SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Pity post but it’s honestly how I feel

It’s been 7 years since separation. That happened two day before Xmas.

I have kids who were very little at the time. Youngest is now double digits this year.

Christmas and my birthday I find are the hardest two days of the year. Christmas is way worse because I have to split the time with my kids.

But this days are reminders that life is not how I would like it to be. Even though I have dated over the years, I’ve never been partnered at Xmas time. So basically I don’t received a special present. At first my WH bought a present from the kids for me. I could never bring myself to do this as it felt like buying a gift for my abuser. He repartnered that first year so I felt his girlfriend can help the kids do that instead which is more appropriate. After a few years he stopped buying something from the kids.

My middle child is always very conscious of trying to buy a present for me which is super sweet and she gets the other involved. I have to give them the money to buy something for me.

But it’s never the same as having a partner who is actually thinking of you. And making you feel special. I miss it terribly. As I exited the shopping centre last night it really hit home and I got emotional and had to hide that from my girls.

So I’m feeling that pity party. I know I can force myself of snap out of it but somehow that is denying my feelings at the same time.

Does anybody find this time of year hard?

In my 20s - living far away from home - spent few 12/25s by myself.
When I was in USN - I would swap duty watch for the family men so they could spend their time at home that day.

I understood that family comes first and people plan their time with their relatives.

I would fix myself a double-scotch and watch TV. (Except when I was on watch!)

Tortured, you are far from alone with those "on the outside looking in" feelings, which for people like us seems to be a life theme. And it isn't only single people who can feel this way. Just today, running errands to get gifts for people who won't even understand why I bothered, it hit me: because I'm still in the same situation with my WH, and people only see the fact he's still around, I get no invitations to join people or relatives - either on Thanksgiving or during other holidays when most folks connect with their family. I have family, but they are distant and I think I'm assumed to be "doing fine out here" so long as there's a man in my house!

But it isn't the gift you really miss, is it?

And don't let all the holiday television images and ads fool you; if the divorce rate is really as high as fifty percent, a lot of these cozy couples you see strolling about may be on the rocks by next year.

Not that that thought helps. Sorry, it's just tough, I know. Nice of your DD to still try, though. I have no children.

You should buy yourself a special gift and wrap it up, it's not quite the same no, but you deserve to be treated.

Like the Miley Cyrus song:

I can buy myself flowers
Write my name in the sand
Talk to myself for hours
Say things you don't understand
I can take myself dancing
And I can hold my own hand
Yeah, I can love me better than you can

Love yourself, take joy in your children and the life that you have.

Many of those "happy" couples buying gifts and doing all the things, are cheating, being mean or even just being indifferent.

You should buy yourself a special gift and wrap it up, it's not quite the same no, but you deserve to be treated.

Agree. I'm sorry this time of year is tough for you, Tortured.

I make it day for me. I make my dad’s famous beef Bourginion, watch my favorite Xmas movies, call the people I love (or text them).
I also participate in the SI Xmas card exchange and open all the fun sparkly cards on Xmas day. I journal, take a nap, and think about how I am blessed, not what I am missing. And I donate gifts through our local volunteer giving center to those with less- it really helps me. I always pick the little old ladies with no family… I wonder why I relate to them?

It is hard. But you can still make it magical. I am sure it being so close to your DDAY makes it harder (my XWH left a few days before my 50th bday), but don’t let him steal this from you.

Hang in there. You have kids who love you. That’s better than any present. (My cats don’t get me squat. Just leave "gifts" in the litter box for me to clean up. ;-). )

I hope you find that peace for yourself this holiday.

I remember saving the present from a coworker to open Christmas morning, just so I had something to open when the kids were little. It just made me feel better.

I reflected back to my own divorced mom opening gifts on Christmas one year when I was little. She went self-shopping and bought herself things she normally would not have splurged on in everyday life (silky jammies, etc).

So I encourage you to find a way to make it special for you with or without a partner.

I know when you are out and about; it feels like everyone is having the perfect little holiday. But that is really not the case. So many are sitting home alone as well (or worse, lonely WITH a partner). Whether they lost a relationship, lost a spouse, lost a child. Many are out there grieving an ideal Christmas that just is not going to happen.

So try to find something to help life your spirits. Whether it is a self-splurge or opting to go help at a food shelter while your kiddos are at their fathers. It doesn't have to be anything big - just something that makes you feel good.

As Superesse suggested, it is probably really not about missing the actual gift when it comes down to it.

I agree that the gift is symbolic of the lack receiving love / being loved in general rather than it being just about a gift.

That’s why buying myself something doesn’t make me feel any better. And things are a bit tighter this year so I’m a little more reluctant to gift to myself in any case.

It’s so true that Christmas is a hard day for many. Those who are lonely or who lost loved ones and will have Christmas without them. Plus like it’s been pointed out, there will be lots having false xmases or ones where they don’t even realise their partner is a wayward and has secretly bought a present for their affair partner.

Next year I plan on participating in the Xmas card exchange. I am on and off this site over the years and only saw that for the first time this year about two days after the cutoff date.

Thanks fellow SIs for kind reminders. Christmas to you all.

[This message edited by MySolstice at 6:27 PM, Monday, December 25th]

Just an idea but something I did on holidays (after the D) is to volunteer at our big city holiday dinner for the homeless. My daughter and I used to plan OUR time on holidays around the time we needed to volunteer. Nothing in the world beats helping others and seeing little children get full tummies and gifts -- to drive away the blues, especially on Christmas. Because of covid and my health issues, I've had to refrain from doing the volunteering and I sure miss it. Hopefully 2024 I can get back to doing that. Get your kiddos involved too, especially if they are in their teens.