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How do you deal with the anger? How do you fight the urge to go find the guy(AP) and handle things school yard style?

Brief explanation; recently (3 weeks ago) found out my wife had an affair(6 months ago). We’re working to reconcile and are doing fairly well imo. Let me start by saying I’m not going to do anything crazy. Thats said; how do YOU hold back the urge to go find the guy and remind him why you don’t sleep with married women!? I’m talking a nice long conversation with fists where things get broken and he has to take time to heal now too.

I know my reasons and why I won’t (felonies, career endangerment, litigation, etc) but damnit! Maybe it is pride talking but to take this and do NOTHING just feels wrong! I want to destroy his world like he destroyed mine! But… I have kids and pets and can’t take care of either one from jail so I hold back…

How do you deal with it?!?

You deal with it by realizing he didn't do anything that your wife didn't invite.

It's ok to be mad at him. It's normal.

You're 3 weeks out,and doing good? What work is she doing to become a safe partner?

It sounds like you're projecting your anger into the wrong person. She did this. You should be mad at her. Obviously I'm not suggesting you beat her up. But she needs to hear how you're feeling.

It's unusual to be 3 weeks out,and doing well. Be careful you don't rugsweep. You have said that you rugswept your own affairs. No healing was done. Don't make that mistake again.

I withdraw my statement. You're a MH so righteous indignation isn't really a fair look for you.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 2:48 AM, Tuesday, March 26th]

I've read enough on here about those who did NOT hold back...and being physical only added another layer to the pile of CRAP that this whole mess brings. That in itself is enough to temper any feelings. It just isn't worth it.

Have you considered getting away from the home for a few days to process her betrayal? You probably need to cool down a bit and getting away may be best for everyone.

I never blamed his AP for the affair but I did think she was a pretty shit human for sending naked pictures to a married man with children.

I wrote her a message that just told her how much it hurt me and that I hoped she never had to feel such pain from another woman. I told her women were meant to build each other up not help tear them down.

I don’t know if she ever read it as she never replied (gutless I’d say) but I made my peace with her by doing that.

I withdraw my statement. You're a MH so righteous indignation isn't really a fair look for you.

Respectfully, I don’t believe his comment does anything to help the OP and it is disrespectful to a betrayed spouse who is in pain. MH or not, the OP is a BS and just because some BS are also MH, doesn’t mean they are any less worthy of our support and guidance.

I was the first WS in my marriage, but when I found out about my wife’a affair, I too wanted to pummel the bastard into a bloody pulp.

Personally, i think about prison.

I hold back because i dont want to go to prison

Bor,

It's not that I don't support MHs. It's that the vow I went on about, in my opinion has already been broken. So getting up in arms over a broken vow of the person that stabbed you in the back isn't as helpful. I think healing from a MH situation is wildly different from healing from a situation where WS and BS are clear roles. Yes, OP should be mad at wife rather than AP, but my advice was based on people with intact vows.

I want to destroy his world like he destroyed mine!

By recognizing that it isn't him destroying your world, it is her.

He may be a willing participant, but he's nothing more than a random willing participant. But I seriously doubt that he's actually thinking about you, or was ever thinking about you. It's not his responsibility to think about you. To be quite blunt, to him, you're just some largely anonymous spouse, whose wife is willing to cheat on them.

I've met some of those women, I just wasn't willing to get involved. I've had male colleagues, as well as a brother turn their family lives into just absolute hell. To be honest, none of them were actually that "evil".

My wife was absolutely no different. In fact, when my wife broke it off with her affair partner, he started crying. He'd been cheating on his wife with her, and she wasn't the first. He was trying to convince her to "run away" with him. I will never know for sure, but it really sounds like he was living in some kind of fantasy land. So I don't demonize him. I've often thought "so where did he think they were going to run off to, were they going to take the six children from both families with them, what were they going to leave for me and the other betrayed spouse?"

This is a whole heap of shit to deal with. For those of us who have been betrayed, sometimes all we can really do is avoid adding more shit to the pile of shit we have to deal with.

Also, recognize that you don't have anything to do with your wife cheating. That is all on her. You've probably heard that before, you probably read that on here before, and it is actually true. Neither you, nor the affair partner, have anything to do with your wife cheating. It's really hard to understand that. It was really hard for me to understand that. It's still really hard for me, 20 some years later, to really hold on to that idea. I mean, it seems like there should've really been something really fucking awful incredible about the other partner to make it worth destroying your family, breaking up your children's home, putting everyone in jeopardy. It is so hard to understand, that it wasn't something incredible, but just something tawdry, pathetic, and self destructive.

I withdraw my statement. You're a MH so righteous indignation isn't really a fair look for you.

Sure, but nothing is 'fair'. It makes perfect sense to me for an WS to fined they've been betrayed and get just as angry, sad, scared, and ashamed as any other BS. That's just one of the patterns of human behavior.

AHS, I think you'd benefit from working with a good IC. The realtime back and forth is something we just can't provide, and realtime back and forth really helps with processing feelings.

The biggest deterrent to seeking revenge was my ego.

I could not let the AP think I gave one shit about her. I did of course, but I was loathe to show that kind of vulnerability.

Seeking revenge lets the other person know that they "got you" and that they matter to you in some sick way. My stomach lurches even now just thinking about sending that message to an AP.

Yeah, my ego saved me there.

Recognize that 1) it really won't help much if at all, 2) it can affect you for the rest of your life (criminal record ...), and 3) she is at least as guilty as him.

On a different note, kudos to you for dealing with this well in the first 3 weeks. Did you really just find out 3 weeks ago, or were your suspicious all along so it is not really a surprise?

Good luck bro and take care!

[This message edited by techie49 at 4:04 PM, Tuesday, March 26th]

AHSQU1RR3L,

I meditate, use breathing techniques and sit with the facts of what I know. Knowing and recognising that if I did move to violence that would hurt my children & my fWW, particularly if I ended up in jail, totally career ending, not the answer and who knows where the limit to my violence would be, even I don't know, and that scares me.

I find getting on my treadmill and running helps, and whilst running I place myself in the fAP's situation and pity him for the loser he is, who cannot honour his own marriage that he thought it ok to damage mine.

The satisfaction I get is that he "stirred my porridge" and that's the best his life is ever going to get, feeding his ego, no self control, undisciplined, broken and remains a loser. He can't get another job elsewhere as he's unprofessional and weak.

I recognise I am responsible for my happiness, not him, any physical damage I could inflict is nothing compared to his own internal torture of being unable to escape himself and his lack of character & morals. That's how I handle it and not descend into schoolyard fists.

I also find gathering knowledge & understanding on the how and why, the process and even good marriages are at risk of infidelity. Applying the logic to the mayhem helps me understand and become less angry.

Be well, I hope you find your outlet
Salty

The internal feelings might be the same but a MH wearing righteous indignation of their vows being broken with their anger related to a tit-for-tat reeks of hypocrisy.

OP should still direct his anger towards his wife, but not with the "you stabbed me in the back and the AP was just the knife" type of thinking I had originally proposed.

I don't think RAs are justified. I recommend no BS take that route. There is nothing to be gained from the RA, and it will make the already pretty bad M worse. But from an ideological standpoint this is the second breach of an already breached contract. It simply doesn't have the same destruction of something sacred as the first breach.

Righteous indignation is not really possible in this case. It more like an extreme personal insult.

I agree with TIS.

Of course madhatters are allowed their pain, regardless of who betrayed first.

But to expect one ws to "do all the right things," when they admit they did not do those things, and they rugswept their own affairs(which also means their bs was forced to do the same if they stayed married), is a bit much.

How can you expect your wife to do the work to become a safe partner, when you never did?

There's a lot more to no longer being wayward, than simply not cheating again.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:06 PM, Tuesday, March 26th]

Well you can do all the non-physical things You can.

Like expose the OM on Facebook, at work, to his parents, siblings relatives, especially grandparents, church etc.

Do it all at once without threats or warnings.

Have a PI investigate other affairs he had or is having dime him out.

I understand I still have brutal ideas about OM1 30 years later

It's friggin' hard when the AP is single. There's no one to TELL. They don't get in trouble.

I took the "ignore/I'm a better person than you/kill the bitch with kindness" route. I wanted her to feel cast aside, inconsequential. And really, she is. Like others have pointed out, the WS opened the door and invited the AP in, like a damn vampire, and if not her, it would have been someone else. That said, I don't buy into the schtick that anger towards the AP is misplaced. If they knew the WS was married, they knowingly took action that hurt us and they can fuck right off.

After AP threw a fit when I came to their workplace and took my H to lunch (she emailed him and said we were MEAN for doing that ) I sent her an email thanking her for her part in our awakening. I don't really feel thankful for her, I was being southern-petty AF - I wanted her to feel small and ridiculous. I hope she did. She never responded and has never once said a word to me. Big chicken.

Hundreds of times, I imagined her getting mowed down by a semi. I imagined striding into her office, grabbing her hair, and slamming her face into her desk. I imagined "accidentally" running into her now-H at the company party and asking if he knew who I was, and that he should take a look at her Pinterest. I still imagine what I would do if I ran into her somewhere. It's satisfying to think about swinging on her, like when J-Woww backhanded The Situation.

Hundreds of times, I imagined her getting mowed down by a semi.

For me it was a bus.

For me it was a bus.

They worked at a semi dealership. I imagined her stepping out the side door and getting flattened by a customer. I'm not picky, though - any large vehicle will do.