SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I figured out my live-in partner of 3 years has been cheating, probably for some time. I left an AirTag in his truck and saw that he was at an ex-girlfreinds house 2 months ago so a couple of days later I checked his MacBook for messages and took screenshots of the sexting. I have been trying to catch him at her house for 2 months now with no luck - AirTags are NOT reliable. None of the contacts in his iphone have names - only numbers, he plays 'games' on his phone a lot, and now he has multi-factor authentication on his laptops - SUPER Secretive/Suspicious. I can either put a tracker on his truck or somehow get a hold of his iphone and install spyware. I am pretty sure there might be 1 or 2 more women so I want to see the full extent and length of his infidelity. I confronted him 8 months ago about suspicious activity and he gaslighted me so I have to have solid proof! I thought we were great and we have sex at least 2x a week but I realize he is a narcissist and needs the attention or the rush... I don't know :( ...any advice?

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. Also, there are some posts with bull's eye icons that have some good information. The Healing Library is a great resource and contains the list of acronyms that we use.

Why do you have to have solid proof? You've already caught him in an A (affair), so you probably have enough to confront. Is this a situation where hiring a PI would get some of the information you need? Also, a VAR (voice activated recorder) placed in his truck may capture some evidence.

If you know he's been unfaithful, please get tested for STDs/STIs. There are some pretty nasty diseases that he can pass along to you. He has put your health at risk of not just an STD/STI but cancer.

If he has a personality disorder, are you sure you want to stay in the relationship? He's already failed the monogamy part. Do you want to stay and endure the mental abuse that people with antisocial personalities dish out? It is so damaging to you.

Weekends are slow, so others will be along eventually to help you.

Welcome to SI. Very sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. Please read in the healing library, lots of good information there. Do get checked for STD’s. You are not married, but do see an attorney if you have any financial entanglements to sort. Take care of you, eat healthy, get good sleep.

Look, my advice is to always value yourself. You deserve a partner who is faithful. This is not a court of law. You do not need solid proof. You have enough to break up with him. You know he is sexting other women. You do not want to live constantly in doubt and having to catch him being unfaithful to you. That is no way to live. Cheaters do tend to lie, minimize, and gaslight when confronted. If it were me you have enough to leave. If he wants you to stay he has to be totally transparent. Knock off the super secret crap. Let him convince you he is worthy of you. Enough is enough.

Hi there. What you have is pretty much air tight.

You have every right to end the relationship and not look back. You do not owe him any proof or have to listen to his lies/excuses.

Get your ducks in a row and move on with your life. He obviously doesn't value you.

Agree with all others - get tested for STDs and make sure you go for all the follow up testings.

In other words - RUN. Do not walk. Do not look back. Make this a clean break.

You already have all the proof you need. He’s sexting an ex and was at her house in secret. It wasn’t to just talk. He could be sleeping with a 100 women, and I agree it’s very likely he at least another side piece. What do you expect to happen if you were somehow to get all the proof? He will change his heart and suddenly be a decent partner? Naw. You want to send him the loudest message? Just leave. Pack your bags, block him, and just go. The sound of silence is deafening.

There no point in catching him at her house, all that is going to do is make drama. Lots of lies and "it’s not what it looks like" followed by begging for a second chance all the while telling ex he loves her and just needs to let this blow over. It’s a story played out a hundred times.

You’re not married, no kids mentioned, you can make a clean break.

If you need complete proof because of some legal/property issue, hire a PI.

Sorry to have to welcome you to this group. That said, you know what he’s doing even if you don’t ‘know’. If he won’t come clean and is still acting shady, it’s because he’s not ready to stop. I know it’s of little reassurance but at least it sounds like you’re not married. That makes separation easier. Obviously that’s not what you have to do but from what you said, the alternative is to continue trying while he continues his shady behavior.

Don’t put yourself through that. Best of luck to you.

I love the advice on SI. It comes from caring people. Every poster has something important for you to think about.

There are several things you need to consider. One is to see a dr for temp meds if anxiety is keeping you from eating healthy foods, sleeping enough, staying stuck. Stress this intense does a number your body so look for a therapist who deals in trauma so that you can make good decisions for yourself.

Lastly, do you think you will ever trust your SO again? Do you think you can find joy and contentment staying in the relationship?

Stay with SI. There are good folks on here.

@naturegirl67 You can install a VAR (voice activated recorder) in the car. We men tend to be very chatty so if he's setting something up on the side, you're likely to catch him there. Also, try to get a GPS tag on the car (not an AirTag). I used to use LugLoc for my luggage and it works fine. I think it's $4.95 per month or something like that.

Once you catch him, let him have it please. You'll be doing the next lady a favor.

One thing to keep in mind is that you don’t have to convince him that he’s cheating.
The only person that needs convincing is YOU.
Is sexting infidelity to you? If it is (and IMHO it should be) then you already know.

What is it you expect from a confrontation? It’s extremely rare that by showing a cheating spouse a recording of them entering or leaving their lovers apartment they all of a sudden understand it’s all wrong and they quit. Your BF already KNOWS he’s cheating. He KNOWS he’s two-timing you. All letting him know that you know will do is… well… nothing.

It’s only when you are ready to walk away that things might change. But even then… it’s a long-term thing to reconcile a relationship from infidelity. If its "only" three years, no marriage, limited financial entwinement and hopefully no kids… chances are you are a lot better off ending this relationship.

so I have to have solid proof!

Why?

You already know he's been at his ex's house. You have screenshots of his sexting (which is cheating). You know he gaslit you. He's locked his phone down to make sure you can get anymore screenshots.

You have proof.

You don't have to show him proof. He knows he's cheating.

If you have to have the kind of proof that entails catching him basically in bed with her, then he's not R material. He will just hide his cheating better next time.

He's not marriage material. Run.

3 years? Not married? Proof of cheating (you have it)? Gaslighting? Zero transparency?

These boots are made for walking....

(I know it's painful and hard. But he does not sound like marriage material at all. He doesn't even sound like friend material. Believe me when I say, the longer you invest in this man, the more it will hurt you in the end. Could he change? Sure. But you've not written a thing that implies he gives a damn about that.)

Yes I am ending this. He is a narcissistic manipulator. Any advice on navigating the following issues?

- we own a business together but I have majority ownership
- we live in MY house so He has to leave

We have never put ourselves out there as 'married' but cohabitation in TX equates to common law marriage unfortunately (I consulted an attorney). Part of the reason I wanted to catch him in the act was to have pictures, etc. as leverage if he tries to claim half of the house, etc.

If the house was yours before he moved in,and it's in your name only, and you are not married, he has zero claim to any of it.

Get an attorney to navigate the business.

Keep your cards close. Don't share any info with him at all. He will use it against you.

- we own a business together but I have majority ownership
- we live in MY house so He has to leave

You will actually need a lawyer to do this, he will need his lawyer, you will need your lawyer.

Depending on the value of the business, it could be quite expensive, but there's no other way to do it.

However, just to modify the advice you had previously received "RUN...with legal advice".