Everyone says that actions have to match words, but how can you prove a negative?
But as everyone pointed out, should the WS pass the test, it doesn’t prove they’ll never cheat again. They may have passed at that point in time but the risk remains, they’ve done it before haven’t they?
My WH was a reliable, trustworthy, loving and dedicated husband and father before his affair. I’ve seen women massaging his ego in front of me and behind my back and it meant nothing to him.
And yet in IC he discovered that the perfect storm situation had happened, the stars aligned at that point in time (I won’t go into the details of it but I have met his IC before they concluded their sessions and she showed me all the whys and the perfect storm diagram they have created through the sessions) and he became open to an affair and engaged into one. He didn’t go searching for it, he took the opportunity.
So should I test him now by setting up a trap what would it demonstrate?
That he can say no to the former AP? That I know because they hate each other’s guts. In fact ow hates ME so much that, should he reach out for any reason, she’d happily provide all the evidence and rejoice in my misery.
That he can, now, at this point in time, refuse an affair with a new AP? But what if the perfect storm happens again?
What is the solution? To set traps regularly?
I have said this before on this forum: one thing that I have struggled with a lot post dday was the concept of preventing my spouse from having an affair. Of being MY responsibility to keep an eye on him. I did the usual for a very long time: checked phone, monitored location, checked social media, you name it, I’ve done it. I remember once emptying his car, with his help, he even suggested additional places to look, in order to check for a burner phone. I placed VARs in his car for months on end. It was normal, it helped me deal with my PTSD. The more I did it though, the more depressed I got, I hadn’t signed up to spend my life controlling a man to ensure he understood loyalty and faithfulness.
I felt trapped myself, I didn’t want to divorce a genuinely remorseful WS, I believe in redemption, I wanted to give him this chance but I also wanted to feel safe in my relationship. Safe when I go out somewhere without wondering if WH is texting another woman, safe to go to work without wondering if WH in turn is having lunch with another woman. To be able to function again.
No matter how much effort he put in to show me he was accountable (to this day he has yet to miss a call from me) and a changed man, it didn’t make a difference, I could not feel safe. I was exhausted and tired of all my intrusive thoughts, of constantly wondering what he was up to.
And then I realised (in IC) that in order to feel safe in any relationship again, I had to provide reassurance from within. To know that if this ever happens to me again I can stand on my own two feet, no matter how painful it will be, and know that I’ve done nothing wrong and move on on my own. That took a lot of IC for me. I still remember my IC working hard to separate me from the concept of "we" and make me focus on ME.
I now, 6 years later, have built a successful career meaning that I feel safe financially. He can leave, I can maintain the same lifestyle. Ive worked hard to (re)discover who I am besides WH’s wife and my kids’ mother. I have hobbies, friends, my life is pretty cool. I exercise and feel good about myself. I don’t monitor devices and locations although I maintain access to it, and I’m even going away with my daughter on a week holiday soon and WH will be home alone (I went away alone before but used my daughter as reassurance that he can’t do anything without her). I’m so excited and I’m looking forward to it. I don’t believe he will cheat but if he does that’s on him, I’ll hurt pretty badly but I’ll be ok.
I am sorry you all are hurting, I do know how horrible this is. I am writing all this as I hope my experience can help someone. If you would have seen me 3-4-5 years ago you would have thought that this was going to be the end of me, the end of my life and that I’ll never be happy again. But I worked hard to heal my wounds and if I was able to do that, everyone is.
[This message edited by Luna10 at 1:50 PM, Saturday, January 20th]