stilhurting, I just wrote this as a journal entry for today. It's about love and trust.
My wh passed away over 4 years ago and sometimes the pain of abuse and death is still so great. There is not one day that goes by where I don't relive everything that he did to me. Most days I can deal with it but some days, like today, it really gets to me, mainly because I am blown away with what I put up with.
I would never allow this to ever happen again... even if it means keep my walls up and never allowing another man in my life ever again. The pain my deceased wh caused to me with his infidelities and his drunkeness was unbearable.
Here is what I wrote:
I am struggling today with what he did to me. I still feel the deep soul pain of his emotional and psychological abuse. I trusted him to take care of me when we said I do at the alter, making all of the promises that he never intended to keep for me.
It's been over 4 long years since his death and yet sometimes I still hurt as deeply as if it were yesterday, still causing me this crushing, gut-wrenching pain. It's that bad.
I still can have some horrible down right bad, bad days where I can barely make it out of bed. I just want this nightmare to end and allow me to get back to my happy healthy self... but this time with him way in my past.
I feel like it was just yesterday that I was dealing with his infidelities, flirting with and staring at and smiling at other women, having affairs and hookups, getting drunk and being a jerk about it. Abandoning me and the kid's for days at a time for his girlfriends and alcohol, his true lusts in life.
I just want him gone from my memory. I want the memories to fade away. I want the memories of "us" gone. All of it. If I could, I would erase from my mind the memories of him and our past. In the end, he was not worth it to me, except for my kids and the money and health insurance he left behind. Everything else about him was a nightmare. He was truly evil.
Unfortunately, we can not separate the good and the bad in people. It's a package deal. Except I didn't know that the bad in him was so evil. I now hate saying that we had good times. Those good times never canceled out the bad in him.
I hate him, I really do. I feel because I stuck with him, my life feels destroyed to a point. My trust is gone for sure. I don't believe at this point anyway I could ever trust another man again. I would like to though but I fear that I would fall into the same trap as I did with him. And today I know I deserve so much more than what he offered to me. Red flags are everywhere for me today. My walls are definitely up. I pray that God has mercy on his and my soul.
It has taken me awhile to accept this but living and being with him was a living hell that I wish to never experience again.