I need to talk about the elephant in the marriage.
Alcohol.
He is drinking. A lot.
I read through many of your posts, and a main theme is that when he drinks, he becomes angry and verbally abusive to you.
I can only speak to my own history, not yours, so I will. Prior to my current marriage, I was in a long term marriage with a man who had similar behaviors. He was a really nice guy, soft-spoken and funny. He would talk about his dreams, we would go on adventures together, and had lots of good times - until he had some alcohol in his system. After a few drinks, his mood would change. For the first few years, he was just "mean" when he was drunk. He would do stupid stuff. He would take me home, then go back out. Turns out he was cheating on me, I had no idea at the time.
Those mean times turned violent later on in the relationship, when he slapped me. I accepted his apology, he said he was "just drunk" and didn’t mean it. Turns out he wanted me out of the way because he had made plans with her, and I wasn’t cooperating with going home. I didn’t know that at the time.
The slapping escalated. He tried to throw me out of a moving car. I actually apologized for making him mad. Yes, I did that. Why? BECAUSE EVERYONE CONVINCED ME IT WAS ALL MY FAULT FOR NOT MEETING HIS NEEDS.
I wasn’t being "understanding".
Sound familiar? That’s what your therapist told you? You’re the one whose moods are up and down? Gee, I wonder why.
Anyway, he kept drinking. And his gaslighting continued. I was the one who MADE HIM DRINK. Yeah, I did that. I was the cause of his alcoholism, because I wasn’t being a good enough girlfriend. I was crazy, I was moody, I cried when he screamed at me. I was accusing him of cheating all the time (even though he actually was cheating, didn’t matter).
I apologized to him after every beating. I even apologized to him the morning after the police put me into a jail cell in protective custody overnight to keep him from killing me - I apologized while my face was cut, both eyes blackened, my throat bore the imprint of his hands, and my groin was black and blue from his boot kicks. Yes, I apologized to him for "having to beat me" and embarrassing him in public.
No, he wasn’t arrested, even then.
I only left him because of divine intervention, having met someone else who led me in another direction. At least I learned that love doesn’t have steel toed boots.
He went on to marry his AP. They had a short marriage, until he hit her and she left him.
He apparently got into a program, remarried, and had a kid. My brother said he seemed to be doing well. I was glad to hear that, because he truly was a nice person when dry.
That is my story. Not yours.
Alcoholics escalate. They just do. Verbal abuse is still abuse. It grows in its anger and fury.
Your WH is blaming you for HIS behavior. That is where this begins. You’re not in a negative cycle IMHO. You’re in an alcoholic cycle - his.
Don’t accept his blame for him. Stand up. You do not have to accept his responsibility.
Am I saying he will beat you? No. I’m saying his alcoholism IS THE MAJOR PROBLEM YOU HAVE RIGHT NOW.
You cannot, and will not, solve any other problem until and unless he stops drinking.
You cannot argue with someone who is in a chemically altered state of mind. You cannot help them, either. They cannot help themselves, either. When they are drinking, they cannot make life decisions with logic or reason. They cannot make life changes that are meaningful. They cannot make commitments. They most certainly cannot possibly make the changes and commitments needed for reconciliation and recovery for the damages they have done due to their infidelities - nor can they possibly make the cognitive and emotional explorations needed to repair themselves.
If I were in your shoes, I would not make one more step towards reconciliation until and unless he stopped drinking and was in a structured program with at least a month under his belt.
[This message edited by 5Decades at 4:08 PM, Friday, January 26th]