SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve heard of a lot of people having a hard time around the anniversary of dday. How many people are severely triggered by anniversary of events of the affair?

1 year ago today, WS had his first sexual contact with AP. He apparently looked for others online but continued to go back to this one woman. I tried all of my usual techniques to get through rough patches but this is a really hard one. Not to mention, today my 13 year old approached us to say she had overheard us about a month ago talking (despite our best efforts to not talk anbout it around the kids and whatever) and she has been struggling with the information. I feel so bad that she is affected now too.

I was really hoping that today wouldn’t be so bad and tried to keep busy but inevitably it sucked big time. I guess when they say the devil is in the details - it’s really true with this.

What an awful thing to go through. I appreciate this forum so much and the support it offers but man, it still has a lonely component to it. Ultimately, each of our situations are unique and we have to uniquely get through it.

Also, this situation was technically dday #3. At this point, he is going to IC, committed to showing me he’s working on his issues, etc. However, I still have a hard time believing it or his apologies. He has told me he is sorry before and that he would not hurt me again but he did. I know the work he is putting in should make a difference but I am still very fearful of the future with him. Even without the future, the past is hard to swallow.

What a mishmashed rant but that’s how my thoughts are today.

[This message edited by TryingToSurvive44 at 3:31 AM, Thursday, March 27th]

Which one to address first is hard to decide.

Dday 1 antiversay, I took the day off work for the first 2. I'm 5 years out from dday1, we D, and this year wasn't the slide into depression, lay in bed all day type of day. Be sure to give yourself grace.

Kids know more than we give them credit for, so they may know something is wrong and blame themselves. Your daughter my benefit from IC.

What consequences have you put in place for continued ddays?

Leafields - For my daughter, we have given her the option of therapy. She said she would think about it and let us know. I will check in very soon with her to see what she needs or wants.

As for the consequences for another DDay is straight up D. The first time, I caught him signing up to dating sites and we were so young that I don't think I knew how to properly deal with it. DDay 2 - I found out months after and he ended it on his own. He got some IC but they didn't really address core issues i.e. his coping skills and past CSA. We see now how intensive his therapy should have been. Dday 3 - has now broken me. I think because of the repeated acts and the level of deceit it is hitting me very hard this time.

CSA isn't an excuse. I'm a CSA survivor and didn't cheat. He needs to dig deep and make changes.

There are several members whose parents have cheated, some who are the other child (OC) from am A (I'm an OC from back in the 60's) so a lot happens on both the BS and WS side. They're excuses and not the true why.

If you can (because this can be triggering), there is a post in the Wayward forum about discovering the true whys by DaddyDom that can be helpful.

I get the mismanaged thoughts. Infidelity is so hard.

I totally agree, CSA is not an excuse by any means. However, it can lead to unhealthy relationships around sex and coping. It is still absolutely a choice that he made. But his IC gave him a picture of a tree and said if you cant cut the roots of the problems the branches (bad behaviour or actions) will continue. I believe dealing with all the core issues of repression, compartmentalization, not able to deal with conflict etc that were created around the CSA or his how he was raised etc are all monumental with him finally moving on from cheating. Everything I have read has said that the WS needs to really deal with their core issues.