forgive your WS. I'm all for forgiving when it's in the BS's interest to forgive, however - but that doesn't seem to be what your W and her cousin are demanding.

3) R is possible without forgiveness. I suspect most BSes who R do forgive, but it's not necessary.

4) Forgiveness is easier for the BS to give if the WS earns it, and it's easier for a WS to earn it by being remorseful, taking responsibility for the A, and changing from cheater to good partner. Demanding forgiveness is no way to earn it.

*****

I'm sorry this cousin spilled stuff she should have kept private, and I'm sorry your W opened up to her cousin instead of to you.

I finally ask my wife what she’s so pissed about and she said "you know what you said"

What makes you feel your wife is truly remorseful? Assuming you didn’t lie about her in that text thread, your wife’s reaction to seeing the content screams she’s not remorseful AT ALL. She’s only concerned how she looks to others, and doesn’t seem to care a whit about your pain. Is that your definition of remorseful?

It is always astounding to me how so many WWs (I should have said 'WS' instead as that is more accurate) after cheating, are so pre-emptively pissed at their BHs (Betrayed Spouses) in the aftermath. Your WW was the one who cheated but she feels that YOU betrayed HER for discussing her affair with her cousin. Who even already seemed to know about WW's stepping out, no less too.

Um, yeah, got it

You see the insanity in this too?

Just to be clear, even if WW's cousin had not known previously, you telling who you feel you need to tell, is something your WW needs to consider as simply a consequence for her actions. But, your WW's cousin already knew--she was the one who reached out to you, so there isn't even that.

Yeah I agree w gr8ful, you WW is NOT AT ALL remorseful, she hardly even seems regretful.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:17 PM, Monday, June 2nd]

As often when I read posts I look back at the OP older contributions.
Remember your thread titled "The towel has been thrown" from 10/23/24?

Well... What has changed?

Arent you repeatedly dealing with the same issues again and again?
A WS who refuses to seek help to heal. A WS that is slowly distributing her version of what went on to stakeholders, but doesn’t want you to share your version? Last time it was her mom and your youngest son, now it’s her cousin?

Back at that time – October 24 – I gave you a guideline on how to respond.

I’m copy-pasting my post from that time, I want to specifically point out the last line...
 

See my tagline?
I truly believe it and live by it. If I’m unhappy with something then I need to change things. Remaining unhappy is a decision – and if I decide to remain unhappy that is totally on me. It’s not a question of moving from unhappiness to happiness in one swift go, but more of a decision to at least start the process towards a better place.
I urge you to use your new determination to have that talk with her – the one where you tell her that to-date you have been trying to find ways to save the marriage, but now you no longer have that vision. That you are initiating the steps to allow yourself the freedom to find that life-partner you want, and that if she wants that role she has a very limited window of opportunity before you are so far along the path of divorce that you won’t be turned back.
Or... if you are determined to end this relationship then use your determination to do exactly that.
What I would least of all want to see is that you are this determined, only to post again in a couple of months about a new event that makes you determined to change things, only now you mean it...

Again the irony of the situation. The cheater has the audacity to be mad at YOU for being upset and sharing your feelings with someone you trusted.

Typical cheater behavior BTW. Still trying to control everything. My cheating H was like that. Insisted I not tell anyone he was cheating and then D me. Telling me his decision to cheat was b/c of me and what a rotten person I was. Made sure to bring up everything I ever said or did wrong.

Funny thing is when I finally beat him at his own game and took my power back, I realized a few things. And one of them was I needed to stop being a doormat and letting him control the situation. The day I told him to GTFO and I was D him was the day things changed.

I wasn’t kidding when I told him I was D him. I had every intention of it and kicking him to the curb only solidified that for him. He still tried to control the situation and that was when I learned to just say "no" and leave the room.

After 2 or 3 of those and the hard 180, he finally got it. Now he’s afraid I will D him. And he knows there are no 3rd chances and no discussion. He’s free to do whatever he wants. Doesn’t mean I have to live with it.