My heart hurts reading this, Howcthappen. And at only 5 years-old? What a devastating event--followed by the loss of both parents from your life. I am so, so sorry. You seem to have been quite the intelligent and mature child to have understood and processed what was happening, even calling your grandmother about making it right and punishing her son. Wow! Just wow. It's like you grew up in that instant.
I am assuming your WH knew all of this, or did you kind of block out the details? It's not that cheaters are thinking about their BS because they literally never are, but how the hell could he not remember or realize that you had already suffered enough loss and betrayal (at least, that's the way you experienced it then) to last a lifetime???? Why the f@ck would he pile more onto you? But I know he wasn't thinking about that because cheaters minimize and justify what they are doing. It's how they give themselves permission to get their ego fix. But still!!!
Howcthappen, I spent years working on the fallout of my own FOO in IC. Essentially we had to talk about the hurtful memories and events, but then we had to address the thoughts and messages I had been feeding myself about those events. They were all toxic and hurtful to myself, of course. The "truths" I had come to accept about people not caring about me, about me being unlovable and less than, had to be unlearned. When I still felt triggered by my mom's nasty comments or triggered by my WH acting like my selfish mom, I had to process some of my most hurtful memories with EMDR. And those sessions seemed to finally soothe my hurts. I am like teflon now, just repelling what I do not believe or accept from the people in my life. I decide how I feel and who I am!
You have really, REALLY uncovered your underlying...well, everything--your hurt, betrayal, anger, desire for justice and punishment. Yes, what your H did is recent and acute, but it has also dug up all the old stuff. Now you have twice as much to talk about and dissect. If you do not want to immediately get into IC to start unpacking not only what happened but how you have been talking to yourself about what happened, you could try the book Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. It's phenomenal, and every chapter has an exercise that helps heal. I did the exercises and found many of them useful. But like Hikingout said, a good IC is really going to help guide you out of this hurt.
When my IC first, even before I met my H, started talking to me about my childhood, I did not see what there was to talk about. I made a lot of assumptions about family and myself, so it didn't seem there were any untruths or hurts to get at. We were a normal family. I was a problem child. So sad, too bad, but everyone has issues like that. Maybe so, but what I didn't realize is that I had convinced myself of things that were a matter of perception, not truth. Sure, there are facts in life. But much of our emotional health is based on the way we perceive life, the meaning we derive from the things that happen. I had not realized the way my own thinking was my true enemy, far more than my mother or WH could have ever been. But that took an IC's guidance and support. She had to point out my faulty, hurtful thinking which often escaped my notice. Suddenly what had been perceived as a normal childhood with me as its toxic star became a difficult childhood with a damaged mother and codependent father who allowed her to do and say whatever. Once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it. I had to deal with it if I wanted to be free.
It's odd that I feel so badly for you and so happy for you at the same time. I hate to see that you have been so good at keeping this from yourself, and now it's back and making you ill. I hate that you have to relive this awful trauma. BUT, omg, you get to re-evaluate this with fresh, adult eyes. You get to give your 5 year-old self the hugs and cuddles and affirmations and safety that she did not get back then because she was locked away for her own safety. The Big You WILL heal the Little You the right way this time. It feels so good! As stupid as the concept sounds, it feels really nice inside. (Big You, Little You is this corny but effective way of reaching back in time to give ourselves what we needed back then. You can look up the different ways to do it, but it's a method for healing childhood wounds and it freaking works!)
That's the part that makes me so happy for you, the part that knows the peace you will feel when you do this work.
When I first read your posts today, I started crying. I hate that such a young girl had to go through this. Then I remembered telling my IC, "But I'm afraid to get into all this." She asked why. I said, "I'm afraid I'll never stop crying or being sad." She said, "Nobody ever cried themselves to death. You WILL stop crying when the pain is all out." And I did stop. And the sun came out again.
You will stop crying, Howcthappen. You will get all the pain out, the old pain and the new pain with your WH. And you will feel lighter and happier than ever. And the sun will shine again.
Wishing you so much healing.
Sending many hugs.
((((((Howcthappen))))))
[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:46 PM, Wednesday, June 5th]