WS responding
For many years after d-day I denied and minimised. I was defensive and often resorted to intimidation to be able to avoid conversations like this. I have recently changed this and am working on my empathy and being less selfish. However this is my story:
I minimised all aspects of my affairs, especially the sex. After the denials, I admitted to missionary position only. The sex was awful, did not last long, I left immediately after etc etc....I think these are the usual levels of bullshit a wayward will tell their BS.
These minimisations were entirely selfish. I have read and did even say I was "protecting" BS by not giving details. This, for me at least, was a lie. I did not want to be in an uncomfortable position, I did not want to discuss my affairs anyway, never mind the intimate acts. I did not want to put triggers into our sex life. (Some of the detail I gave caused issues with performing these acts between BS and myself). However in the early stages I was not empathetic, I was selfish, my thoughts were with me and not BS. I would get annoyed if BS was triggered. I did not want BS to get angry with me or upset when we were trying to initiate sex, I knew she had mind movies and I resented these as they caused further upset and delayed BS "moving on"
I knew about having to be honest, I knew that BS was not going to "move on", I knew that mind movies were crippling (hey I had my own and they knocked me back), I knew others had benefited from open and honest dialogue. I knew so much about what I needed to do, yet I chose not to do it, to avoid feeling uncomfortable. I told myself that if I said things, it would adversely impact the marriage, pulling from experience of BS getting upset when new things were divulged, I ignored that the marriage could have moved forwards as this went against my primary thoughts of self protection. Even reading SI, I looked for differences in other BSs stories and used these differences as a justification to myself that their experience did not apply to me.
I appreciate now, the damage this has done. That my BS wanted to know details to help her, not to give her ammunition to fire back at me.
Watching TV programmes is a massive trigger for us both. Certainly when infidelity is raised, but also when there is a happy moment. I have thought that this was because I have ruined any happy moments we had in the past, but after reading this today, it triggered me. I am rethinking and trying to be more empathetic to BS who had for a long time filled any gaps with her own thoughts. I have previously not recognised these fully and at times dismissed them as negative self talk. So once again I have to "actually listen" to what my BS is saying and support her when these thoughts appear. We have worked on dealing with sexual anxiety, it still needs work and when BS is suffering from them, I need to be more intuitive because just asking BS to tell me when she is suffering is not good enough on my part. I cannot assume all is well when we are sexually active.
It is true to say, if I trigger, the BS is certainly triggering.
As others have said, you need to know what you need to know.
It is wrong for WS to decided what you need to know. I struggle when I read a BS who says they were protecting BS by not saying anything. I immediately think this is a huge minimisation and they are lying to protect themselves. Of course this is based on my actions and I cannot project myself onto them...BUT...I still struggle.
It is important for you to be in control of the information you receive. Is full disclosure of every detail necessary? You decide yes or no. Does disclosure stop at the bedroom door? You decide yes or no. BS tried, in the past, to discuss mind movies. I was not receptive to this. Unfortunately, now that I am in a better place and more receptive, the damage has been done and BS and I need to work on this again for her to feel able to tell me about them. I have likely caused a lot of damage psychologically with my past behaviour.
If I ask for those details wont I end up with mind movies? Ugh
I will say probably, but getting them out in the open may be beneficial and lead to more connection with you and WS.