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General :
I needed to believe….

Topic is Sleeping.
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 1:56 AM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

Denial, it’s some powerful shit. My brain is catching up with reality with the speed of a movie buffering from the internet of the 90’s AOL (if you know, you know).

I needed to believe she didn’t mean to, but she did.

I needed to believe that she was tricked, but she wasn’t.

I needed to believe that our life was salvageable, but it isn’t.

I needed to believe that the abuse post D-day was temporary and excusable, but it’s not.

I needed to believe that I need her, but I don’t.

I needed to believe. I don’t tonight.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2432   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8827428
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:17 AM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

You need to believe you will be ok. Because you will be.

You need to believe you will be happy again. Because you will be.

You need to believe you will have peace. Because you will.

You need to believe you will find love again. Because you will.

You need to believe that your kids will be ok. Because, with a dad like you,how could they not be.

You need believe you did everything within your power to save this. Because you did.

You need to believe this is not your failure. It's hers.

You need to believe in IH. Because we all do.

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6812   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8827430
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 2:23 AM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

You are the worst hard ass of all time, you know that, right?

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2432   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8827433
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:31 AM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

Don't tell anyone. laugh

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6812   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8827434
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 2:47 AM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

All joking aside, that really touched me, HF. Took me about 1 min of ugly crying to clear my eyes to read past the first line. That was incredible. Thank you.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2432   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8827436
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 3:27 AM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

If you're done you're done. If you change your mind again that's ok too. I'm like a champion waffler myself.

But yes you have to deal with reality. Anything else is the detain and torture option.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 3:40 AM, Wednesday, March 6th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2811   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8827440
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 3:43 AM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

What HellFire said already, InkHulk.

posts: 1021   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8827441
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 4:12 AM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

InkHulk, you were buying a ticket on the Amtrak Acela train to R. But somehow, you ended up with a passenger billet on a freight train to everywhere in between.

As a fall-back option, you were then considering even buying a Trailways Bus ticket out of Chicago to somewhere downstate, until you notice it's an freakin' 11 hour trip to get just 300 miles! (Real life example.)

You have to chart the best itinerary for you, because you have learned that lots of "carriers" will have unacceptable conditions to get you "there.".

posts: 2202   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8827444
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:15 AM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

IH, I now have the modem dial-up sound stuck in my head.

There are so many of your points that I felt, too. HF is 1000% spot on. Perfect response.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3904   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8827455
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 2:53 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

If you're done you're done.

For the moment, I needed an outlet for some pain and angst coming up. Then HF went and hit Double Jeopardy and I’ve gotten my quota of tears out for now.

If you change your mind again that's ok too. I'm like a champion waffler myself.

🏆🧇

But yes you have to deal with reality. Anything else is the detain and torture option.

That is my picture of hell on earth, to be avoided at all costs.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2432   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8827472
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 2:55 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

You have to chart the best itinerary for you, because you have learned that lots of "carriers" will have unacceptable conditions to get you "there.".

Thanks for the allegory, friend smile

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2432   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8827473
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 2:56 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

IH, I now have the modem dial-up sound stuck in my head.

Glad to know I’m making a difference around here laugh

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2432   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8827474
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 2:57 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

HF said it perfectly.

You're a bad ass, IH.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1544   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8827475
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OnTheOtherSideOfHell ( member #82983) posted at 3:20 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

I can’t count how many times I waffled back and forth between R and D the first 3 years. 😢 it may have been the hardest part of recovery. I so desperately wanted a crystal ball. I often thought I was mentally damaged beyond repair. I was terrible at hiding it and my adult kids (still at home at the time) feared mom would "never be back". Yet, here I am. Happy and basically my old self. Yes, got a few new scars and some hard learned knowledge about realities in life, but I’m still standing. You will be too.

posts: 234   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2023   ·   location: SW USA
id 8827479
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Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 3:45 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

IH, you are a good man. That is so evident from reading words on a screen from half way around the world from me. We are brothers due to shared pain. I want that pain to be released from you. I have to say I read HF post with watery eyes. So many times we can see our fellow posters kind of one dimensional. HF showed a depth to herself I will appreciate from now on. IH, please find a way out of this torment.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8827486
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 4:12 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

Look at the two "I believe" posts. Yours involved believing in someone else. Hellfire's post showed you believing in YOU smile .

THIS is where you can start! What helped ME was to make a list...putting down what I wanted MY life to be. EVERYTHING I wanted...I wrote it down grin !! I then whittled it down...tweaked it a bit...and made it a little more feasible to where I wanted a life for ME smile .

What did I want? I wanted to be in a happy and healthy marriage with a loving and faithful spouse. I told my H that this was what I wanted. If HE wanted this too...GREAT. If not...I would find someone else who would!! My H told me that he wanted this too. So WE set out together to let this be OUR life.

I guarantee you though...that if my H would not have shown he was working to being a loving and faithful spouse to where I was having a happy and healthy marriage...he was NOT going to be the spouse in MY life. Simple as that.

What do YOU want YOUR life to look like? Write it down smile . Put down ANYTHING you can think of!! This can be a FUN exercise!! It was actually quite cathartic for me! Reality can be HARD...but it can also be very FREEING. Knowledge is POWER. Now that you KNOW...you have a power that is quite strong. USE IT to build a future that YOU want grin !!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6668   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8827491
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 5:46 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

What’s going on InkHulk?

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 2115   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8827504
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 8:21 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

HF showed a depth to herself I will appreciate from now on.

Cat’s out of the bag, HF. Looks like you outed yourself. tongue

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2432   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8827536
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 8:27 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

What’s going on InkHulk?

I’m miserable. Maybe I’m sick, maybe EMDR is rocking the boat, maybe my brain is allowing me to comprehend a little more of this dumpster fire, maybe I had a little too much rock opera on Monday. I don’t know, but whatever it is found a pocket of misery just waiting for me to experience. It’s no big new blow up, maybe just a sad realization of how far down the road I am with so little to show for it. So I’m not sure I can answer this better than I’m just miserable today and this is where I turn. Thanks for listening. Thanks for caring.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2432   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8827539
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 8:33 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

Hey InkHulk, I understand that this was NOT how you wanted things to go with your WW. But you also understand that you did all you could (, and probably a lot more than you **should have** done too, but that is not the point). After every point when it appeared your WW had turned a corner, it was the same ol' same ol' again and again. You deserve much better than that, which is what I and a lot of us was trying to say in our posts.

You do need to allow yourself to grieve, but also, be aware that you will be moving on to a much happier future after your d.

posts: 1021   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8827541
Topic is Sleeping.
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