SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Long story short I think my wife is checking my phone at night while I'm sleeping. We have a no phone lock policy in the house that we're both adhering to currently. Of course most of you know that never stopped a cheater and the cheaters are always trying to look like the victim so I think she's actually hoping to find anything she can point at that takes the spotlight off of her indiscretions. Does anyone have any experience with installing monitoring apps like mSpy, xnSpy, uMobix or keyloggers on Android phones? To be clear I'd be putting this ON MY OWN PHONE. My wife wants the divorce but won't ask for it since it would take away her ability to play the victim. Most of you that have dealt with gaslighting know that you can only fight with facts. It would go a long way to show that I know she's peeking on my phone at night. I don't really want to look at hers because my gut tells me I wouldn't like what I found. And I know I have the option to lock my phone but that would cause a fight and just cement her belief that I'm the one hiding something. I'd hoped to check out the forum with investigation tips but I'm on a time crunch and other members said they just posted stuff here. Too bad there's not a read only option for that subforum.

What kind of phone do you have?

Long story short I think my wife is checking my phone at night while I'm sleeping.

Why do you think she is doing this? What do you think she is looking for? Are you the WS or the BS?

My wife wants the divorce but won't ask for it since it would take away her ability to play the victim. Most of you that have dealt with gaslighting know that you can only fight with facts.

Kind of feels like you're burying the lead here. For a marriage to work, both spouses need to be all in Proving she's lying about something isn't going to make her want to be with you.

I'd hoped to check out the forum with investigation tips but I'm on a time crunch and other members said they just posted stuff here. Too bad there's not a read only option for that subforum.

The point is to prevent the wrong people from abusing the resources of the site or enabling a WS to better cover their tracks.

I've got a Samsung Galaxy android phone. I'm the BS. I think she's hoping to find anything she can turn into "reasonable doubt" about me being faithful so she can tell everyone I was the one actually cheating and "she had no choice" but to leave or something I'm sure along those lines. Even a like on a social media app would probably be enough. I don't use my social media apps very often.

I'm the BS. I think she's hoping to find anything she can turn into "reasonable doubt" about me being faithful so she can tell everyone I was the one actually cheating and "she had no choice" but to leave or something I'm sure along those lines.

Why does that matter though. If there is nothing to find, there is nothing to find. Hand her your phone during the day and tell her she is free to look.

It’s a form of deflection. Many WS’s do this. Mine did. They can’t stand the moral high ground disparity. When my WS THOUGHT she found something, she literally got giddy, like out of her freaking mind, excited. I couldn’t even get a word in edge-wise to tell her the phone number she saw repeatedly on the bill was a work related computer automated text messaging system.

There are apps that take pictures of anyone unlocking your phone, but I think you’re focusing in the wrong direction.

What do you mean you don’t want to look at her phone in fear of what you might find? That’s just burying your head in the sand. You might find that she’s maintaining NC or you might find she’s still cheating. Both findings are very important for you to know, to help you out of limbo. It’s not important for you to know if she’s checking up on you.

You need to get out of infidelity. You need to know if you’re still in infidelity. If you’re not assuredly on your way out of infidelity via D or R or verifiable NC with possible R, then you’re still in infidelity.

If your WS is sitting on the fence, looking for an excuse, a pretext to pull the D trigger on you, then set a deadline for her to commit to R with minimum, prerequisite expectations clearly stated, expectations that will follow a line of progression, allowing for continuous improvement and rehabilitation. You already have ample reason to pull that D trigger yourself, right now if she continues to mire you in limbo.

There’s a long time poster here who has an excellent analogy about playing chicken with your marriage.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:34 PM, Wednesday, January 3rd]

If you'd been living my life with WS for the past 10 years you'd understand why I can't just hand her the phone and say I think she's looking through it. I can either write a book on my situation so that everyone understands but today I'm just trying to gather evidence.

She probably is looking through it. What will you do with verification that she is looking through it?

PS: May I suggest you start with us from the beginning? It’s ok if it’s a long story. But with the limited information you have provided, I can’t even be sure if you’re a WS or BS.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:49 PM, Wednesday, January 3rd]

@RealityBlows She's the type that trying to prove she did something is like trying to nail jello to the wall. If I don't have some kind of evidence she'll turn it into me trying to deflect, blah blah. And to be clear I absolutely want to look through her phone. I'd love to sit and spend hours pouring over her conversations figuring out how far off into the emotional affair she's got or if there's been any physical contact that I've been lied to about. If it wasn't basically illegal to install one of those apps on your partners phone I'd have done it by now. There's just so much more to all of this than I can summarize. I asked if anyone had experience with those apps and I appreciate the responses so far.

Ok, I’m getting where you’re at.

There’s a methodology to getting what you need, safely, legally and efficiently.

Rather than frantically grabbing at information, we can help you better if you start at the beginning. We’re quick studies here and good listeners. This isn’t ReDdit. Your situation sounds very familiar.

I'm interested in this methodology you speak of. :)

I can start a separate thread for my story. And I'm up to 7 posts so only 44 more to go and a small fee to read that forum myself.

If you'd been living my life with WS for the past 10 years you'd understand why I can't just hand her the phone and say I think she's looking through it.

If she's that nefarious and erratic, and you believe she's trying to justify a divorce, you might consider locking your phone to prevent her from planting something on it. The last thing you need is your browser history showing activity on compromising or even illegal websites.

Survivor24

I have not looked in detail => You can enable bluetooth and monitor the phone.

Suggest you google the idea.

I recently read somewhere a BS figured out how to bluetooth monitor her WH phone.

Side thought - put a mini camera in your room where you leave the phone sitting. Say on coffee table in living room!

There are all kinds of things that appear innocuous but have webcam capability.

Or just be blunt about the mess and put in "security cameras" - we have 4 @ our house - one inside and 3 outside. And another "clock" sitting on a bookcase - all accessible via web in real time and also the security cameras have recording. Ours has option for local HDD in case web connection drops out.

We initially got the outside to check for strays - particularly coyotes. Inside to monitor pet sitter visits.

Playing petty cat and mouse games with your wife is a waste of time. You haven't posted specifics about your situation, but if I'm accurately reading between the lines of your comments here, she seems like a very skilled manipulator who thrives on drama. The more you try to prove, the more she will make your head spin.

You could probably catch her on camera screwing another guy or checking your phone and she would still deny it because that's what habitual liars do. According to them, their feelings are facts and actual facts are just your feelings.

If you think your wife doesn't want to remain married to you and is looking for an excuse to divorce, then do yourselves both a favor and file. Who cares if she "plays victim" because you filed first? She's going to do that no matter what you do.

If you want to spend precious time and energy sleuthing, than become a licensed PI and get paid for it.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:46 PM, Wednesday, January 3rd]

Excellent!

Start in the JFO forum. I know you didn’t "Just Find Out", but it is still a great place to start.

The crowd sourcing here is excellent. You’ll get various POVs based on various poster’s experiences.

Your dilemma is actually relatively common. Your "nailing Jello to the wall" analogy is very common. It’s maddening when your gut instincts are screaming, but you’re lacking actionable evidence and you’re being actively gaslighted and made to look crazy. Do I have that right?

If she's that nefarious and erratic, and you believe she's trying to justify a divorce, you might consider locking your phone to prevent her from planting something on it.

Agreed. What's the point of a no-lock policy if neither of you are "allowed" to look at the other's phone. In my mind, the point of a no lock policy is that the phone is open for each other to look. If you don't trust her with your phone, then you should probably lock it.

What will you do with verification that she is looking through it?

Yeah, this is not clear to me either.

If you think your wife doesn't want to remain married to you and is looking for an excuse to divorce, then do yourselves both a favor and file. Who cares if she "plays victim" because you filed first? She's going to do that no matter what you do.

Exactly.

Look up "Phone Lock Security" apps.

They have apps that can discreetly log every time someone unlocks your phone by taking a photo of the intruder, and can also indiscreetly alarm when someone unlocks your device or notify you via your Apple Watch.

Survivor - In the simplest of terms, you just want some confirmation (and I'll leave the "why" up to you). And I'm not sure this is even a real technical issue. When I used to worry about the kids getting in the liquor cabinet, I'd balance a pencil on top of the door in an identifiable position. As soon as they opened the cabinet, they were busted and we both knew it.

Try something similar with the phone, but be more subtle. If you leave it on a desk or countertop, be very specific how you lay it (Examples: Place part of the phone exactly 1 inch from the wall or some item; Set it on top of some coins, touching the quarter, but not the dime; If it's plugged in, create a loop in the cord that will get disturbed.) Anything like this will help you to know if she's been snooping. I've done things like this, and I was always able to tell when my wife had been too curious about my journal.

Thanks again for all the suggestions. I know a lot of my story might seem sketchy but try to remember what it was like for you when your spouse spent a decade (in my case 2 wives over 2 decades) systematically broke you down to feed their narcissism. I don't like even using the "N-Word" (narcissism, not the other one) because it's too vague and really not fair to spouses that are simply some of the most self centered people on the planet, but not clinically diagnosed narcissists.

I know a lot of my story might seem sketchy but try to remember what it was like for you when your spouse spent a decade (in my case 2 wives over 2 decades) systematically broke you down to feed their narcissism.

Gently, you know you've been broken down. What are you doing to restore yourself?

You write that your W wants to D. What do you want?

If your WS has abused you emotionally, or even if you simply want to be free of her, what's keeping you in your M?

Hey OP. I would agree withbthe other posterscthatvyou shouldcstart from the beginning. Firstly, it gives everyone here a clearer picture and thus they can give morectargeted advice. This place isn't like other sites. You'll find that it is filled with very wise people who are trying to pay it forward, even in the midst of their pain. Secondly, it will work like a narrative arc for you, enabling you to see patterns in your situation and hopefully progress. If you look at my posts from 5 years ago, you would see a man in tremendous pain and filled with rage. I've come a long way in that time.

They can’t stand the moral high ground disparity.

This reminded me of my EXWW. Although she displayed narcissistic tendencies, I don't believe she is one. But that's like recognizing that she is a shitty human being, but arguing about what type of shitty. Anyway, when we would argue, pre and post A, she would get very upset with me and say, "you think your so good!" You see, I tried to always be a decent human being and do no harm. Normally, this would be a laudable character trait, but to a serial cheater (my exww is a serial cheater), it burns them because it is a constant reminder of their secret lies. Granted, after much self examination, I've come to the conclusion that my trying to be the best person I can be is a direct result of the abuse I suffered as a child, and thus unhealthy in a weird way, I still do it.

From what I read in your post, your M does not sound healthy, but you seem tethered to your ww for some reason. Until you post more, I don't think you'll be able to move forward in your situation. Hope to hear from you soon.