SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a Christian. Although I believe the Jesus Christ's death makes forgiveness possible, I struggle applying that to me. I often think that I believe in Jesus Christ, but have trouble believing Jesus when he says forgiveness is possible. The hard part for me is that nothing can erase what I have done so not sure what forgiveness actually means. In many of the disclosure / reconciliation scenarios I play out in my head I see a hopeful ending where my wife truly "forgives" me, but I struggle to see me feeling any differently about myself because I inflicted the pain regardless of her forgiving me. Me thinking this could very well be due to the opposing forces that want us to be miserable.

I will say that my belief in Christ has saved me in some of my lowest moments / darkest times. Despite my feelings of hopelessness, I try to have faith that Christ's sacrifice provides a path to ease the pain my wife will feel and maybe in the afterlife the burden I carry will be lifted. I believe sinners should not look for a way to forget their sins as the memory of the pain is one mechanism to help us avoid the decisions and mistakes we made, but I want to hope that in the afterlife forgiveness will come with some measure of peace that I do not see possible in this lifetime.

I found a therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma (as well as addictions so that is a bonus). She is not taking new patients, but other therapists in her practice are so I am going to get an appointment. My wife can tell something is off and I worry she may start thinking that it is because of something that is happening now so I am anxious to wait too much longer. I am terrified of so many negative possible outcomes and even the best case scenarios in my head are going to be traumatic. I feel like I am rolling a live grenade into our relationship, but the reality is I pulled the pin and did that 20 years ago.

I am going to keep posting as I start IC as a way to hold myself accountable. Work is insanely busy right now and I could find all sorts of excuses to procrastinate the IC and subsequent disclosure. I know in my heart that nothing is more important than starting on this path that will hopefully lead to reconciliation, but even if it does not I will be honest with my wife for the first time in over two decades.

FVL....I am so glad you have chosen to begin dealing with this. My friend...believe the words of Christ....He came not to call the righteous, but sinner to repentance. He is calling you....and you are hearing. His forgiveness is real....and it is because He LOVES you....and other sinners. And here is a very important thing to understand....the topic of justice. His forgiveness is not free....justice was in fact exacted....in Christ. And another amazing thing....it was exacted on you....being IN CHRIST. This is mysterious, but yet wonderful and amazing.

Now ...the truth will set you free. But ...it will be very, very hard. Those are consequences....real world consequences. Don't confuse consequences with forgiveness. King David was fully forgiven of his horrendous sin of adultery and murder....but the consequences followed him and his house, and the nation all the rest of his life. Yet he was loved and was a man after God's own heart.

AMENDS....very important topic. And it is unfortunately missed in most modern day Christian teaching. They focus on forgiveness....and this is good...but miss amends. Yet it is EVERYWHERE in the scripture. Look as Zacheus in the new testament....as soon as he was saved....he had the heart to "give fourfold back what was taken".

I say this for this reason ....devote a TON of intentional efforts to making amends to your precious wife. She will need it. Beg her forgiveness ...and begin and continue with amends all the rest of your days. Love her. Love her radically. Give her the WHOLE TRUTH.

The Lord can not only forgive you....he can also comfort and heal your wife ..and He can bring you two back together...all at the same time.

I will pray for you and your wife.🙏

Bit of a highjack....I want to commend HikingOut and Pippin. You two are simply wonderful...thank you so much for helping so many. Really ....that is precious.

There are many others also ...InkHulk, and more. But HikingOut and Pippin....Gold Stars to you. May God bless you with wisdom and His Spirit to help people along the Way. 💯🙏

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 1:03 AM, Sunday, March 30th]

Dear Feelingverylow,

I think that part of why you are struggling right now is that you are separated from God, from Truth. It is hard to feel a sense of peace and forgiveness when you are separated from God. I believe that once you confess to your wife, you will begin to feel that peace. Of course you will need to care for her and of course she will have emotions, responses, and actions that are uncomfortable and wrenching to you, but I believe that if you stay close to God in prayer, ask for wisdom and ask to feel his love for you, you will have it. But you don't have it now because you are separated.

I think Psalm 77 will help you, and I will write it out completely so you don't even have to go looking for it :) You will notice that the psalmist is deeply troubled in the beginning - "my soul refused to be comforted." This is where you are right now. You are troubled and restless because he wants you to move from the place you are in right now and you will keep being troubled and restless (unless you work hard to numb yourself, please don't do that). And notice how the psalmist brings himself out of his self-absorption, by meditating on the works of God. We have all the work that he did for the Hebrews to meditate on, and we can meditate on the work of Jesus, and the works of God in our own lives, to help us move from self-absorption into worship, where we will find comfort and strength. Notice the detail with which he remembers God's work, the many lines he spends pondering and meditating. This is a path for you when the weight of what you have done feels crushing.

(Thank you WoodThrush2, I will gather up your praise and lay it at his feet where it belongs. By myself, I am a wreck).

Psalm 77
My voice rises to God, and I will cry aloud;
My voice rises to God, and He will listen to me.
Int he day of my trouble I sought the Lord;
In the night my hand was stretched out and did not grow weary;
My soul refused to be comforted.
When I remember God, then I am restless;
When I sigh, then my spirit feels weak.

You have held my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I have considered the days of old,
The years of long ago.
I will remember my song in the night;
I will meditate with y heart,
And my spirit ponders.
Will the Lord reject me forever?
and will He never be favorable again?
Has His favor ceased forever?
Has His promise come to an end forever?
Has God forgotten to be gracious,
Or has He in anger withdrawn His compassion?

Then i said, "It is my grief, That the right hand fo the Most High has changed."
I shall remember the deeds of the Lord;
I will certainly remember Your wonders of old.
I will meditate on all Your work,
And on Your deeds with thanksgiving.
Your way, God, is holy;
What god is great like our God?
You are the God who works wonders;
You have made known Your strength among the peoples.
By Your power You have redeemed Your people,
The sons of Jacob and Joseph.

The waters saw You, God;
The waters saw You, they were in anguish;
The ocean depths also trembled.
The clouds poured out water;
The skies sounded out;
Your arrows flashed here and there.
The sound of Your thunder was in the whirlwind;
the lightning lit up the world;
The earth trembled and shook.
Your way was in the sea
And your paths in the mighty waters,
And Your footprints were not known.
You led Your people like a flock
By the hand of Moses and Aaron.

From the 12 steps of AA:

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Some people go through life wanting to hide from the truth. If your W is like that, I'd suggest finding some way of ascertaining if she wants to change. IMO, the change is entirely worthwhile, but your W may not be willing to do the work.

Still, if your W is in her early 50s, too, she's looking at a median life expectancy of 30+ years, and the work will take, probably, 2-5 - and some of the payoff may come within the 1st year - so the ROI can be tremendous, especially since life expectancy is much higher for people who can afford good health care.

*****

If your W doesn't want to hear about your A, a good IC can help you deal with your sense of guilt and refusal to forgive yourself.

IMO, WSes heal by changing from cheater to good partner. You've done a lot of that. What's missing, IMO, may be being as honest with your W as she wants you to be and being ruthlessly honest with yourself.

I think you may be ruthlessly honest with yourself, but you don't yet know how honest your W wants you to be with her. My reco is for one of your IC goals to be to figure out how to ask your W about that in ways that will get honest answers.

Musing here - my bet is that she shows emotions in ways you don't recognize or stuffs them. Your description says she probably stuffs them. Unstuffing them is generally not easy. I hope she shows them in ways you don't recognize.

*****

Many of the things you say - addiction and thinking you know what your W wants and thinks and 'would do if' - are hall marks of co-dependence. For that reason, I suggest readin things like Co-dependent No More and the 'Drama Triangle'. Steve Karpman is the best voice on the DT, IMO, and he has a website, but I recommend only the free stuff on the website - like his original Drama Triangle article.

*****

There's no doubt in my mind that confessing to your W will unburden you. I just fear that confessing 20 years after the fact will transfer the pain from you to your W. I agree you owe her something better than that, and I believe you can do what is needed to serve both of you..

*****

I do my best not to judge. Terseness saves keystrokes, which I deem important.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:33 PM, Saturday, March 29th]

Although I believe the Jesus Christ's death makes forgiveness possible, I struggle applying that to me. I often think that I believe in Jesus Christ, but have trouble believing Jesus when he says forgiveness is possible. The hard part for me is that nothing can erase what I have done so not sure what forgiveness actually means.

Two things. First, King David also was an adulterer, who became a murderer of the OBS. And yet God forgave him. That David didn’t even confess, initially. God had to send Nathan to smack him upside the head (metaphorically speaking) even going so far as getting David to (inadvertently) agree that whoever does such a thing deserves the death penalty. Ultimately, *after* God (most graciously) exposes David’s treachery, David’s repentance can be seen in Ps 51. He later reflects on his mind-blowing forgiveness in Ps 32. Study them both!

Next, God is the one who both requires (Mark 1:15, Acts 2:38; 3:19; 11:18; 17:30; 20:21; 26:20), and grants repentance (Acts 5:31, Acts 11:18, 2 Tim 2:25). Repentance is first focused on having committed treason against God, but then a change of heart & mind about sin, due to the kindness of God seen in the cross.

Focus on the cross. Plead God for the GIFT of repentance. Don’t stop begging for it until you know you’ve been given this. Use the shame of your actions to drive you being more concerned about the shame brought to the name (reputation) of Christ by your actions, and embrace the unthinkable kindness of Christ your Savior experiencing the hell you (and I) deserved on that cross, as our substitute. BELIEVE the promise of God that for those who trust in Christ alone, and truly believe they have no other hope whether it be any kind of good work or anything or anyone else can possibly even contribute to their salvation, that SUCH are fully forgiven by God, since THOSE SINS HAVE BEEN PAID FOR, as foreshadowed in Is 53 and confirmed in Col 2:14 (as just one of many examples).

Scripture is clear how true repentance leads to "fruits of repentance", and in this case that would absolutely include confessing your sin to your wife and accepting the consequences. Make amends to the greatest extent possible (if God grants you repentance, you’ll WANT to do this).

I pray you do the Christ-glorifying thing now.

Do you know how many times I've read on here or otherwise heard that a spouse confesses an affair and the betrayed spouse already knew but didn't want to talk about it? None. Absolutely zero.

Do you know how often a BS says they would never, ever have considered that their WS was having an affair even if there were some odd or suspicious things that happened? That's quite common.

It makes me wonder if your internal narrative about your wife's knowledge and feelings is a defensive mechanism, maybe subconscious, to absolve yourself of guilt for lying to her all these years. Your narrative is convenient for you.

It's not really the job of a spouse to track down and sort out lies told by their partner. That's true of whatever your addiction issues are too. Spouses generally believe they should trust and rely on their partner to tell them the truth and come to them with issues. If my WS had a parking ticket, I probably wouldn't have even look at the address. And if I did recognize it was from across town, I would not have questioned his explanation. That's before finding out his infidelity though. I did care and would want to know about an affair, but I trusted.

Just don't be surprised if your betrayed wife isn't totally shocked, shattered, and absolutely devastated by your confession.

Please respect your wife’s life.

My husband and I were married in our early twenties and have three grown children. Years ago, I had suspicions about my husband’s infidelity, but he consistently denied it. Three years ago, he finally confessed to the affair, which shattered me. I was devastated that he had kept this secret for 27 years and undermined my intuition. The betrayal of trust was incredibly painful.

Five months later, he admitted to having another one-night stand, which further escalated the situation. I couldn’t bear the thought of continuing in this marriage, so I left and separated from him. It was unbearable to realize that he had broken our covenant and had sex with me while I believed it was within the confines of our marriage. He had given away what was mine. If I had known he had been with another woman and then returned home to me, I would not have consented. I feel violated and humiliated.

Despite our separation, we are still technically married, but I resent his lying more than anything. His actions were cruel, disrespectful, and he didn’t give me the choice to stay or leave. It was my choice.

I can’t trust him at all, and I feel like I want to leave. I have to mourn the death of my own life as I knew it. The man I married pretended to be someone entirely different to gain my trust. He never told me or showed me who he truly was, and he still hasn’t.

Now, I’m part of a support group that helps me love and accept myself. I realize that I have only one life, and 33 years of it were stolen from me. I’m determined to live the rest of my life authentically. I’ve separated myself financially and emotionally so that I can move to a safe place on my own, surrounded by people who love me.

I still have a gut feeling that there’s more to the story, and my husband might be lying. I’ve had suspicions for the past five years that something was off, but I brushed them aside because I didn’t trust my instincts or myself. However, I realize now that I was wrong. So, he’s agreed to take a polygraph test to move forward. I’ve been waiting for him to offer to do so earlier, but he hasn’t, so I’m pressuring him to take it so I can finally make a decision.

Thank you for sharing your situation. I urge you to tell her everything at once, leaving no stone unturned, including the truth about seeking out the AP and when it happened. The timeline is crucial because she needs to know that her gut feelings weren’t crazy. Please do it out of respect for her and let her go if she chooses to leave. It’s her decision, and she deserves the same respect as the person she trusts the most.