SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been a very intense weekend.

My sister and brother in law are separating. This all came out during a large family dinner on Sunday. My brother in law questioned me if front of the family about WH and the kids heard everything.

Meanwhile WH was at "Jeremy’s" where he goes methodically every other weekend for the past three years. While at "Jeremy’s", he can’t make or take calls or texts.

Our teenaged daughter said to me in the car last night, "I don’t mean to be mean mom but you know he’s not at Jeremy’s it’s pretty obvious and you aren’t stupid".

To summarize
I heard two of my nephews (aged 19 and 23) and my 16 year old say to me this is why they won’t even consider marriage.

What are we giving the next generation? I don’t want to pass along trauma tied to marriage.

Sending positive thoughts for healing intergenerational trauma.

This is tough stuff.

Secret second lives was a part of EX WH’s culture and I part of his family experience. I work every day to heal this in my generation of the family tree (or at least the tolerance for it).

One of the main reasons I left. I did not want my kids to think that it was ok to be in an unhappy marriage where I got cheated on all the time. I wanted them to see that leaving a bad marriage is possible and was healthier for me in the long run. That life goes on after D.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:57 PM, Tuesday, January 16th]

Hi luved,

I'm sorry you had a tough weekend.

Meanwhile WH was at "Jeremy’s" where he goes methodically every other weekend for the past three years. While at "Jeremy’s", he can’t make or take calls or texts.

Kids are pretty smart. Of course they know. It's obvious. Which begs the question, if you're not sticking it out so that the kids have some farcical fake belief that they grew up in a happy, loving 2-parent home, then what are you doing? What is keeping you in a situation that is so obviously unpalatable, that even a teenager can see it?

I heard two of my nephews (aged 19 and 23) and my 16 year old say to me this is why they won’t even consider marriage.

Of course it creates intergenerational trauma and dysfunction. We are all impacted by our family of origin - we can't avoid that. But we can equip kids with the tools to solve their problems, as problems arise. Your relationship with your spouse is your kids' best example of what to expect and what to accept in their own relationships going forward. I assume you don't want them to think it's normal for their spouse to have a whole second life. I assume you want your daughter to demand better from her future spouse.

I remember, at age 20 learning that my own mother had stuck it out with my cheating father only for her to have been left subsequently for another woman, and losing respect for them both. What did she expect? Why didn't she demand better? She had a job, sure a divorce would have resulted in a lifestyle downgrade but was she so superficial that a downgrade was worth her self-respect? I promised myself I'd never be dependent on a man for anything - particularly finances, but a part of me wondered if this was just the price of marriage. I probably over-compensated in a lot of my romantic relationship choices in my early 20s. I had also grown up being compared to my father and was gearing up to go into a similar professional field and all of a sudden, all of those "compliments" turned into accusations and I felt like all the bitterness that my mother's family understandably had towards my father, were aimed at me. If I was like him, what did this say about me.

I ended up putting off marriage until my early 30s. By then, my (now) husband had been together for more than 10 years - I wanted to be sure. Then when he cheated, all the trauma I had surrounding my father's infidelity was stirred up. I spent weeks in therapy digging into my parents relationship before I was able to dig into my own. For the first time, I started to have a bit more empathy for my mom's situation at the time and what she would have been going through.

I hope you don't take this as being cruel, but as motivating (which is the way that was intended). I have been here long enough to know that a lot of people are willing to put up with a lot of shit in their romantic relationships if they think it is in the best interest of their kids. But I have to wonder, is seeing this in their parents doing your kids any good?

Thank you for the responses and insight.

I want my kids to be proud of me not ashamed.

I make three times their father’s salary. He suffered a traumatic brain injury in combat almost 20 years ago.
I have been sticking it out because of the old in sickness and in health line of reasoning.

It isn’t serving anyone if the kids are concerned about me.

I’m sorry for your situation and how it has affected your kids.

This has been one of my points here in many threads. So many have said their children’s lives will be "ruined by a D". I disagree. I firmly believe their lives are more negatively impacted by watching and living with parents in a bad marriage.

I make three times their father’s salary. He suffered a traumatic brain injury in combat almost 20 years ago.
I have been sticking it out because of the old in sickness and in health line of reasoning.

If you're worried about him being destitute if you got divorced, then give him a generous settlement or pay him alimony. You can also continue to help cover his costs for health care, if necessary.

But you don't need to remain married to him and tolerate his infidelity.

I appreciate everyone’s solid recommendations.

I’m not at all worried about him, I’m so detached I’m unsure if I would care if he died.

And there’s my answer: I really just need to act.

I care more about a stranger who shows me kindness by opening a door than him.

My kids are adults. My oldest said he couldn't believe I stayed married for as long as I did.

Frankly, my son's and I have a better relationship now because we don't have to deal with XWH's crap.