SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have found that since my wife’s affair I have lost all of my self esteem and the only time I feel like I have any sort of worth or value is when she wants to sleep with me. When we don’t sleep together I fall into a deep depression, and then after all these years the mental movies start to happen again.. I start pacing around the room.. I start re-going over the events of the affair.. connecting dots I’ve probably already done a thousand times.. googling him.
It’s like all of my mental health is tied to my wayward wife wanting to sleep with me.
I’m so fucked up. I was never like this before.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I totally get it. What helped me was to detach and 180 after Dday, I slowly but surely detached my worth, my future, or my purpose from my W. I worked very hard on myself, exercise, nutrition, and new hobbies. I put myself in a place to make it with or without her. This did not solve the mind movies right away, but over time, they have disappeared. Don't go this alone, go seek IC and post here as often as you need.

You need to see a therapist who deals with family structure and codependency. That’s what this sounds like.

I agree with Tanner. Getting out of your own head is hard but you need to reclaim your sense of who you are. You can use the 180 to begin separating yourself, emotionally, from her. You dependency on her probably comes from abandonment issues from childhood.

Do some research and find a therapist to give support and guidance.

Stay here. This group has a ton of very good ideas. They are/have been in the trenches like you.

Lastly, look after your health. I think you need possible meds for anxiety.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:10 AM, Tuesday, February 18th]

100% therapy just for you. You are suffering from codependency. Get yourself into IC stat and stick with it. You can get past this!!!

My self esteem has definitely taken a massive blow and it's not something I've felt able to address until very very recently, a year out. I've never been a confident person anyway, but my partner sleeping with someone twelve years younger than me? Definitely didn't help.

I agree with previous posters who recommend therapy and focusing on yourself away from the validation/opinions of your wife. I've recently taken up exercise again, am trying to look into eating better, trying to focus on hobbies outside of my relationship/family life, and making time to socialise by myself too. It all helps, little by little. Good luck!

DawGxl

I want to apologize...
You have been here since 2011 and when I look up your old posts from back then I notice how little response and support you got from us. Not that the replies given were bad, but rather than so few of us chimed in. Sorry for that.

Your old posts... well... they focus a lot on your self-acknwledged depression and feelings of deficiency. We should have been herding you towards therapy – to someone that could help you focus on your own mental health and sense of worth.

I don’t know if this will help:
You are great! You are complete! There is nothing missing in you!

But... you have to realize that, and find the piece you think is missing and nurture it.

I personally find great strength in the quote I have in my tag-line. I am in control of my own happiness. If I’m not content where I am, it’s up to ME to get somewhere that might make me less unhappy. This doesn’t necessarily mean a straight and easy path, but from where you are now you can move to a better place, and from there on to an even better place.
I think you could benefit from having a guide on that path – IC or some form of group-therapy.

Losing self esteem is par for the course. Staying low for 14 years ... that's a lot longer than most of us have experienced. Looking back on your posts, I'll assume this has been a constant problem.

I know you did some counseling immediately after the A that you found helpful. What else have you done so far to heal?

You mentioned that you want help from your W. What has she done to help you?

The problem is that you have to do the heavy lifting here - no one can heal you but you. Your W hurt you, but she can't cure you

Getting your self-esteem back would, I venture, make life a lot more enjoyable. It' will free energy up that will add even more to enjoyment - and to productivity, effectiveness, and a lot of other good stuff. I know you're a teacher and father of 4 (still), but therapy might be a very good investment for you.

You really can heal from being betrayed, but you need some help if you've been stuck since 2011....

OTOH, if this hasn't been a constant problem, what has changed to bring this up again? The answer to that question could be a clue to what you need to fo to heal.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:09 PM, Tuesday, February 18th]

I was not on this forum 14 yrs ago. I hate that this anguish has been a companion all these years. This is imperative. You must get a very well trained therapist in EMDR. It is a short term therapy to help you dig up memories from your entire life. It’s painful but necessary. Then you need talk therapy to recalibrate your mind. Seriously.
I am a social worker. I deal with families whose children are not nurtured. It has a lasting effect. From birth to age four a child’s future is set on a firm rock foundation or sand where they slowly sink. It takes almost no effort to harm a child. A psychologist said you can drive a child crazy in a week. I have no idea what your life was like but I would bet money you had some holes there. Children are terrified of abandonment and if that is part of their daily lives it follows them into adulthood.
Please take care of your precious self. Make a phone call and get busy with the rest of your life.