SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Brief information, my spouse (F41) and I (M41) have started dating in 2001, got married in 07. First child not much after, total of three now.
In 2017 I found some texts that were calling a coworker lover boy and saying she needed him, wanted him now.. there was only a few messages that I saw (I sure hate having to dig through the spouses phone but my gut wasn’t letting go) she had deleted all the 100’s of messages and no telling what kind of pictures were sent. I found out, she said nothing physically happened just liked the attention. I told her it’s still an affair even if it wasn’t physical. I told her she needed to end it. I always felt like there was a lot more too it..

In January 2021 after asking what’s wrong as she was very depressed, visibly something going on, she told me that she was no longer in love with me not actually knowing what was going behind the scenes. After talking with my parents they asked about a separation because my aunt and uncle had done that 40+ years ago and there still together. Anyways, I brought it up and she was open to it, she packed up that weekend and moved over to her parents place. I scheduled a marriage counseling session for us, we both attended and that’s when she said couldn’t promise to be faithful. For some reason I ended up talking to one of her friends and she had said she has been intimate with this other fellow for a few months now, she told me because she didn’t like the guy and thought my spouse was ‘throwing her life away’

Without throwing her friend under the bus I confronted my spouse and all I got was ‘we kissed’ I guess I’m just a whore then huh she stated. Still makes me sick to my stomach thinking that she was sleeping with another man and still being intimate with me. I filed for divorce on the 27th of February. She had finally told me she was living with him around the beginning of April. Divorce went smoothly, I got custody of our children. She found a counselor and started going once a week starting in April, Mid May she moved back to her parents and told me it was her biggest regret and she wish she could fix it. I believe in late June a coworker asked her out on a date that she said yes to even though my ex-spouse have been talking a lot (I didn’t know anything about the possible date or the situation she had with her coworker) She finally did open up and told me (at least I think so) what happened in 2017 and I was right, it was physical.

So.. in the beginning of July her ex boyfriend asked her to come over to talk, she left my house after talking to me for a few hours, she said she was going to come back over afterwards as I’m on the way home. She didn’t come over at the the stated time she said she would be back, I gave her a call an she was on her way home, she sounded distraught. she turned around and came over, when she got out of her car she stated: he f$#ked me in the tone of voice suggesting she was raped. I told her she needed to go to law enforcement or I would be going to his place to deal with it. Law enforcement didn’t do anything other then a no contact order, seemed odd as I thought they would do a ‘rape kit’ and do more.

Anyways we did end up getting back together (divorce was final and done) as she was really doing good with her counseling, it’s been dang rough for me that’s for sure, I love her completely and also would be afraid of what kind of relationships she would end up in and putting my kids into possible bad situations.

I had laid out some rules for our second go around. I asked her to not be Face book friends with male coworkers, don’t exchange phone numbers unless absolutely needed for the job. I also requested her remove Snapchat.
Well she has one male coworker friend that I know of, has exchanged phone numbers with 2-3 male coworkers and still has that damn Snapchat.

Last year she had a job that she liked, and then also told me something very odd and out of the blue. Stating her male coworker is a gym buff and wears tight shirts, she said she was disgusted. A few weeks by and she quit that job and also started drinking a lot, as in trying to drown out something I would say. A few months later she ended drinking a lot and was texting the guy that asked her out back when we were getting divorced, hours of texting while I was at work. She ignored my phone calls. She also then deleted all the messages.

And then a few months back we were lying in bed and I swear I had smelled that condom smell and she was also drinking a lot again.. I did end up asking one of her friends if she was doing ok, her friend told her and she blew up, seems like guilt to me.

I just don’t know if I’m completely stupid or super sensitive/insecure?

Sorry for the long post and if it’s not very clear, it’s a lot!

I just don’t know if I’m completely stupid or super sensitive/insecure?

I think your intuition is accurate.

It sure sounds like she is who she is, and who she is isn’t a safe partner for you. Neither open nor honest. Not now, and unless she makes some big life changes, not ever.

Best of luck, friend. Trust your upintuition.

Sorry, OP.

She has more problems than an Algebra Book. Only she can solve them.

one male coworker friend that I know of, has exchanged phone numbers with 2-3 male coworkers and still has that damn Snapchat

She's not trustworthy.

You already know that. The only question you have to answer is whether you will continue to put up with it.

also would be afraid of what kind of relationships she would end up in and putting my kids into possible bad situations

She can do that whether you are married or not. She is already doing this to your children. Her behavior is pretty blatant. If they were her priority, she wouldn't be doing this.

You can't rescue, save or fix her. You can rescue yourself and hopefully your children. You are a good person who deserves someone who is faithful and loving to you.

DoofusMcDoofus posted:

Sorry, OP.

She has more problems than an Algebra Book. Only she can solve them.

first thing after the above I thought of? ELO: "Don't Bring Me Down"

Not clear on age of offspring - but loose calculation says they are well old-enough to grasp infidelity.

Best you put a few hectares between you and ex for the sake of keeping some level of respect as a decent person.

Your kids will learn from your actions. They are old enough to deal with their relationship with their mother.
Maybe you can offer assistance in counseling if they get into a confused struggle with the situation.

Consider looking up "Stockholm syndrome" and a book: "Cheating in a Nutshell" - may help you along in life.

Hi, welcome to SI.

Gently, your wife has shown you repeatedly who she is, please believe her and protect your children. Not only has she had several affairs, she is now drinking which could have a serious negative impact on your children. You set boundaries for your new relationship, she broke them.

You love the person you think she is, she is not that person.

Honestly, I don't think you really have anything to work with for a loving, stable, faithful relationship. You deserve better.

10yeartoast,

Welcome to the forum.

As with others here, my words come from a place of wishing well for your family.

Before addressing your ex-wife, have you considered therapy for yourself?

Your wife has more red flags than a North Korean military parade. She is clearly unwell to the point of being a danger to herself, let alone toyou and your three children. Your primary responsibility is towards your kids, not your xWW. By allowing her to waltz in and out of your lives without any change in her reckless behavior or mitigation of her mental health issues, you are not doing right by your children.

For goodness’ sake, you already divorced her. Just let her go and focus on yourself and the children.

[This message edited by Ragn3rK1n at 1:27 PM, Tuesday, March 26th]

Sounds like your wife is addicted to chaos. It also sounds like she has learned nothing at all from her journey. She is not remorseful over what she has put you through, and is still as self involved as ever. Granted, I can see this is a struggle between her and her demons- using drinking and men to escape them. But as long as you stay near her you will be collateral damage in that war. You need to get away from her.

The only love that should be unconditional is with your children. I think you need to go to IC as it sounds like you have some codependency surrounding her chaos. None of this is healthy for you or the kids.

I’m sorry you have had to find us, you are among a group that understands. You have already divorced her, you tried to make another go of it and she blew it. Stay D and go NC unless it is kid related.

You are getting absolutely steamrolled by your WW (WGF?).

You seem to be pretty deep down fool me twice territory.

For the love of all that’s good please drop this toxic woman and go NC save for the kids (use a parenting app).

Oh wow, lots of responses! I guess I always look at the good in people, but yes.. there are demons there that I would say are in control. Not sure if this information is of any significance but when got back together we were both drinking whiskey for awhile, I stopped a few months in, she continued.
We had a talk last night as I wanted to bring up the issues (phone numbers and coworkers, Facebook friends and the Snapchat) she said she forgot or didn’t realize that’s what we agreed upon going the second round in.

So just to add more fuel to the fire.. I had noticed a nicotine vape cartridge in her car, benefit of doubt I assumed it was her friends as I know her friend uses them. Well I kept checking daily and found 5 different ones over the time span! Bow this is something we have got into a big fight over before, she knows my feelings on smoking/vaping. She used to smoke when we first got together and I flat out started if she wanted to be in a relationship with me she would have to quit. She did as far as I know. So during our talk she confessed to vaping and also she let my 15 YO son drink a can of alcohol!!! Just keeps getting better huh? She said she started vaping because of the stress at work, not sure how long she has been vaping for.

Yep, what a mess. All I wanted is my kids to grow up in a non-broken household as it seems all of my kids friends parents are divorced. Oh she did not confess to anything other then vaping and letting my son drink.

Thanks everyone for your responses. It’s hard to hear but I knew that and that’s why I postponed starting a thread.

I'm sorry you are here. I also truly, 100% believe, that you know what you need to do. And you will do it eventually - you just need to have that heart-to-heart with YOURSELF and decide when and how. At bare minimum get whatever you need in order so you can be on your own when/if you decide to end it once and for all.

I am dating my now ex-WH but things are much different than you describe. You have all the strength you need - trust in YOU.