SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When this all come to light she did try so hard.

The problem is that WS's tend to lapse back into old behaviors if they themselves allow their awareness of those behaviors that led to the affair to diminish.

She has clearly done so.

She is not acknowledging a simple fact, that after the affair, everything about those behaviors must change if the relationship is to give the BS a sense of safety and security.

So what if this guy is "gay", and what EXACTLY does "gay" mean? What about the next guy, or the guy after that, or the guy who comes to fix the plumbing?

Behavior with others, male or female, that makes the BS uncomfortable is simply not ok.

First of all I would like to thank everyone that has offered me advice not only on this post but all my other posts over the past 3 and a bit years.

I don't want it to come across like I have ignored all the sound advice that I have been given, but I'm sure every one of you know just how hard it is to make that first step, especially when it means going off alone.

Things seem to have taken a bit of a turn for the worst. Thats if it can can any worst. But I questioned her about her "friend" from work. I tried to get her to see that this isn't right and how it makes me feel. She got very defensive and said that I'm now controlling her by saying who she can and who she cant talk to. I have never said she cant talk to him or anyone. I have no right to do that. She is her own person. But the fact that we have been here before makes me more guarded.

I accused her of having an emotional affair. I said the fact that she has been texting outside of work even when we were on family vacation makes me feel un comfortable. She said I stupid if I think she is having an affair with this person. She demanded this has to stop and she will not put up with me accusing her like this. She said if i really think she is cheating again, then I must be stupid.

I asked her why she has changed. I sat her down and I was honest. I said I am not happy about texting a man and putting me in a position feeling this was again so soon. I explained that I seem to have less trust now than I did a couple of years ago. I explained that I don't think I will every be able to forgive her. She was taken back by that. I told her that may be we should have some time apart. Her response was fine go then. I explained that I didn't see a life with out her but this is destroying me. I asked if she could see a life with out me and she said she could, yes she could. Shortly after taking that back saying she didn't mean it.

I just cant get out my head that if she was really sorry, if she cared she would be fighting like she once did. Instead she is telling me that I will never be able to trust her. With out trust what do we have? Its like she is trying to leave or trying to get me to leave.

Her final words were that she is getting really sick of the way we are.

Why cant she just be honest and say we are over?

People that care, people that are sorry and would do anything to fix their marraige like many people on her fight. No matter how bad things get they fight. she said we only see the good side and hear what people put on here. Shouldn't she be trying even three years later no matter how bad things get? If she values me, wants us and is truly sorry, shouldn't she be willing to do anything to fix this. Instead of telling me I will never trust her.May be thats true but why I am I the one chasing.

You are all right. Its time, No matter how hard this may be its time.

Yes to all the above. She wrecked this, she should be doing all the things you are asking about.
I don’t see anything changing unless you get aggressive on what you need and what you will do if you don’t get it.
I pray that you find your self respect that you should have never traded in for this.

May be thats true but why I am I the one chasing.

You are all right. Its time, No matter how hard this may be its time.

Stop the chasing, in fact if it were me I would start the 180. You are absolutely correct she should still be fighting for you and if this situation is making you feel uncomfortable, as it would any of us who have been betrayed, then she should have been able to pull back . Her work situation should be strictly professional and it's not.

She has no empathy for your pain, triggers or concerns. Instead it seems like she has contempt for you and R will never work with that in the picture. You will never heal with her. It's like she is picking at the wound she caused you.

She got very defensive and said that I'm now controlling her by saying who she can and who she cant talk to

my xWS said this to me too, instead he kept talking to his AP and many other women too at my expense.

IF SHE really cared about you and the marriage she would agree that texting outside of work would stop immediately. But if she’s having an emotional affair or addicted to this relationship (in any way) she will refuse to stop. Because she put herself first before you.

IF SHE really cared she would understand your situation and do WHATEVER she could to make you feel safe.

IF SHE really cared she would apologize and accept that her actions caused you to feel this way. And express that to you.

Because that is what my H did and that is why we are happily reconciled.

Just my two cents.

removed

[This message edited by alucard at 11:46 AM, Saturday, September 14th]

Before DD I thought that a relationship must be free... I shouldn't speak if a certain acquaintance that my man has, makes me feel uncomfortable. A woman, an independent woman, in my mind, was someone that would never have to say anything, the other person had to know what to do and when and how. I am still to this day, genuinely sorry, because my h had all the freedom in the world, and although he honored that and respected it for 15 years, when the real problem in his head arised, he didn't count his blessings.
What I understood after DD is that I should be more vocal, I should not base my relationship on assumptions, in fact I shouldn't not base any relationship on the assumption that the other person understands my limits, or that this or that behavior isn't cool. Everybody in my life was crossing lines that I never set to begin with. We are responsible for the way that others perceive us, up to a certain point. Now after infidelity if your w doesn't understand the repercussions of her behavior, this is a result of her reduced mental abilities, or her indifference or your failed attempts to get her understand your limits. I would apply 180, not as a punishment for her but as a genuine expression of my limits that have been crossed. I would say a few words, very few, like "I don't like this", and if she doesn't understand, I would proceed to 180. She either gets to make this right or she stays in the other end of the 180. Do we want to be unappreciated? Do we want our immense effort to stay here to go unappreciated? I think not. 180 in the case of someone that doesn't understand the bare minimum of what needs to happen and how, is a gift of kindness to ourselves.

P122,

After reading some of your old posts, are your children and family still in contact with OMs people.

You are also in an oven of reminders, triggers and landmines.

I think it tough to recover in such a situation.

Can you run the OM out of town.

Have you exposed him, confronted him.

Is it possible that the only thing trying to change after d-day is you?

Has your wife gone to IC?
Have you two gone to MC?
It really sounds a lot like she’s still in her normal routine, your kids are all in their normal routine, OM is in his normal routine, you are still in the same plethora of visual triggers you were in when the affair took place... Basically it sounds like the expectation is that YOU change YOURSELF in some way to accept it all.

She is her own person.

True – but so are you.

I'm sorry you're going through this and that your WW has been unwilling to help you. It's like you're trying to recover from lung cancer and you live in a home with a smoker. Even with all the windows open, you will not effectively heal without clean air.

She accuses you of being controlling only because she's not willing to do the work. You're telling her what you need and she's refusing it, hence you're "controlling" her. I'm sure if you pointed out that her insistence you rugsweep everything is controlling as well, then she would insist she's right and if you would just do it her way everything would work out...without a hint of realizing the hypocrisy in her thinking.

She is not R material by a long shot. She still could be, eventually, but don't hold out hope that she ever will. Be genuinely willing to walk away and start your life over. You gave her ample time and opportunity. You can hold your head high knowing you tried.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1994 at 2:44 PM, Sunday, September 15th]

Maybe my friend it’s time to pull the plug on this marriage. It’s been 4 years and you are struggling to get any empathy from her. Your mental health seems to be heavily impacted so the question is why do you stay?
Your children are older and frankly will benefit more from a father who is not struggling mentally.

I’m sorry to read this thread. Since the beginning I suspected that your WW was not capable to truly change and show you she’s a reliable person in your marriage. She hasn’t been truly putting in any work, she’s only been waiting for you to "get over it".

No, perhaps you don’t have the right to tell her who she can talk to or who she can’t. In a lot of ways that can be interpreted as abusive.

But what you can do is draw boundaries and define what a successful marriage looks like for you. I don’t know about you but for me, in my world, a marriage where my spouse chooses a friendship over their relationship with me and my mental health is not a marriage worth fighting for.

I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a bitch and like my marriage is now some sort of dictatorship (it’s not), but since dday I’m not willing to doubt myself anymore. There are certain standards and requirements I’ve got in my relationship with my husband that I’m not willing to negotiate. I will not doubt myself anymore in the name of so called "freedom". Put it simply, if a friendship my husband has (woman or man) feels wrong to me I expect him to drop it. I am also offering the same in return. This only works if you’ve got a remorseful spouse who is willing to consider their own actions and what led to them. You can’t impose boundaries on cheaters that aren’t willing to own up to their actions and change.

I don’t think it is rocket science, I don’t think I’m asking for too much, if our marriage is precious enough for him he will put it above self serving actions.

You’ve given your WW too much power, time to take it back.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 5:04 PM, Monday, September 16th]

p12241342

Go back and read this post in this thread:

Stevesn ( member #58312)posted at 2:02 PM on Tuesday, September 3rd, 2024

The person "You fell in love with" doesn't exist now. Maybe didn't when you married?

Life often hands us a pile of crap or worse - irreplaceable loss of something dear to our heart.

Accept you have long dealt with that hand. Quit the game and move on . . .

Also - you may find reading your first post here worth considering. How? Well, what progress have you made since that first post?

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/654468/how-do-i-ever-get-over-the-affair-/

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 11:30 PM, Monday, September 16th]

Flip this

Why cant she just be honest and say we are over?

around.

Ask yourself that question instead.

Why are you seemingly yearning for her validation?

Another observation is that your WW is still in wayward mode of thinking, which is all about herself, and not enough about YOU.

A remorseful wayward would have done what you had asked especially after you had voiced discomfort, instead, your WW goes on and plays the overused victim card. Manipulating you.

Be genuinely willing to walk away and start your life over.

This is your only shot at *possibly* helping to create conditions for your W to "get it". She’s showing all kinds of signs true remorse / true inner change did not occur. You need to stand firm on "I want our M but this is not sustainable. If we can’t be 100% all in on recovery and restoration then it’s time to call it on this M".

Again, her attitude now will be a literal living hell for you. It’s time to stop accepting this disrespect.