SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all,

About 2 years ago I(28) cheated on BH(31) -no child - and we divorced. For some time, we were both sad, angry and tried to move on to our lifes with two confused minds in seperate ways. After we divorced, we were still living in the same house - since we bought it together and were trying to sell at that time.

The thing is, while we were in that situation I realized that I wanted to work on getting back our relationship. I was having therapy during that time and this was what I discovered. After some thought on it, I had a talk about this with BH. He agreed to spend time together but not as H-W or BF-GF since he didnt want to feel attached again. Bu we promised each other to talk about if we talk with other strangers for a new relationship purposes. For over 1.5 years, we were loyal and true to each other. I tried everything to get BHs trust which I did (this what BH says). BH even says that I am a completely new person: more mature, more loyal to him and he is suprised for that. I am very happy about the person I've became. I am happy that he feels better due to new me. I am still trying and BF also tries to trust me and get the bad memories out of his mind.

About a month ago, we took a big step on our 'situation' and decided to become BF and GF. I am very happy that we are taking step forwards. I know that we have things time to time that BH remembers something and then I try to comfort him by giving examples, explanation and such. We never talk about the D-Day and affair but we talk about the fear BH has about me cheating on him again. I try to comfort him about this as much as I can by giving explanation and saying how much I love and care him.

To be honest, our relationship now, compared to pre D-Day is alot better and filled with love. We had communication issues before especialy from my side - I didn't insist on things I wanted and say yes to what he wanted all the time then became sad about it while he didn't aware about anything. Now, I always communicate with manners and explations about how I feel and what I want and this makes our relationship better.

The reason I wanted for suggestion is about the message I got from BH last night while I was sleeping. Btw, since we sold our house, we both have our seperate houses now. That's why we don't live together. Anyway, in the message BH states that he feels awful even when he tells me that he loves me, calls me lover, honey or etc. BH told me that he triggered while we were watching a movie 2 days ago. (in the movie she cheats on her H, but we didn't know this from the trailer of the movie since she is a side character.) BH states that he doesnt know what to do since he don't want be without me but he feels restless. BF says that he wants to run away without telling anything to anyone but he also didn't mention about breaking up. Tbh, I didn't know that the BH's situation was this bad and I feel extremely stupid about this. BH says that he is trying to hold and hide this feelings but I am extremely sorry that I've never seen the signs.

So my question is, what should I do to make BH comfortable? BH says that when he is with me physically, he don't have any hesitation since I can make him forget about it, but when he is not then he starts to have nightmares about this fear of him - being cheated on again by me. We both want to reconcile and I knew that its not going to be flowers and butterflies, but I'm not sure what to do in some type of situations. That's why I came back here to ask some ideas and suggestions from the fellow W and B friends about how they overcome this type of triggering situations with their partners.

[This message edited by MessageInABottle at 10:07 AM, Monday, February 10th]

I don’t know if this will help you but I’m going to give it a shot.

You can see from my tagline my H had 2 affairs. The last affair was a typical midlife crisis affair and he was planning to D me to be w/ the OW.

One thing I learned during our R which was years was that the cheating spouse can only help me heal up a certain point. The rest was up to me.

I think your H is in the same boat as I was. He’s waiting to "feel better" but is stuck. He’s stuck in the "what if this happens again" mindset.

I finally had to face that hurdle and decide that if my H cheated again, I would be hurt but not devastated. I would survive. I would be Ok. I can be happy with him or without him.

A relationship requires two happy people coming together and having the partner ADD joy to your life. Your partner is not there to make you happy. That’s on you.

I think your H needs to address his fears with some professional counseling. It can help him address his uncertainty and help him understand he’s not going to crumble if you cheated again. He would be sad and hurt but he has survived this once already. And I am sure he will again.

He needs his self confidence back.

MessageInABottle:

as an experienced BH -

Bluntly: Betrayed EX-Hubby has to learn (somehow) to live with the memory you created. He will never forget until death or Alzheimer's.

If he love you enough, he will be able to overcome the pain he feels - and it's going to be constant every time he thinks of you and/or sees you and/or something happens (the famous "triggers") that bring up the memories.

If you read enough stories here you will find the ones that succeeded changed their behavior permanently.
The ones who betrayed did everything that the could figure out how to do to establish trust that their morality/integrity/adherance to marriage vows was unbreakable.

I would bet a shiny new Silver Dollar your 'mate' doesn't trust you anywhere near 90% when he is out of your sight. That is part of what you must figure out how to address.

The Truth - never again hide or lie about what/when/where/or who or what you are thinking. (you can fudge a bit like keeping secret for a birthday present)

Regarding

Anyway, in the message BH states that he feels awful even when he tells me that he loves me, calls me lover, honey or etc.

This is now part of yours and his life. Will it go away - some but never will be the same. His mind movies will kick in.
Try and imagine what his mind "sees" when he thinks of what you did with your paramour. Time will diminish his mental trip into hell but still, it will never be gone. Something you both have to accept and figure out how to live with said memory and how to deal with them when they occur.

Ok now that you have heard my opinion -
There is a couple who posted here - the husband posted as "Done Gone" and his Wife - the cheater - posted elsewhere.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/557162/now-she-is-so-sorry/
and later when more time has passed and both him and her find out and do some things:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/581914/now--i-and--39-m-so-sorry/

It's a raw and painful story for both.

So? Well, after quite some time - they got back together but with "conditions" -

So #2: YOU CAN get back together - the "BUT" is doing so will take time and both of you must work on yourselves.

EX-Husband might benefit from personal counselor (IC, aka psychiatrist) and both of you must commit to working on that goal
with open communication and hard work (hard as in you must bare your souls to each other regarding your feeling to and about each other)

You can look up "Walloped" - they didn't divorce (she cheated) but (AFAIK) still together.

One quip I picked up along the path of life: "A Winner never quits. A Quitter never wins."

Don't quit

MessageInABottle:

The1stWife has posted you some valuable info and perspective.

If he love you enough, he will be able to overcome the pain he feels....

I think it's more If he loves himself enough, he will be able to overcome the pain he feels.

He is the only one who can heal himself. You're the only one who can heal you. You both have to access some level of self-love to see that healing is possible. Then healing and self-love grow in tandem. IMO, a person who loves themself won't cheat.

Focus on healing. D & R will take care if themselves.

Another thought on ways you can help him.

Consistency - meaning your actions match your words.

If you say you are going to be home at 8 pm, be home on time. If you say you are going to the store, go to the store you said , not some other store 30 minutes away.

If you move from one location to another, let him
Know. Hey I just left the supermarket and I’m going to stop by the bakery and pick up some bread. Even if unplanned, it shows you are doing all you can to recognize his issues.

I agree with The1stWife. Consistency, authenticity, transparency, empathy - all are important for recovery.

I also agree that you both have to heal yourselves before you can heal the relationship.

Just keep doing the right thing. Share your thoughts and feelings. Apologize often. Ask what you can do to help, and then do it. Vocalize that you're willing to do what it takes and that you want him.

Was the OM a coworker?
Does BH live or work near the OM?

Living separate at this point is an not helping

Hello all,

First of all, thank you very much for your suggestions and help.

I was preparing a DIY gift for BH since it's valentine's day so I was quite busy and couldnt reply back. So far, we are back to how we were just before I posted this thread here. He was extremely happy about the DIY gift I prepared for him and we had a beautiful day together. I also ordered a heart-shaped velvet cake with our pictures on it and he also loved it :)

I would like to give some more information about what I generally do and don't do to explain myself better and (maybe) see if I have any mistakes so I can fix it asap with your valuable suggestions.

I think your H needs to address his fears with some professional counseling. It can help him address his uncertainty and help him understand he’s not going to crumble if you cheated again. He would be sad and hurt but he has survived this once already. And I am sure he will again.

I agree with this. However, he doesn't want to go to IC. Since his experince with IC before was very bad and I don't want to push him to do it, I mentioned about this couple of times before but he said no.

I would bet a shiny new Silver Dollar your 'mate' doesn't trust you anywhere near 90% when he is out of your sight. That is part of what you must figure out how to address.

This is probably true. That's why I always try to be completely open to him whenever I go outside and how long it'll be. For example, when I need to go to pharmacy, supermarket, or whenever I meet with friends. I guess one good thing about meeting friends is that, I don't have so many close friends so I only meet like 3-4 friends and he knows all of them. That's why he doesn't feel bad about it. I also share my locations (not live track) but as a location name which he can come and find me if he wants whenever.

He is the only one who can heal himself. You're the only one who can heal you.

To be honest, I don't believe this. Since I hurt him, I should be at least helping him to make him heal. I can be open, consistent and truthful to him so he can feel better about himself, myself and also for the sake of our relationship. I strongly believe that I should give him what he wants as much as I can. Thankfully, these things also comes from my heart and I want to do that with my whole heart. I know that after some point, my effords won't be enough and he should figure the rest by himself. But at least to that point, I have to give him a comfortable place, open heart and transparent truth...

Thank you very much for this suggestion:

Another thought on ways you can help him.

Consistency - meaning your actions match your words.

I'm actually doing this since we started with reconcilation about 1.5 years ago. This was one of the important task I should do to make him comfortable. I also sometimes send him photos with my friends, or even when I'm home I sometimes send my photos or some random things. I do this by myself, he never asks for it. I feel like he might be wondering if I'm telling the truth and I just want to relieve his heart about this as much as I can.

Thanks also for this suggestion as well:

Just keep doing the right thing. Share your thoughts and feelings. Apologize often. Ask what you can do to help, and then do it. Vocalize that you're willing to do what it takes and that you want him.

I also agree with this! While we were in D process, he told me that I've never appreciated him. That words still make me extremely sad. That's why I always apreciate him whenever he does or remember something about/for us/me. For example, he came to my place with a bouquet today for the valentine's day! That made me soo emotional but later he said that 'I know you love orchids but you have difficult times to take care of them -which is true- that's why I remember you saying you also like bouquet with mixed flowers that's why I got you this' and those words actually made me into tears 2 times today and I told him that 'I dont even remember saying you this but you always listen to me and this is much more important for me than this flowers. ' and ofcourse after that I cried from happiness. To be honest, I still think that I dont deserve him.. However, I try to be better version of myself more and more after these kind of sweet moments.

About these questions:

Was the OM a coworker?

Does BH live or work near the OM?

No OM wasnt a cowerker or lives in the same area as I am. I also have no contact and never talked with him after D-day. BH is also not living close or work near OM. So OM isnt anywehere in our lives anymore for more than 2 years.

Living separate at this point is an not helping

For this comment, tbh I have mixed feelings. We are not living together but we live closeby like around 15-20 mins driving distance. So that's positive from one side. Also our parents and family members dont know that we are BF and GF right now which also makes the situation less complicated. Dowside is I miss him alot and he also misses me.. but we are also trying to see this from the positive side that we are still in love with each other. I also want to live together but I dont want to push him for this since it can also negatively effect us and he can pull himself (maybe?) In addition, since we are living closeby we stay in each others place most of the time anyway and if one of us needs something or sick, other can help quite quickly imo. I also would like to point out that I want to live with him at some point but don't know when.. I'll wait him to be ready for this since he wants to take it slow and see the improvement in me. If I was in his shoes, I would do the same.

To be honest, I know that this proces will take quite sometime. I belive in myself and also I believe in him that if we both help and be true to each other, we will stay together and be succesful. I want that with my whole heart. Even after we get married at some point, I still want to continue what I'm doing and compliment him for all the things he does. I'll continue to have open communication about my thoughts and feelings.

[This message edited by MessageInABottle at 10:53 PM, Friday, February 14th]

We never talk about the D-Day and affair but we talk about the fear BH has about me cheating on him again.

This sounds kinda rug sweeping, or partial rug sweeping, which is not good.

Anyway, in the message BH states that he feels awful even when he tells me that he loves me, calls me lover, honey or etc. BH told me that he triggered while we were watching a movie 2 days ago. (in the movie she cheats on her H, but we didn't know this from the trailer of the movie since she is a side character.) BH states that he doesnt know what to do since he don't want be without me but he feels restless. BF says that he wants to run away without telling anything to anyone but he also didn't mention about breaking up. Tbh, I didn't know that the BH's situation was this bad and I feel extremely stupid about this. BH says that he is trying to hold and hide this feelings but I am extremely sorry that I've never seen the signs.

So my question is, what should I do to make BH comfortable? BH says that when he is with me physically, he don't have any hesitation since I can make him forget about it, but when he is not then he starts to have nightmares about this fear of him - being cheated on again by me. We both want to reconcile and I knew that its not going to be flowers and butterflies, but I'm not sure what to do in some type of situations. That's why I came back here to ask some ideas and suggestions from the fellow W and B friends about how they overcome this type of triggering situations with their partners.

From how you describe him, it sounds like your BH still has deep mental wounds.

I agree with this. However, he doesn't want to go to IC. Since his experince with IC before was very bad and I don't want to push him to do it, I mentioned about this couple of times before but he said no.

If he doesn't want IC then what is his plan? Has he been doing anything else to restore his mental health? Because sooner or later he's going to have to do something. He does not sounds anywhere close to healed enough to the point where he no longer needs outside help.

You could try getting him to do mental health workbooks and exercises if isn't already.

Or encourage him to find an understanding friend or close relative to talk to.

You can even have him post here or other places on the internet related to infidelity and reconciliation. Though if you do, be careful, some places will do anything to try to get him to leave you including calling him cuck, loser, etc.

The idea is to find some ways to help him now and maybe get him back to IC later. There are plenty of examples both here and other sites where the community has slowly coaxed a BH or BW into going to IC or going back to IC.

Oh and just in case you don't know this already, compatibility of the IC to your BH is extremely important, far more so than with other kinds of health care providers. So if your BH's bad experience with IC was due to poor compatibility, make sure it doesn't happen again.

He is the only one who can heal himself. You're the only one who can heal you.

To be honest, I don't believe this. Since I hurt him, I should be at least helping him to make him heal. I can be open, consistent and truthful to him so he can feel better about himself, myself and also for the sake of our relationship. I strongly believe that I should give him what he wants as much as I can.

They aren't saying you can't help, they are saying that you can only help so much; at some point the actions have to be taken by himself. Think of it like exercise or physical therapy after breaking all the bones in his legs. You can help him by feeding him, dressing him, pushing his wheelchair, getting his shoes, and even putting his shoes on for him. You can even help hold him upright since he is still weak. However, actions such as contracting his leg muscles, shifting his weight, and putting one foot ahead of another to eventually rebuild his strength and balance -- those actions he must do himself.

Moreover, you can't let him lean on you too much because you feel sorry for cheating on him. If you do, he might avoid the painful and tiring work of physical therapy. The reason the other posters have emphasized him healing himself is because they are worried that this might be happening: he's avoiding IC because he's leaning on you too much for emotional support.

I also share my locations (not live track) but as a location name which he can come and find me if he wants whenever.

Why not live? is there some practical reason that prevents you from doing it live?

[This message edited by mardandra at 8:26 AM, Saturday, February 15th]