SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Infidelity has cost me a lot over the years.

As a child, my father's infidelity cost me my happy family.

As an adult, the discovery of my husband's infidelity robbed me of the last four months of my mother's life. D-Day was in March 2014. She had a heart attack at the beginning of August 2014 and died at the end of August 2014.

My mother and I had always been very close. But after D-Day, I isolated as I reeled from the discovery and my H's lies and gaslighting. I wasn't the daughter I had been. My mother knew something was going on, but I never got to a point where we could talk -- and then she was gone.

Infidelity cost me 1/4 of my life. It cost me the years of not being a really good parent as I had a mental breakdown shortly after D-Day2. This is the one that gets to me the most. It robbed my children of having a mentally healthy mother. This is something I will NEVER forgive xWS for.

Infidelity cost me my hobbies and focus on being physically healthy instead I spiraled, gave up, gained weight and started drinking then developed high cholesterol and high blood pressure.

It cost me lifelong friendships.

One thing I did do was confide in whoever I wanted to, my family , friends, my children now know the full details as to why their mom had to be in a mental hospital 2 times.

I won't entertain infidelity with my new partner or any partner in the future. I will leave and heal with no triggers and no being around the perpetrator to remind me of what happened.Focusing on a failed R and trying to save a bad M and keep the family together at all costs was the worst decision I have ever made.

Luckily I have made strides since leaving the M. I've gotten my health back on track, my relationship with my now adult kids is stronger than ever and I cherish all the time I get to spend with them. I have kept my friendships that have supported me through this horrific journey. And I met a man who is everything my xWS wasn't and has given me a renewed faith in love.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:15 PM, Wednesday, September 18th]

Holding it all in is so very hard. I told several good friends, all of whom were supportive and deeply sympathetic. I haven't told my in-laws, my dad, our kid, or our wider social circle, but they will all find out in a few years if I go through with my current plan to leave my WS after kid turns 18. I only told my mom because she straight up said, "Did he have an affair?" and I refuse to tell lies.

We are currently taking care of my MIL in our house as she recovers from a broken hip and surgery. It is so VERY HARD to listen to her wax on about the virtues of her precious son. WS is an only child, and his dad divorced MIL when she was pregnant to be with another woman. It devastated her. I'm sure she would still find some way to excuse WS's affairs if she knew, because he is her golden child, but maybe I wouldn't have to hear about how wonderful he is.

What has infidelity cost me? My health in so many ways. Every doctor I see tells me to avoid stress. Cue a bitter laugh. I can't stop thinking about how much I'd welcome death right now, but my health problems are not terminal, just severely disabling and incurable. Infidelity has cost me my sexuality, success at work, and self-respect. I'm pretending like everything is happy and okay, when inside, I'm neither happy nor okay. I keep up the pretense for the sake of our child and our families, but I don't think I can do this forever.

There are people who can make peace and find true R. The more time passes (nearly 2 years from dday1), the more I think I am not cut out to be one of those people. Maybe that's okay? Sometimes it takes a while to really know yourself and discover what you want, right?

No thanks

I totally get the hoping for death thing. Me too. I’m not suicidal, but think if only something would take me out, I would be at peace. I would not fight it.

Quick threadjack - No Thanks (love the name BTW - perfect really), I see you are concern about never being able to reconcile, or to get yourself back. Sometimes there is someone on here for whom I worry when I see a post that they may be stuck - and stuck deeply - and I am concerned for their health and safety. You are not one of those people - you know why? Because you said this:

There are people who can make peace and find true R. The more time passes (nearly 2 years from dday1), the more I think I am not cut out to be one of those people.

I know this SUCKS but being nearly 2 years past d-day 1 is right about the time most of us start thinking we are never going to be happy, never going to get through this, never going to whatever.... It really was about 5 for me - 5 freaking years I know but I can tell you things are so much better. I read your words and distinctly recall how that felt then - and it seems like a lifetime away. You will be okay - especially as you have a plan. You will.