SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't visited or posted on this site nearly as much as I once did, but I wanted to check in, since today is the 8yr anniversary of my DDay.

Quick recap of my story: I found out 8 years ago today that my WW of 12 years was having an affair with another married man who is/was a self-proclaimed "spokesman" on infidelity, who had been on countless talk shows after his really bizarre situation where his first wife cheated on him. I thought I was on an episode of MTV's Punked. My divorce was final in June 2016. My ex-WW kept pushing OM to leave his second wife, and he relented and was divorced a few months later. He and my ex-WW got married shortly after that. My DDs were 8 and 10 at the time of the divorce, and my exWW forced them to play house with OM and his sons who are the same ages. My exWW seemingly got everything she wanted - divorced me, got paid well in the settlement, married POS OM, and took very little if any public humiliation for her indiscretions.

I was devastated when it happened, but I recovered mentally after about a year and a half. As I look back today on my life of the past 8 years, I realize that my life is so much better than it was during my marriage. My exWW would do and say things that attacked my self-confidence. She would make me feel guilty if I wanted to play softball or watch sports with guy friends. She hampered and controlled the time I spent with my daughters. Everything was always about her. I thought that was normal. I did my best to make her happy. All of this disgusts me now, as I think back on it. Of course you should want your significant other to be happy, but not at the expense of yourself. I can't believe that I never thought I would find someone better than my exWW.

Everything in my life is infinitely better today than when I was married, especially my time with my daughters. I have met and dated many women over the past 8 years, including one that I've been dating the past 14 months. I'm definitely proud of the man I've become since my divorce.

I'm posting this to remind others, especially those at the beginning stages, that there is hope. You might not realize it now, but your life will be better. Finding out your spouse is having an affair is one of the most excruciating challenges in life. Overcoming it makes you a stronger person. When I first discovered this site 8 years ago, I would scour posts that would give me hope that I could somehow survive this.

I'm glad that I didn't have the choice of reconciliation, because I most likely would have taken that route, and my exWW would have definitely continued her affair with more stealth. I was forced to rip the bandaid off, and while it was painful and lonely at first, it was the best thing for me.

Karma hasn't found my exWW or her POS OM yet, but I know it's coming. Something tells me that it will wait for my daughters (and more importantly POS OM's sons) to both graduate highschool and head to college. At that point, OM won't need my exWW, and I'm sure he will find another younger version. But that's not my concern any more. I'm focused on me and my girls.

You WILL recover. You WILL have a better life. You CAN do this!

Thrilled to see you’re thriving GTS! Great perspective and fantastic work enjoying your daughters. Thanks for posting this great update.

Thanks for sharing. I'm very glad to read you're happy and recovered. When I was new to dealing with infidelity, I placed a high value on check-ins from old timers - they gave me hope of healing.

Thanks gr8ful and sisoon! Sisoon, I agree, and you were one of the veterans whose posts I remember reading.

Thank you for your inspiring message!

Appreciate the update. It’s wonderful to see how well you’ve recovered and how with time and perspective you’ve been able to see your marriage in a whole different light. I wish you continued success and happiness.

Thanks for posting this, I really needed to hear it today.

I'm in a similar boat where I did not have the option of R and my STBXH is living with the OW. It's great to know that life can actually get better than it was before.

BallofAnxiety, I know it sounds scary, but think of the alternative - would you really ever be able to trust him again? Do you want to live the rest of your life always wondering what he's doing, whom he's texting, who he's talking with? There are plenty of men and women out there who don't cheat. Why waste your time on someone who you know is a cheater? I really think if my exWW had convinced me to reconcile, she would have kept the affair going, except she would have been craftier and more secret about it. All I wanted back then is for her to "come to her senses and realize what she did". But, that's who she is - a liar and a cheater. I deserve better than that, and you deserve better than that too.

Awesome!

How is the co-parenting going? Is the ExWW triangulating or disparaging you in front of the kids? How are your DDs doing? Was there any fallout? They must be hitting their dramatic teen years now. I was wondering how that was going?

RealityBlows:

The co-parenting was never good. She acted more like a friend than a parent, so I did the bulk of the "parenting". I read a book about parenting that mentioned "Parallel Parenting", and that's more the model I/we used.

At the beginning, my older daughter (10 at the time) acted out at school and got into trouble. I took care of it immediately with counseling and staying on her - helping with homework, telling her that she is better than what she was doing in school, etc. She started turning the corner around age 12, and has been rock solid since then - straight A's and was recently accepted into college. She's 18 now.

My younger daughter waited until her sister got things together, and then she acted up in similar ways. Around the same time (age 12) she got herself on the right track, and she's been solid since then too. She will turn 16 soon.

For teenaged girls, they are quite well behaved and haven't been much trouble for me. I also made sure to focus my time on them when they are with me. The first 6 or 7 years, I never went out on weeks that they were with me - I did everything with them.

ExWW definitely disparaged me in front of the kids often. I've heard from my girls, and I've heard from POS OM's ex-wife, who told me she scolded her children for speaking badly about me. After my divorce was final, OM's ex-wife reached out to me, and we have become friends. She's in a good relationship for the past 3 or 4 years, and I'm happy for her.

You can make all the rules you want with the attorneys, but you can't force selfish ex-spouses to follow them. My girls are almost old enough that I don't have to deal with the exWW any more.

Nicely done Shaft.

Parallel Parenting is the way to go, especially if you’re working with a difficult co-parent.

It will also become ever so important when you get into a new relationship. You may see a resurgence of animosity from your ExWW when you get into a new relationship.

My ExWW is trying to be our kids BFF rather than a parent and maintaining a united parenting front has been difficult. She’s trying to win a popularity contest with our kids, many times at my expense, every chance she gets.

Glad to hear your story. Hope it inspires folks here to fight for what they want and deserve!