SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t been on here in ages and I don’t know where to turn to.

I came here in 2010 because of ex wbf, we broke up 8 years later for good. I’d been with him since high school so I tried the online dating thing since I didn’t know how else to meet people. I met my now husband that fall online but prior to talking to him, I talked to a bunch of random guys but didn’t actually meet or date any of them. I did send pics which I’m now regretting.

Yesterday, DH used my phone number to log into a messaging app (my suggestion) for work as his phone was broken and it’s similar to WhatsApp but one I’ve never used or heard of prior to DH. This is important because immediately some guy messaged thinking it was me and knew me. Apparently it was someone I talked to online on a dating app and then regular texting before I met DH because when I didn’t answer after he said who he was and we went to sleep, he sent pics of me that I must’ve sent years ago to him for whatever reason as if I would know who he was and of course this was all on husbands old phone with no service but can use wifi on certain apps. If this is confusing, I’m sorry.

So anyway, yesterday before sleep we had a heated conversation because I don’t remember this person and of note, we both were the betrayed partners in our previous relationship and my memory has been really bad since I lost my mom right after I met DH. Okay so to yesterday, I was livid he didn’t believe me that I don’t remember this person. He apologized, I said I had never cheated on him or talked to anyone since we’ve been together and I would never jeopardize what we have.

This morning I wake up and he’s immediately like "don’t talk to me you’re lying" and then shows me that this guy sent nude pics of me that I sent to them back in the day and it blows up. I don’t remember this person and I didn’t sleep around which I’ll get to.

This evening after work, we don’t talk but I went to tell him I was going to use the bath but did he want to talk about anything and he said "no, do you" and I said I just wanted this to be over.

Oh boy. So he said "who’s *different guy name*" and I didn’t know and he implied I was lying about all this because why would these guys randomly message after 5+ years of not talking to them if I didn’t sleep with them or keep talking to them, etc etc.

My therapist managed to squeeze me in today for a FaceTime session and she reiterated multiple times that what I did when I was single was okay, that people send pics (hell I sent some to DH when we were dating and engaged) and what I did then doesn’t detract from what we have now. Also his response was very strong and likely fear-based that his past was replaying today.

Okay so back to this evening. Things blow up. It boils down to I apparently am lying about not remembering these people, that I lied about not sleeping with them, and possibly that I sent DH the same pics and he thought they were just for him so possibly hurt ego too.

I can’t prove that I don’t remember someone or that I didn’t do anything wrong. Knowing I’m telling the truth is the only thing holding me together right now.
Idk what I’m hoping for by posting this. Just can’t believe this is happened.

Oh hun, I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now.

I have zero experience with dating apps or how to prove these were from years ago, but I can tell you to try to see it through his eyes and show him some empathy.

Let him go through your phone and try to figure out how to piece what happened together. Imagine if it were the other way around and how you would be feeling. In other words, lean into him rather than push away.

Maybe with some research you can figure this out. I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation. You are strong and you will be ok.

Hey Poopylala. That is a tough situation made tougher by both of your past experiences.
I agree with WOES- 1000% transparency and understanding is going to be key. It does look suspicious, even if it is innocent.
To help him, remember what you needed when you were a fresh BS. He’s feeling all the triggers from when he was a fresh BS.

I hope you both can work through this.

Are there dates for the messages? Does the application offer any support - maybe your logon history?

What would your think about a joint session with your IC? Your IC may have techniques for ferreting out the truth.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I think empathy will get you part of the way to where you want to go, and you should be able to imagine your response if you saw something like this on your H's phone.

IDK ... if I saw something like this on my W's phone, we'd have a big issue to resolve, so I have sympathy for your H - and for you.

BTW, I'm with your IC - what you did while you were unattached, before you and H2b committed to each other is basically your business. A clean bill of health is necessary, I guess, which was much less of a problem when I got together with plainsong. Other than that, you were totally free to date anyone.

This is the garden hose and the snake issue.

He has walked into the yard and seen something in the grass. Maybe it is a garden hose or maybe it’s a snake but at this point his amygdala has assumed it’s a snake. If it’s a garden hose you’re going to have to convince his brain it’s not a snake.

I’d start with a complete history of what happened before you started dating him. I know you say you can’t remember but I can assure you as a WS once you start writing it out and looking at Calendars and emails from that time you will remember more than you think.

Your husband is a BS. When you started your relationship he must have wanted your sexual and relationship history to ease his mind about taking the risk on marriage again, yes?

Did you tell him the truth about the period of online dating? Why is he blindsided by nudes sent to other men?

Your true sexual history is your husbands business, IMO.

@ usedandneverloved, OP is also the BS. And no,her sexual history before they were a couple is NONE of his business. If she chooses to share, which she did, that is her CHOICE. Just as it would be his choice if he chooses to share with her. Anything else is misogyny.
Poopylala, you have given your spouse the truth. Stop trying to pacify him. Either he believes you that you don't remember or he doesn't. He needs to get into therapy because he brought a LOT of baggage to your relationship but it's HIS baggage to work on. You cannot fix this for him. Who you did or didn't sleep with, who you do or don't remember prior to your current relationship is completely irrelevant, and if he were a healthy person he would see that. You cannot fix him. This is his problem. It is ridiculous that you are even made to answer questions about past relationships or non-relationships.
I'm honestly astounded that this is even an argument. I couldn't imagine accusing my partner of lying about forgetting someone from the past prior to us meeting each other, much less prior to becoming a couple. Who does that? You trying to explain your case over and over to appease him is codependent behavior. Are you in therapy or did you receive therapy after your D? You may not be totally healed either.

@stilllivin a man wanting to know what landmines are running around with nudes of his wife before putting a ring on it is a desire to have agency and make a good safe decision on whether or not to tie his life to hers. If wanting honesty and transparency so you can exercise agency and protect yourself is misogynistic, that word isn't that scary. I'm a misogynist and 100% okay with it,

The fact remains that this has created a divide in the marriage. He has good reason not to blindly trust her word. Not all of it is just baggage (aka experience) from his last marriage.

poopylala

Digital cameras store "metadata" with pictures. Possibly a long-shot - if you took pictures using digital camera as such is a cell-phone camera. Digital cameras (not cell-phones) also create/store such data. then -

I am thinking there may be (still?) metadata in the pictures - and if you can get it - may assist in convincing mr. doubting thomas of your honest replies to his accusations.

One bit of metadata is LOCATION (in cell phone pictures) - and if it is still present in the picture - possible it can show that picture taken somewhere you would not have ever been since getting together with current mate.

Web sites (most often) strip metadata when pictures are uploaded.

"How to" view metadata - hit Google search for info regarding procedure to look

Another thought - depending on when and what - maybe there is something in the picture than can "date" the possible time it was taken? Like hair color or length? A piece of clothing? Background?

Do you still have the same camera? Take a picture and check out the data for example.

Tell hubby you will take polygraph test if he likes - and pays for out of his "allowance."

Wishing you peace

@StillLiving

@ usedandneverloved, OP is also the BS. And no,her sexual history before they were a couple is NONE of his business. If she chooses to share, which she did, that is her CHOICE. Just as it would be his choice if he chooses to share with her. Anything else is misogyny.

This, of course, is nonsense. You should know better posting on an infidelity related board. I would guarantee that most members would rightfully care if the person they were dating had a history of infidelity. It's not misogyny to be concerned about your partner's sexual history.

You cannot fix this for him. Who you did or didn't sleep with, who you do or don't remember prior to your current relationship is completely irrelevant, and if he were a healthy person he would see that. You cannot fix him. This is his problem. It is ridiculous that you are even made to answer questions about past relationships or non-relationships.

Did you read the OP's post? Husband uses her phone for something and gets messaged by some other dude. She doesn't respond and the guy sends pictures of her. How is the husband supposed to know this was from years ago? On the face of it, it doesn't make any sense. Who the Hell would still remember some random person they contacted years ago, but never met? Obviously, such an event is possible (as it happened to OP), but to make it seem as though the Husband is crazy is gaslighting.

Then another dude messages? The phone has been connected to the messaging app for, what, 2 days and 2 guys from five years ago remember her texting well enough to want to start a conversation with her? They've saved her pictures? Again, I believe OP, but this is suspicious. To suggest otherwise is nonsense.

It is very odd that when you logged into a messaging app that one (two?) men for 5+ years ago message you and have saved your photos from that time and nothing ever happened.

Are you lying? I don't know but I am unsure how you can fix this because if anyone else posted this from your husband POV, EVERYONE on this site would be saying you're guilty, lying, hiding, and so on.

Do you still have the photos on whatever device you took them on? Can you look at the photo details to look for a date of creation?

I am sorry you are going through this. It is a really bizarre story if you are innocent and that is an awful situation for you and your husband.

** NOT Posting as Staff **

I started on SI a little after pll did, and she was active for a few years, IIRC. I had no reason to doubt her then, so I don't doubt her now, strange though the story is.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:03 PM, Tuesday, January 16th]

If you're telling the truth, then your best bet is to be as calm, collected, and compassionate as possible. If the situation were reversed, you would be flipping out right now, and with good reason... it's very bizarre that not 1 but 2 men from your past just messaged you out of the blue.

Start by acknowledging that your husband has every right to be suspicious and upset. Offer up your devices for inspection with DrFone or with a professional IT person. Volunteer to take a polygraph, if that will ease his mind. Being as transparent and consistent is your only way through this.

My therapist managed to squeeze me in today for a FaceTime session and she reiterated multiple times that what I did when I was single was okay, that people send pics (hell I sent some to DH when we were dating and engaged) and what I did then doesn’t detract from what we have now.

Ehhh... that's your opinion and your therapist's opinion, not his. If your goal is to prove that you're telling the truth, the last thing you should do is say anything that will invalidate his feelings or give him the impression that you're attempting to manipulate him.

I don't know PLL, but I have no reason to think she's lying. My working assumption is that she's telling the truth.

That said, the events that she describes are very weird and I think that if I were her husband, I would doubt them. So, I'm not faulting him for being skeptical.

Putting myself in her place, I'm not sure what I could say to alleviate my spouses mind. Maybe PLL has already done this, a good place to start is pointing out that the pictures were old (and that she'd sent them to him back in the day). I believe I missed that the initial read through. I'd probably just use a new app altogether.

PLL does your spouse think that the pictures/contact are new contacts, or does he acknowledge they're from back in the day (or does he not know)? My concern would be new contacts, not what you did in a prior life.

I appreciate the responses.

I was a BGF when I started here in 2010, I did tons of therapy then and still am now. The biggest thing for me has always been honesty because between being on the receiving end of lying and just the absolute discomfort of not being truthful, it’s just not worth it. Nothing to gain from lying and everything to lose.

This really was an extremely odd set of circumstances and I truly understood his POV. That’s why I felt so lost, how do you prove something from years ago? It was an old phone so no I don’t have access to anything from then. And it wasn’t an app I ever used, it’s similar to WhatsApp but it apparently alerted anyone who had it and had my number saved that I joined. Why those two would message after so many years is beyond me, especially given that I never met them but obviously the first one who sent the nudes of me back to "me" on the app is obviously unhinged.

I ended up writing a letter to DH explaining things from my side. I truly would never lie to him, especially given BOTH our pasts. He means too much to me to risk losing him. We talked it out after some time and by the end of Sunday, he said if I really say I didn’t do anything, then he believes me. I have always offered my phone, anything he needs anytime to ever know I’m not hiding anything. In no way would I want to invalidate his feelings. I did tell him in my letter that any thing I did when I was single wasn’t wrong even if I’m not proud of it now.

I found a few marriage counselors to try plus some who were recommended by friends and while we have talked out a lot and things feel back to normal, I still think it prudent to go.

His baggage is his own to face but I fully support him in what he needs. I’m grateful I could post here and that we could talk it out.

You could offer to take a polygraph?

This really was an extremely odd set of circumstances and I truly understood his POV. That’s why I felt so lost, how do you prove something from years ago? It was an old phone so no I don’t have access to anything from then. And it wasn’t an app I ever used, it’s similar to WhatsApp but it apparently alerted anyone who had it and had my number saved that I joined. Why those two would message after so many years is beyond me, especially given that I never met them but obviously the first one who sent the nudes of me back to "me" on the app is obviously unhinged.

I ended up writing a letter to DH explaining things from my side. I truly would never lie to him, especially given BOTH our pasts. He means too much to me to risk losing him. We talked it out after some time and by the end of Sunday, he said if I really say I didn’t do anything, then he believes me. I have always offered my phone, anything he needs anytime to ever know I’m not hiding anything. In no way would I want to invalidate his feelings. I did tell him in my letter that any thing I did when I was single wasn’t wrong even if I’m not proud of it now.

I found a few marriage counselors to try plus some who were recommended by friends and while we have talked out a lot and things feel back to normal, I still think it prudent to go.

His baggage is his own to face but I fully support him in what he needs. I’m grateful I could post here and that we could talk it out.

Good to read things are Better!!!

poly? Well, you can volunteer to do one - for $$$$$ - my bet is husband won't want to spend the money.