SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just recently found out that my husband was going on business trips and while away, he was soliciting escorts. I (after 3 years of marriage).. went through his phone (I remembered his password) and what I read has completely confused me, angered me, and definitely destroyed ALL trust. He has always told me "you are the best thing that ever happened to me" "we are the perfect couple" blah blah. Now THIS. I confronted him and told him I knew everything. He of course had to come clean and it was awful. I encouraged him to go on a business trip so I could have "space" and think. While he was gone, I packed my things, loaded a moving truck and I left him. This all happened really quickly. I moved several states away, and I have incredible family and friend support. I also met with a divorce attorney and he’s going to be served any day now. My issue is: He keeps emailing/texting/calling to BEG me NOT to throw everything away and that he’s currently getting help for both his "alcoholism" and potentially other issues when diagnosed. I really don’t think I have any forgiveness in me. I already have gotten myself up and out of this and I’m actually starting to feel FREE and happy. I would love to know if anyone has any thoughts on this or has been through a similar situation?

First of all.. Hell Yes. I like the way you operate I wish some folks would take a page out of your book.

Secondly, he threw this away not you.

Lastly, you've set the table in my opinion. This is ENTIRELY on him to reconcile if that is even an option for you (maybe post D I'm not sure). If he is truly, truly remorseful he won't stop and should only become more determined.

I've always been of the opinion that the only way I would even consider (even a chance at a chance) reconcillation, is that an equally extreme attempt be made to fix this. This is much more than just words which I consider empty and irrelevant. You need to see actions. He did something extreme, HE! should be at least equally determined and extreme in getting you back. Anything less isn't worth your time. Keep pushing forward and he can do this in parallel it doesn't need to stop the filing as this process usually takes a while.

That's all I got.

[This message edited by BuffaloBill at 6:39 PM, Monday, April 21st]

Oh yeah you should probably get tested for STDs. I hope at the very least this was protected sex but you really can't trust anything or anyone right now.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that your M (marriage) was affected by infidelity. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some others with bull's eye icons that are really good resources, too. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a ton of information. There is a thread for emotionless infidelity in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum.

Some people know right away that infidelity is a deal-breaker and act with decisiveness. Others aren't sure and take time to decide.

You may wish to get tested for STDs/STIs, as there are some nasty diseases out there. If you feel the need, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful in working through the trauma. We have a term that we use called the emotional rollercoaster, and it can pick you up & take you for a ride any time. Expect your emotions to yo-yo. It's normal.

Keep posting as you need.

ETA: You may wish to remove your name from your tag line so you can remain anonymous.

If you don't want your STBXWH (soon to be ex wayward husband) to contact you, tell him so. How he reacts can also let you know if he'll listen to you or ignore your needs.

[This message edited by leafields at 5:47 PM, Monday, April 21st]

I am very sorry. Right now is a time to focus on yourself. You need to look after your needs and concentrate on what is important to your healing.

As others have mentioned please see a doctor and while there get tested for std’s. Look after your mental and physical health.

I would not get involved with his poor morals, character issues, or addictions. He has a lot of work to do to address his issues.

He through the marriage away with his choices. You had no input in his decision to cheat with escorts. I would only talk or message with him about matters of the divorce or that you have a need to communicate about.

"I’m actually starting to feel FREE and happy."

Do the things that make you happy and foster your wellbeing!

It sounds like to me that you are now much happier with this new life you have begun. I assume you have no children to consider in your decision to move on Good luck to you I think you have a bright future ahead

I've always been of the opinion that the only way I would even consider (even a chance at a chance) reconcillation, is that an equally extreme attempt be made to fix this. This is much more than just words which I consider empty and irrelevant. You need to see actions. He did something extreme, HE! should be at least equally determined and extreme in getting you back. Anything less isn't worth your time.

Man, I wish I'd have seen this advice 4 years ago on my DDay. It is perfectly put how I feel my WW, or any wayward spouse should behave.

Well put Bill.

I don’t know your age or if this is your first marriage or not, but here’s my two cents.

Trust is broken. Can it be repaired? Maybe. But just know you will always have a nagging doubt (it’s only normal). For some people that’s more than they want to live with.

Now he’s an alcoholic? Hmmmm…..is that the truth or is he using it as an excuse to hide behind.

He didn’t admit anything until YOU uncovered the truth. He gets no credit there.

Obviously you know he’s got issues. He chose to cheat for a stupid reason (thrill of it, whatever lie he told himself to justify his behavior) but that is not your problem to fix.

If you want to D him, you should. However that doesn’t mean you cannot have a future relationship w/ him (or not). It just means you are not H&W. That could be permanent or somewhere down the road you choose to Reconcile and be in a committed relationship. But I would suggest not re-marrying him until and unless you are sure. That could take years (if ever).

However it will be a very different relationship b/c you will never fully trust him. It’s just the fallout from the fact he cheated on you for years. He may be 100% faithful to you for the rest of his life but there will always be a black mark.

I don’t think you are over reacting. For some people cheating is a dealbreaker. Live apart. Take some time for yourself. Give yourself a chance to breathe.

As for him, watch. See. Pay attention.

Is he in therapy for more than 2 or 3 sessions? Is he doing things to try to Reconcile w/ you w/out looking for guarantees or promises from you? Is he working AS HARD 3 or 6 months from now or has he given up?

Words are easy. I’d suggest watching his actions if you think there is a chance to MAYBE have a future.

But I’d also make sure he knows you are now calling the shots. Don’t listen to his "poor me" sob story.

Honestly if I had D my H after his first affair, I would not have been subjected to a second affair. If SI had been around then, I would have learned so much and avoided the pain and suffering of a 2nd affair.

I think the fact you took action is impressive!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:45 AM, Tuesday, April 22nd]

You didn't throw your marriage away HE did. If you have no reason to communicate with him - block him!

First of all:
Go to the members menu – select my profile and then remove what might be your real name from the area marked Signature.

Second:
There is no obligation to remain married.
I think this is a key element to any marriage – including good marriages. It’s the realization that the ONLY thing keeping you married is your decision – your choice.
Of course all sorts of factors impact that decision – things like past history, commitment, kids, finances... but when push comes to shove ALL those factors can be dealt with and you can leave your marriage – IF YOU WANT TO.

With such a short marriage (3 years), no mention of children, what sounds like a constant ongoing trend to cheat, the thought and planning that goes into his cheating, the risk of STD’s, the FINANCIAL infidelity that follows paying sex-workers...
Then add the alleged alcoholism...

I think you are making the correct decision in cutting your losses and moving on.