SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all I'm pretty new here and need support.
My husband and I been married 9 years. It was 7 months ago I found out that he was having an affair going on for 2 years until now. I had wanted him to end his relationship when I discovered it but he kept refusing saying he needed time and that it wasn't easy. I remember trying to get him to stop but he wouldn't. On Easter we had an argument and I didn't mention it again and just decided to look into divorce. It was today he told me he ended his relationship with this woman and brought back a bunch of his clothes from her place. I went through therapy since the beginning and now I don't know if I want to keep the marriage. I'm not sure how I am going to talk to him

[This message edited by sweetapplepie at 5:32 PM, Monday, August 19th]

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you've joined us. There are some posts pinned at the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, too. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for members whose WS (wayward spouse) was in a LTA (long-term affair). The level of deceit from a LTA can really take a toll.

We're here to help you out of infidelity, whether you D (divorce) or R (reconcile). Just because he stopped seeing her doesn't mean you have to stay. Why don't you see a lawyer or several to get an idea of what D would look like? Then you can make your plans.

Breaking up with an ap is not anywhere near enough for rebuilding a marriage.

Your WS cheated. He showed he is simply unreliable. He showed himself to prefer lying to being honest. He showed himself to be willing to hurt other people for his own momentary pleasure. He is not good partner material.

To be worth staying with, he needs to change from cheater to good partner. He needs to show you he won't lie again.

What is your H willing to do to rebuild your relationship?

Can you build a relationship you want with him?

What's holding you back from D? If your WS just wants to pretend he didn't cheat and store clothes at ow's home, he's not ready for R.

What are the pros and cons of D and R that you see?

I suggest looking at the 'fear vs. reality' thread in the Divorce/Separation forum.

Yes, you should.

He saw your devastation for months. He didn't care. Now that he's done with her or she broke up with him,he's ready for Plan B.

Don't be an option to someone who doesn't love you.

Don't be an option to someone who doesn't love you.

Perfectly said. Don't ever settle. You are worth so much MORE than to be Plan B (((HUGS))).

He ended it? Yeah right. His girlfriend probably dumped him and kicked his ass out. Now he’s crawling back to you.

And if he actually did end it on his own… it wasn’t because he cared about the suffering he caused you or had some newfound appreciation of his marital vows. It’s because his relationship with OW ran its course and he thinks he can just step back into his previous life with you.

Honestly, I would continue with your plans to divorce.

Not only did he have an affair, he continued it right under your nose.

I agree with another poster, the girlfriend probably dumped him or he just got bored, now you are his safe space to land.

Please don't ever be Plan B. Great meeting with a counselor, have her guide you to a better life that you deserve.

Sending a virtual hug ((((sap))))

I am so sorry that you've had to endure such a situation.

My suggestion regarding whether you want to D or not is this...

Think about the future times when your WS comes home late or is always on their phone texting or travels for business- will you be ok with it or will you spiral with fears that they are doing it again, reliving all that pain again, wanting to spy on them to make sure it doesn't happen to you again?

As a person who has been dealing with those feelings for 20 years- I would say make sure you know what you're in for.

The only way to get rid of those feelings is to start squishing them now otherwise resentment will take hold- forever. So if you really want to R- Get couple's counseling now.. because in the future, your WS will most likely think it's over and not want to agree to it should you have future resentment.

Good Luck and again sorry.

[This message edited by SoVeryConfused at 2:07 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

So sorry you are going through this! Excellent that you have counseling. Keep it up.

Always value yourself! Don’t sell yourself short! So your WH has decided after all of these months he is going to bless you with his undivided fidelity! So nice of him! (Sarc). I advise to continue to pursue D and have him served if you haven’t already. He needs a wake up call, and a reminder that you are the prize, not someone to be cheated on at his whim. I would toss out all of those clothes that he had at his AP’s place. Why would you want those things to taint your home and safe space. He needs to do massive work on his brokenness that allowed him to cheat on his partner. He is arrogant to think he can just go back to normal.

You deserve a faithful and loving partner. Always value yourself. Good luck.

My therapist once told me "Don’t should on yourself". The question you ask is for no one to answer, but yourself. A good therapist can help you decipher your feelings and choose a path forward that’s best for you. Any advice here will be biased by another’s circumstances and emotional make up.

I’m so sorry your H is not doing everything possible to help you heal. Knowing he continued the affair for 7 more months is awful and just not the right thing to do.

The fact he thinks he can suddenly just become your H again b/c HE wants to is ludicrous.

I have a saying that I believe is true. IMO it’s not the affair that kills the marriage, it’s the cheater’s behavior after the affair comes to light that kills the marriage.

If you truly don’t love him enough (anymore), then you need a plan to D him. When you are ready you tell him that this marriage no longer works and it’s best to D. It’s no one’s fault but you recognize it’s time to move on.

I hope this helps you.

I so wish I could say things which were positive.
Lots of couples manage to reconcile.
Sadly, I am cynical and don’t trust people much. I used to, but when I found out my H had multiple partners over 28 years, I stopped trusting.
I actually had suspicions early on but ignored my gut.
Married 40+ years - I wish I had left 38 years ago, or 14 years ago - dday. I chose to stay. I doubt my decision. He longer cheats but it’s not enough.
HUGS

I had wanted him to end his relationship when I discovered it but he kept refusing saying he needed time and that it wasn't easy.

This tells you every thing you need to know.

Now the cynical part of me says to throw those words back in his face "WH - I just need time and this isn't easy." Satisfying but not very helpful in the long run.

Just because he finally pulled his head out of his ass [or most likely LTAP dumped him when he wouldn't leave you] doesn't mean you kill the fatted calf and roll out the red carpet for his to do his lame ass attempt at the Walk of Shame in style.

You are well within your right to start divorce proceedings. At the very least you should see what that would look like for you. Talk to an attorney or three.