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In the past month two of my friends from when I was a bit younger have suddenly and in shocking ways died. An old classmate disappeared and was searched for for weeks, when finally found it has been impossible to find out for certain if the death was accidental or a suicide. And now a few days ago a woman I used to know and be close with when our kids were younger has died in a horrific accident alongside her youngest child.

I am finding that these two events have really sent my head into a tailspin. Things like these I guess always send you into a shock of sorts and makes you reflect on your own mortality, how it can all be over so suddenly and what we feel about our own lives. But the problem now is, that previously in life when events such as these occurred, it always woke a deep sense of gratitude in me. Gratitude for my own health and life, the life I had managed to build for myself and my family, gratitude for everyone around me being healthy and alive. Family, love and life. But now? 13 months from DD? There is no gratitude. There is just sorrow and bitterness. And I hate that. I hate that this A has done that to me and taken that from me.

I hate that my WHs A has destroyed the life we had built together and that I can never have that life back again no matter what. I can choose between two things I never wanted. To divorce or stay married to a cheater. Neither of which I want. In fact, both are equal hells to me. Neither is doable, and still here I am doing it every day, the one that is SLIGHTLY more doable than the other, for now.
I hate that I no longer feel like I previously did, that if I were to suddenly die, I would know that I was exactly where I wanted to be in life. Not always happy, not perfect in any way, but in a place of my own choosing. Now, I just feel like I am stuck in a life I hate that someone else forced upon me. A life where I have to live with this shitstorm that my life is now and forever.

Sorry for the downer post, needed to vent my disappointment and just this overwhelming feeling that life will never be what it once was ever again. Just feel like life is running away from us all, it can be over in a blink of an eye, and here I am day by day in a life I never wanted, cast upon me by my own H.

In this case, your nickname seems to be a little bit prophetic, as I am right there with you. I feel every word of what you're saying, and FWIW you're not alone.

Very well stated! I'm in this club you've described, too. Just lost my last sibling, another died last year, lost our father 10 years ago and all during their last years, I was struggling to get out from under this cloud of Infidelity misery. A cloud so dark that it came between us. Infidelity stole a lot of my feeling I belonged to my own family! So I lost not only my M but my FOO closeness, as well.

Maybe it's just human nature to not want to witness another's pain too much, but somehow, all my family really didn't want to see me D my WH, despite all of them having done the same. Guess I was supposed to be the exception to the sad stories in my family. When they heard what he did to me, I got effectively shunned.

So now that they're all dead, I'm left standing, to figure out what's my life is going to have been all about.

Great post. Reminding ourselves to recall that old quote "Living Well is the Best Revenge."

Thanks so much for posting this. I relate so much to what you wrote, particularly this bit:

this overwhelming feeling that life will never be what it once was ever again. Just feel like life is running away from us all, it can be over in a blink of an eye, and here I am day by day in a life I never wanted, cast upon me by my own H

I keep saying over and over to myself, "I don't want this. I hate my life." Prior to Dday, not everything was perfect but I was basically happy with my life. Now, it's mostly mediocre to bad.

Many years ago after my 4 years dating my current husband and only a couple years into this M, I got hit with his ugly secret life using prostitutes, which went all the way back in his life to when he joined the military at age 18. My analogy then has stood the test of time, see what you all think:

A fair lady and her Captain set sail from the old country over the wild waters of The Atlantic for a New World (the world of marriage). Once their little wooden ship had been at sea for just 4 days (years of our M), pirates attacked the ship, boarded it, killed her dashing Captain, threw him overboard, tied the fair lady up and threw her down into the brig. She could no longer see the ocean upon which they were sailing, nor could she learn anything further about where this ship would now end up. She was now simply a captive, having lost her social status as a woman of worth, her ship having been stolen from her and her fortune she spent on it, wasted.

While the pirates never tried to rape her, she gradually lost her beauty and her joy as she was forced to spend week after week, then month after month (eventually, it became year after year) sitting below deck in her prison cell. The pirates made sure she was brought food every day, and gradually she became accustomed to her meager circumstances. She appreciated that she had a bed to sleep on and food to eat. (Stockholm Syndrome, Learned Helplessness). She had so much wanted to reach that fabled New World, and she kept a glimmer of her dream alive, by hoping these pirates would some day, in some way, find their way to put in at a safe harbor, and then perhaps she could get away while they would go to shore.

She is still a far ways from reaching dry land. Her life just proved forever changed. She wonders if all sea captains are, deep down, actual pirates. But she doesn't want to be married to a pirate.

I’m sorry for your losses. I think grief has a way of magnifying the pain sometimes.

I lost my dear friend a few years ago. I was and still am so sad. But I try to think back to our fun times and happy memories. It often helps me.

You need to find one thing each day to do for yourself. Have a cup of tea. Read a few pages of a book. Bake. Sew. Knit. Exercise. See a friend. Anything to bring some joy to your life.

I keep saying over and over to myself, "I don't want this. I hate my life." Prior to Dday, not everything was perfect but I was basically happy with my life. Now, it's mostly mediocre to bad.

This is exactly how I feel every single day. Life was obviously not perfect before DD, we had a LOT of issues in our marriage and I was unhappy at times. But not unhappy like this. I was unhappy in the relationship at times, but it didn't have a huge impact on my generally happy outlook on life. I've endured a lot of trauma but I've managed to keep a basically positive outlook on life through it all. Even through losing close relatives etc. Until now.
It's been more than 13 months and even though I have been in weekly IC, I work out 4 times a week, I have good friends I'm close with, I have a job I enjoy pretty much, it's like I've lost myself. I've lost my positive outlook on life, my belief in life's goodness and love and people in general. I've lost al lot of weight and most of my hair has fallen out due to the stress as well, (I used to have gorgeous thick and long hair that was a huge part of my appearance, this is now gone)I sleep ok now (in the beginning it was a disaster). I'm a sadder, way more negative and angry person, a worse mum and person in almost every way since DD. (Just more fit from working out like a maniac all year) And I hate that. I hate that my WHs egotistical actions have taken so much away from me not just related to our marriage. I've turned into an angry, bitter, depressed person and I can't seem to shake that off even with antidepressants and counselling, doing things I love that give me joy. I look at pics of me taken just befor DD and I look like an entirely different person. I'm smiling, shining with a joy from within. I felt strong and competent and full of life, even in hard times. These days I can make myself smile for a pic but it's like the joy from within is just gone.

How did those of you that managed to get past this stage do it? I refuse to let this keep me down for the rest of my life. I just don't know how to get back to myself. Much less to our relationship and how I felt about us or him, but that's not even my first priority. I just want myself back, my joy, my happiness, my hope and outlook on life. I rarely smile or laugh any more and when I do it's just in passing, not from a deep bubbly joy I used to have. I remember on DD I immediately thought to myself, whatever happens, I will not let myself get bitter. Here I am a year later, bitter, angry, enraged, depressed, resentful.

First, healing takes longer than anyone thinks it should. At 13 months out, few of us have healed completely. What you describe looks pretty much par for the course.

For me the antidote for behaving in ways I didn't want to behave was realizing that I really was a good H and that the A was entirely on my W. She did it because of her issues, not because of something I did or didn't do. She made the bad choices.

How are you addressing your dissatisfaction with yourself in IC?

What you are feeling really hits home, you describe it perfectly. As I was reading it took me back to the one year mark after Dday and I realize 3 years later those feelings are not front and center, there are scars but the pain is manageable.

From 1 year to 18 months the shock is gone and you see the devastation clearly and understand what was really done to you. Your anger is peaking over the injustice of having your M ripped away from you, stolen and discarded. You also hit the phase of anger towards yourself for staying with a cheater.

I want to assure you it gets better as you heal over time. It's like a broken leg, you can't rush the healing, but you can eventually walk with pain, then as the pain subsides you can start to run and one day all the pain and struggle is just a bad memory.

That is one righteous rant! Bravo. Well said. I raise my glass to you as a LTA survivor myself. You put into words what a lot of us are feeling.

How are you addressing your dissatisfaction with yourself in IC?

I have talked about this several times, I find in this particular case my IC is not very helpful as she mostly just tells me this is normal and takes time. I understand this is true, but since I would like to at least TRY to speed things a long in any way possible for myself, or at least, make sure I am not slowing things down and staying in any unnecessary suffering a second longer than I absolutely need to, I would also like any suggestions on how one could start working with changing one's own thought patterns, reactions and feelings.

You also hit the phase of anger towards yourself for staying with a cheater.

I'm really struggling with this. I had always thought infidelity was an absolute deal breaker for me. And then it happened. And I stayed. Mu ch to my own surprise and dissappointment. And on some level, I believe I have still not forgiven myself for it. I think I deep down inside feel like I am letting myself down, that I'me being weak, humiliating myself, lowering my worth in my WH eyes on some level as he now knows I won't leave even if he cheats....I have crossed a boundary I thought was absolute for me. No one made me, I made this choice myself. I still keep making the choice every day to stay, at least for now.

Come to think of it now that I am writing that down, I think I might be punishing my WH for me staying with him. Wow. That's kind of an epiphany of sorts. I am mad at myself for staying, disappointed and feel like I've turned myself into a wimpy pushover, so on some level I think something deep within me tries to bring my worth back up by being punishing towards him? Kind of like a 180 gone really wrong. Does that make any sense? I'm just now starting to sense this connection. I on some level feel like it's his fault that I am staying with a cheater. Since he by cheating left me with two shitty choices. Leave a marriage I never wanted to leave, or stay with a cheater which I basically think is weak of me. And so I punish him with my bitterness over making me live with these two choices and my inability to do what I always believed I would do and should do if infidelity ever happened. Jeez this is messed up.

It’s like you poor souls are reading my thoughts. I have been delayed in my surfacing of anger and resentment, but at just under 3 years post DDay, I’ve been feeling anger towards my WW and her AP for selfishly putting me in this place I don’t want to be. It is exhausting drudging along in this abyss. I have fortunately found a very good IC and we are working through it. For the first time since it all came to the surface, I’m seeing hope, not for my WW and I as a couple, but for me to be happy with or without her. Had she chosen to put actual effort into healing the damage she caused, I feel certain I’d be much further along, but alas, it was not meant to be I guess. It is, however, a very crappy place to have to exist. Thank you all for acknowledging that it’s not just me who feels this way.

I can choose between two things I never wanted. To divorce or stay married to a cheater.

This is so perfectly put.

And this is possible, too:

For the first time since it all came to the surface, I’m seeing hope, not for my WW and I as a couple, but for me to be happy with or without her.

We BSes have to choose between D and living with a cheater, but we also have to choose how to live our lives, and we are not doomed to lives of pain. We can choose to process the pain out of our bodies, though not our memories, and life really can get good after being betrayed - sometimes, though, one has to give up trying to control the outcome. One always has to follow a path that isn't blocked, though.

I know that 'with or without WS' concept may be hard to understand. If you're having difficulty with it, there's no shame in finding good help.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:28 PM, Sunday, January 14th]

This is where I think forgiveness comes in. Forgiving yourself that is!

My focus has been to forgive me. I don’t forgive my husband. I’m okay with that. I cannot, currently, see how I can forgive someone who was prepared to blow up their kids lives for arse smoke and ego kibbles. Maybe time will change that. Maybe not. It doesn’t matter as I also forgive me for not forgiving him. 😁

Abcd89 is on to something here. Forgive yourself.

I came across one of those feelgood type memes a few months ago and it hit me like a ton of bricks. "Forgive yourself for what you didn't know when you didn't know it"

Even though I am years from DDay, it hit home.

You are actually choosing what is right for you at this tlme. That may or may not change, but choosing what you want, even in the moment is something to be proud of. I chose to stay ( still here and happy) for me, not him. What staying with him offered me financially and even emotionally made it the best choice for me then and now. I don’t think that will change, but I’ve learned to never say never. Always choose you and hold your head high.