SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So brief recap for those who haven’t read my other posts
My partner is a musician. Had a ONS in February while in a different country for work. Lots of up and down since. He refuses to leave the band/agree to certain things that would make me feel better. Attempting a 180 but seriously struggling this weekend.
So he’s currently in a different country again. I’ve been really sad for this trip for some reason, usually it’s anger, but this time I’ve been quite teary.
The time difference is weird in that he’s hours behind me this time, it’s usually the opposite. He said this country wasn’t very safe and that they were worried about that so would only be going for drinks in the hotel lobby if that. I’ve woken up to a text saying he’s gone back to the organiser’s apartment and it’s just the organiser, his wife, and the drummer from his band there and that he’s not drinking. He didn’t read/reply to my messages after that. Said he’d let me know when he would be leaving so he could call me and the kids. (Told them yesterday he’d be calling at the time he text me instead).

Now I’ve felt anxious while he’s been on trips before, especially when he’s gone out after, but when he cheated I remember having a clear feeling that he was lying to me that night and when he stopped responding to texts I immediately knew that he had done something.
I’ve got that horrible feeling again that he’s lying, just the same sicky feeling in my stomach. I can’t work out if it’s just regular anxiety but it doesn’t really feel like it. I feel like he’s lying either about where he is or who he’s with. And now he’s not responding to my messages.

He has never gone back to an organiser’s apartment before, seems odd to me? In a country where they were worried about safety too? Like how is he getting back to the hotel?

I’ve just got that horrible feeling again and don’t know what to do about it.
Thought the 180 was going well but I can’t even keep that up. It’s too exhausting. I just want him either to do what I’ve asked or go but that’s not financially possible so I’m stuck.

Three hours later and still no word. Kids have asked me why he hasn’t called. Going to my parents’ soon where they will no doubt ask the kids if they’ve spoken to him this morning, and if they haven’t the questions will be directed at me as to why.
Sick of covering for him and making up lies and excuses, mostly so people don’t think I’m stupid but also so my family don’t hate him.
It’s now coming up to 5am where he is.
So upset and sick of having to pretend I’m okay for the kids and everyone else. Wish someone would swoop in and take care of me the way I have to for everyone else.

Sorry for the self pitying rants this morning.
Just completely fed up with it all.

Trust your gut.

He should be answering all your texts. It's not fair to make you worry and wonder what he is up to.

I had the most unbothered, basic text at 8.20am his time. No acknowledgement that he’d failed to call our kids hours and hours ago. He’s just missed another scheduled call with them. No acknowledgment that he’d obviously made me feel like shit, gave no information about where he’d been or what he’d been doing. I’ve had those replies before. He’s definitely done something. Maybe not cheating but he’s been somewhere inappropriate or with someone inappropriate or got extremely drunk or taken drugs. I don’t know, he’s definitely done something though. Should I bother trying to find out what it is?
Half tempted to just send him back to his mums when he returns. Really starting to see the narcissistic behaviour and just a complete lack of care or concern about me. Can’t really sugar coat it for myself anymore or try to make excuses for him. Just really don’t like him right now.

Have you read https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/385631/boundaries-and-consequences-101-for-all-new-bs/?ap=461? It's really important.

If you can't set firm boundaries yet, so be it - but work on yourself so you can set firm limits.

Infidelity or not, he's broken a commitment to you and your kids. That's a betrayal.

I haven’t read that but I’ll take a look thank you.

Just got a phone call, absolutely ashamed of himself because he got wasted and avoided me again.
I’m done.
I’ve said if he comes back still a member of that band he can go straight back to his mum’s. He was too ashamed to speak to the kids, so he’s going to call them later instead.
I’ve reached my limit. The reason I didn’t send him to his mum’s before was because there’s no space for our kids to stay there with him, but that’s not my fault. I can’t live with it anymore and I’m not going to feel guilty for reacting to his shitty childish behaviour.

I’m really sorry, user 4578. The continued promises and backsliding are heartbreaking, I know. You sound strong and determined. And done.

1. So your gut was right. That’s something good to remember. This is part of the watch and observe thing. You know when something is going on, even when it isn’t confirmed by proof, even when he denies. That was an important confirmation for me. You can trust yourself and your gut. Even though you may not have always been aware and he has been able to make you doubt yourself, you have been observing and understanding him for a long time. This was something it was really important for me to discover. My WH was a great gaslighter, but when you know, you know—and you can’t unknow it once you’ve become fully aware.

2. He is clearly showing you who he is. Believe him. This is also part of the stay quiet and watch what he does thing. He has no excuses now. He knows what’s at stake. He is operating in the full knowledge of how badly he can f-up. And he still does it. He does it knowing how much you’ve been hurt. He does it knowing your conditions for staying in the relationship. He is CHOOSING this. He isn’t helpless or out of control. He is embracing the worst of himself.

3. He tried to make you believe that HE was the problem, not the road, when it served his purposes of not giving up the band. The band and the road have helped him hide who he was choosing to be, and the band and the road encourage the worst behaviors, for sure, and that’s why he can’t stay in the band and get better. But in another really important way, he was exactly right. So this is HIM. This is who he is. Giving up the band is necessary, but it’s not going to fix him or make him be a good husband and dad. He has to decide to want those things more than he wants to be a weak, self-indulgent childish man. And then, he would have to do an incredible amount of very difficult work on himself.

So the question is: if this is him, with or without the band or the road or anything else. If this is really who he is and chooses to be. Will him being home make a difference to you? Maybe that’s something you can’t answer right now, especially given this new violation. He may come back and have quit the band. What then? What do you want? How much more are you up for?

We all have to reach a point where we ask ourselves what WE want, regardless of what our WS is doing. There are those of us who have ridden out horrible, continuous wayward behavior and broken promises and continued to tolerate the uncertainty and heartache. There are those of us who have walked on d-day, or shortly after d-day, or after months of trickle-truth and new discoveries. There are also those who have chosen to end the relationship even though their WS was working very hard to reconcile just because the betrayal turned out to be a deal-breaker for them. There are those whose WS really and truly got it and worked their asses off to become better humans and were able to reconcile.

You don’t have to know what you want right now, but it’s important to start exploring it. Your WS could be any one of those situations above. Whatever he decides to do and ultimately does, your choice is yours and shouldn’t, really mustn’t, be about just reacting to him and his choices. Your WS may come home decided about the band, but not ready to give up all of the unhealthy parts of himself that led him here. He may come home defiant and defensive like he did last time. He may come home a blubbering mess.

The important thing is not him, at this point. The important thing is continuing to do what you’ve been doing: stay true to yourself, stand for yourself and your kids, don’t accept less than what you need, want and deserve, don’t get sucked into his shame and weakness and start to clean up. Just keep quiet and keep watching. This is his journey to take. He has to decide the route for himself. HE HAS TO whether he’s ready or feels able or not.

So keep taking care of you, keep detaching, keep talking with your counselor. You’ve got this. We all know it sucks,but you’ve got this.

I think I know what I want and it’s what I’ve been asking for since I found out about the cheating.

I didn’t just say if he doesn’t leave the band he has to leave. I completely lost it to be honest and went on a huge rant.
I brought up how the kids are getting old enough to notice his shitty behaviour and that I can’t/won’t cover for him with them anymore.
Brought up how I had to dodge questions from my parents all afternoon and how they definitely knew something was up and how much effort that was for me, and that I have to do that all the time so that they don’t hate him.
I told him his lack of concern and care for my feelings and mental health is disgusting.
I brought up therapy again and said that he has some deep rooted issues that he absolutely has to work on and he has to stop fighting against that so much, that these shame spirals are getting more and more ridiculous and I can’t watch it anymore.

I don’t remember what else I said. When I started I couldn’t stop but he agreed with everything I said.

I don’t know. Guess we’ll see when he comes home whether that was just a hungover depression like last weekend or whether he actually does anything about it.

He’s supposed to be talking to his ‘boss’ later today to tell him he’s leaving the band but I don’t know if he will and it’s late here so I’m going to get some sleep and speak to him in the morning before his flight home.

I completely lost it to be honest....

Gently, that can be read as, 'I had to lose it before I could be honest.'

What you say you said seems to be appropriate.

What sisoon said. Really. While you may have been really angry. . .or really sad. . .or really horrified. . .or some mix of overwhelmed feelings when you heard him yet again admitting—after the fact—that he had betrayed you, everything you listed having said is perfectly reasonable and, most of all, TRUE.

Expressing your frustration with feeling the need to cover for him just so people won’t be disgusted and hate him is reasonable. Maybe it’s time to let people hear what you’re experiencing and let the chips fall where they may. Is protecting him from the consequences of his actions helping him? Really?

Expressing your outrage that he continues to behave so irresponsibly and openly that HIS CHILDREN are noticing and are continually being negatively affected is not only reasonable, it’s necessary. IT"S HIS JOB to take care of them and set a good example for them. If he doesn’t change, they ARE going to see all of his dysfunction. They are the ones who will need your support most. This is a hard one since I know I tried to control his behavior to prevent more harm to my kids. It did not work. He wasn’t in my power to control.

Demanding that he get therapy because he is an unsafe person for himself and you and the kids is reasonable. Pointing out that he is doing abysmally at figuring this shit out on his own is reasonable.

I also struggled with speaking those hard truths unless I was in a highly over-emotional and frantic state, but it didn’t make the things I said less true and necessary to put out there. The critical step for me was learning that the truth can be spoken openly as a matter of course. That my truth mattered as much as his. That by speaking the truth, I wasn’t causing his problems or pushing him to be worse.

Keep talking. For your own sake, it will be helpful to keep detaching and trying to speak your truth calmly and frankly. You’re getting there.

Hugs to you, user. You’re being heard and understood. Take care of yourself and the kids.

I'm sorry. You gave him opportunities to change and grow.

One of his self-owned indications that he was undermining any chance at reconciliation was his statement that he would have still cheated if he weren't travelling, so it didn't matter if he did travel with the band. It's almost as if he were saying that he is who he is, he's comfortable with that and doesn't intend to change. You gave him a chance. He could have taken self-help books and stayed in his hotel room, done teletherapy sessions, hung out with his band mate who's a recovering alcoholic, taken up yoga or meditation or running... There were dozens of things he could have done that would have indicated he wanted to change into a healthier person and put his wife and family in a place of priority. Can you imagine a person who says they are reforming to a healthy diet and won't throw out the sweets? That's him. His actions are more powerful than any words.

I do think it's possible to be a successful musician and have a healthy marriage and family. I have a cousin who did it for 30+ years, and a good friend who stopped travelling to play music when his wife developed a chronic disease. This is all on your WH.