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I can’t help but wonder how many people knew about WH affair, especially Wh family. It made it terribly hard to make it through Christmas with his family. To those that knew about the affair I hold you accountable too and have no trust whatsoever with you as well. Knowing and not telling or speaking up to the WAyward makes you a supporter of the lies and betrayal.

If people would take a stand and hold people accountable there would be much less tolerance for such behavior. Many moons ago the community would gather together and take these situations in their own hands.

To the other men/women that are involved as the other is that the kind of relationship you want? Do you not realize if he/she does it with you they would also cheat on you. There is nothing special about the lies they share with you.

I understand your feelings of betrayal, and can def. see where you're coming from. People don't speak up for a variety of reasons including fear of the BS (or the WW) turning on them, or causing a rift in the relationship. I'm sure there are many other reasons as well.

But honestly, this guy has been doing this for a long time. At this point, I feel all the blame goes to him. You have to ask yourself how many more D days you will allow to happen before you've finally had enough.

I hear you and agree with you. But i will add that before I was cheated on, i grossly underestimated the pain and damage it causes. I was never okay with it, but I did subscribe to a little bit of the "must be something wrong in the M" theory. And it is one of those things where you have to walk a mile in these shoes to really understand.

And for me, that was part of why I had to D. I needed to be away from ALL the people who either knew or were suspicious and didn't tell me.

But remember, they are who they are. You have to accept that or remove them from your life. One of the many "gifts" of As that keeps on giving. They did not owe you anything or make vows to you. They should have confronted him or told you, but in the end it was all on him.

Sorry you are hurting today.

I told my best friend if he ever considered the path of infidelity I’d drop him as a friend. I won’t tolerate that behavior with people I’m friends with. My WW’s best friend knew about it and had the gall to tell me she supported our marriage. What utter bullshit that statement is. I’ll never speak to her again in my life, which makes my wife’s friendship with her difficult but hey, all they both had to do was take the honorable path and talk out issues instead of acting them out. But here we are so. 🤷🏼‍♂️

I moved to Florida after my divorce because I needed to get far, far away so I could heal. My high school friend came to visit and ended up buying a place in the same retirement community.

We went to dinner one evening and she proceeded to tell me about 3 different affairs she had had with married men. She knew what I had been going through and I couldn't believe what she was telling me.

I was speechless for awhile but when she started making jokes and laughing about the man's wife, I lost it!

Seriously, I lost it! She seemed to be so surprised that I reacted the way I did. I told her I thought she was disgusting and I had lost all respect for her. She started crying and apologized but it was too late...

The relationship was over. I have no tolerance for people who have affairs, I just don't!

This really bothers me, too. Prior to STBXH telling me about the A I used to go to dinner on a regular basis with AP (yup, she pretended to be my friend throughout the affair) and another woman who worked with STBXH and AP. It was a girls' dinner.

After finding out about the A I texted the 3rd woman who would join us for dinner asking, "Did you know?" and she never even bothered to respond. What a piece of crap.

There was another woman who worked with them who had befriended me and whose H had cheated on her with her sister and left her for that sister. After finding out about the A I texted her, as well, and she never responded. I thought for sure she'd be my ally, as someone who'd been through it. She never even bothered to respond to my texts, either. I now suspect she either also slept with my STBXH or knew about and helped facilitate the affair. I can let it go with some people because, as Bearly said, most people don't know or understand the devastation. For this woman, who experienced it, I absolutely cannot forgive.

Friends knew, my sister in law knew, hell it seems like everyone knew before I did. The thing is people just don't want to get involved. I know how embarrassing it is and how much it hurts but the one who needs to take the most wrath is the WS. They are the ones who opened this door and made that bed. It feels a whole hell of a lot better when you expose and better yet leave the WS.

To the other men/women that are involved as the other is that the kind of relationship you want? Do you not realize if he/she does it with you they would also cheat on you. There is nothing special about the lies they share with you.

They don't care or they wouldn't be doing it. They also think they are different lol so delusional and egocentric.

And for me, that was part of why I had to D. I needed to be away from ALL the people who either knew or were suspicious and didn't tell me.

Same I went out with a bang! Feels great leaving all those losers behind.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:30 PM, Tuesday, January 2nd]

After years of IC, healing, etc. I have come to accept the fact that WH LTA was the best non-kept secret around.
While people may know have KNOWN I'm sure many suspected. Let's face it, there is a vibe given off.

After years of self denial, WH has come to realize this was probably fact.

Together, as we are reconciling, we accept we can't control others thoughts and [occasional snide remarks] all we can control is our actions individually and as a couple. Which is to hold our heads high and be a good couple. Others can say/do as they please.

That was a hard thing to do. Years of triggers every time I even though someone may have thought something back in the day.

However, there are those that did KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt and did nothing. Most of those people we no longer associate with. There are a few who's circles overlap occasionally and we keep them at arms length.

I feel the exact same way. I hold all of the enablers responsible for their actions. It's ok to disrespect someone else's family because you assume it could never happen to you, right?

I am also sympathetic to people who know and feel they can't say anything.

Many moons ago, before I was married and cheated on, I started "talking" to a coworker who led me to believe he was single. We kissed and talked almost daily and he love-bombed into the middle ages. Then... I discovered he had a gf. I was livid when I confronted him but expected him to be apologetic to me, seeing as how he was so crazy-obsessed with me (read: the fog). But the instant I confronted him and he realized I was not going to be his mistress, he flipped on me. It was a Jekyll-Hyde 180 that I did not see coming.

He attacked me, saying he assumed I knew and was ok with it. (Typical WW behavior.) He also implied I was foolish for thinking he wanted to date me ("Well, you said I was the girl of your dreams this morning, so yeah, I thought you wanted to date me").

Anyway, I was mortified. Professionally, I was worried it would get out around the office and that I'd be in for other repercussions, and I just wanted the whole situation to go away as fast as possible. So I never reached out to the gf. The coworker was fired a month later, so that problem was solved.

But over the years, I would check up on them and wonder if I should tell the gf. But the thought of repercussions always stopped me, e.g., he would blame me or say I was equally culpable or even that I'm retaliating because he didn't like me. And I don't know the gf or how she'd react. I became more obsessed with idea of telling her after I was on the receiving end of infidelity. But still, I decided I didn't deserve any terrible consequences since I wasn't a willing participant and ultimately never said anything.

Anyway, now, 10 years later, they are finally broken up. But I still know I'm someone who knew and said nothing.

My ex didn't tell a soul about his A with OM.

So, there was no one that knew.

I can so relate with the feeling of betrayal when others knew and didn't tell.

EmotionalHell, I'm with you on this. I too wondered how many people knew what was going on. AS Crazyblindsided states; it seems like everyone knew. This is the confused state I was in and to an extent am still wondering.

We were quite young at the time of my WW's affair with her boss. I was clueless and shocked when she admitted to it me, appologizing and didnt want to screw up our relationship. We were starting out planning a house and to start a family. I didn't see it coming

Between my work and involvement with local organizations, I knew many acquaintances were having affairs that weren't exactly secrets. Some/several were well respected leaders in my community. I was always uncomfortable knowing this.

That was 3 decades ago. We did a lot of rug sweeping and it has reared its ugly head again. Not with new or continued infidelity but me being hit hard with ptsd, triggered when I learned my daughter is the victim of infidelity. Over the years only a few conversations have occurred regarding my WW's affair. Trickle Truth has taken a toll.

To this day I wonder who else knew. In the beginning it was crushing. The anxiety walking around town, in and out of stores schools, wherever was at times nearly debilitating. My wife swears no one else knows. Im not dumb and can make observations myself and conclude so can others in her office. Although we live in a small community, none of her coworkers were in our social circle before her employment, nor with any of our family. there are connections with other common acquaintances. One person I'm reasonably sure is aware is the owner of the house where they would rendezvous. He too was a cheater and this was a play house. He ultimately got busted with an underage girl. Hes out of jail now and I occasionaly cross paths with him. Makes me sick. As for the AP, he's long gone, divorced a couple of times. I haven't seen him in many years. At one point though he was respected in town and we had common acquaintances so I still wonder who knew. Neither my wife nor I shared our story with anyone. As close to her mom as she was Im suprised she didnt share. I froze, I couldn't bear to bring this up with any family or friends. This is likely why the ptsd has hit me so hard.

I mentioned my daughter earlier and no, we didn't share with her. I will say this about her situation. She discovered through texts on a synced computer of her husbands affair. Several months later she learned of another affair. This time from a male coworker and his wife. They realized her husband was the AP of a family member of theirs. This young couple showed great courage in sharing their knowledge with her. There are still good people in this world.

This forum is theraputic for me, one who hasn't spoke a word of question,doubt,or pain to anyone,ever, until this last year. I am forever greatful for my IC therapist and all of your comments and experiences. God bless you all.

It was common knowledge among the workman doing our renovation that my wife was screwing the electrician. In fact he bragged repeatedly about how he could get middle aged yoga moms to cheat on their husbands even in good marriages. He felt with enough work on his part, almost all of them would fall. Even those who never entertained an affair, if you can call just having rough sex that. He even proved it by having her give him a blow job in a more central part of the house, told his friends his plans, then ejaculated on her shirt. She walked out of the room with a stain and all the guys saw.

One of the workers who was doing some side jobs for me had enough when he saw that and tipped me off. That led to the bust.

She had to endure a few more weeks of the guys being there (the electrician was fired) and had to live with the humiliating looks. Especially a few days later when beds were replaced while they were there.

She never told any friends as she hers was humiliated by her actions

My EXWW'S best friend knew and said nothing, most likely because suspect she had probably cheated on her husband when she went away to school. She sees herself as a Wiseman ethical person, so taking a hard line on cheating would have been hypocritical (insert eyeroll). In the end, my EXWW's cheating went to far one night and she was forced to confront it. But instead of telling me (we had known each other for 25 years as well), she phoned my best friend, who immediately dealt with it. He called my WW and gave her a week to tell me or he would.

Funny, she begged, pleaded and swore every oath under earth and heaven, desperate to save a M she claims he had lost interest in.

The fact that my friend of over 30 years was willing to lose our friendship bybtelling me the truth, surely shines a light on the nature of my EXWW's friendship.

My friend and I are closer than ever as I trust him like I trust no one else.