I’m always grateful for those that take the time to read and respond. It’s enlightening to get to read thoughts and opinions of those who have been around a while.
I understand (my WH understands) that our M didn’t cheat, he did and he does take full accountability for his choices. Over the course of these several months I’ve told my WH time and time again that he could have asked me for a S or D … literally ANY other choice would have been better than cheating. Ironically enough he says he never wanted to ask me to S or get a D because that’s not what he wanted … all he ever wanted was for our M to work. Okay? Hmmmm? How was cheating on me going to make our M better … idiot.
Anyways … I understand all the analogies that can be used to explain why cheating is fully on the cheater (I’m not disagreeing with any of them, I really do get it). From reading all of the responses I resonate quite heavily with a few.
Tobster - when I read your response it strikes a chord with me. While I think I am generally a good person all around, I know I had become a toxic partner in the years leading up to the A. Even though I think he deserved every ounce of my shittiness, I know I handled so many things wrong and very immaturely. I finally reached the point where I completely and deliberately shut off and turned against him in every way I could … from my stance, it was easier to do this then actually have those hard conversations. After Dday, we discussed heavily how we both thought that things between us would eventually sort itself out, but they only got worse. Every situation of infidelity differs and everyone is entitled to their own feelings and views. I guess for my situation I’m trying to understand the role of a loveless/toxic/resentful M because I believe it did play a part in how our M and my WH became vulnerable to an A. We are definitely still working through the infidelity piece and discovering some of his character deficiencies that lead him to making the choice he did. It’s a lot to try to unpack and understand. Sometimes I feel like I’m just spinning on a hamster wheel.
Webbit - everything you said in your response I could have wrote … I understand this POV immensely. I was a wonderful, happy, loving mother/daughter/sister/niece/friend … but I was a cold hearted, loveless, resentful W. I felt that my WH was a lazy, entitled asshat when it came to household tasks and parental responsibilities. For (at least) 2 years prior to the A, I was asking myself "how would I know if I reach a breaking point in my M," then it finally hit me last summer … I KNEW I had enough, nothing was ever going to change and it was getting ridiculously toxic for me, him and our children. I started shopping around at D lawyers, researching housing for me and my kids, I even started writing in a journal about my feelings and to see on paper just how unhappy I was it was such an unfortunate reality. I wouldn’t even of given us the title as roommates … we were just 2 people living together … he was a paycheck to me, I was a housekeeper and nanny to him (we were completely shut off and disconnected from one another). I started sleeping in a different room, I spent any free time away from him and excluded him from every aspect of my life because I hated him … yep, I hated who he had become, but I hated who I had become as well. Fast forward … I finally ended up confronting him about how I was feeling, I was so vulnerable with him and told him we couldn’t continue on like this. I told him that we owed it to us and our children to turn it around and we needed to be better to each other. Additionally, I told myself that I would give "us" one last try and if by the new year I saw no changes or effort by him then I would walk away and be content and confident in that decision. Boom less than 72 hours later I now have a Dday! I looked him dead in the eye on that fateful night and I quote … "You’re really not worth fighting for, whoever she is, she can have you. Now get the fuck outta my house." I kicked him out. I had him retrieve all of his belongings off the front lawn the next day after work. He left for the weekend and stayed in a hotel nearby that his parents paid for. As he sat alone in the hotel room with only his thoughts he had some sort of epiphany and knew that if he wanted even the slightest chance he needed to change. One of the things he always thought was if he worked hard and provided financially for his family then his "job was complete" … he saw running and taking care of the household and raising the kids as "my job." Well … he finally sees the significance of being present at home … not only do we have time to spend together in the evenings now that he does his part, his kids have formed a bond with him and want to spend time with him (imagine that). I also am of the mindset that it’s not only sad, but extremely pathetic that my WH had to sink this low to realize he needed to be better … how does one even accept this form of realization?!
H/O - exactly this … our relationship was "deteriorating" for a very long time prior to the A. When I say our M was toxic, it was the most loneliest, most awful place in the world. I’ve always had a great support system in my family/friends and my children have become a very big comfort for me. He has nobody … not much for family, zero friends and he didn’t have much of a relationship with his children (he viewed himself as a loner). Anyway … not that any of this makes it any less severe or hurt less … but I truly think (at least in my personal situation) it did play a role in our M becoming vulnerable.
Breaking Bad - I agree with your comment and very much appreciate your thoughtful and straightforward answer to my question. The A has definitely proved that my WH has extremely poor/negative coping skills - prior to entering in his A (and actually during) he engaged in a pretty heavy porn addiction for about a year. He also was extremely self centred and only cared about himself (in certain ways, I think he felt extremely entitled to his choices).