SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, I’m back. This time I see how pathetic he is in his attempt to lure other women to him. Via text message. Very obvious he has an ego problem. Now I just want to make it through the holidays. I don’t want a divorce. Just want this chapter of my life behind me.
Why did I ever think he could change.

I’m so sorry.

It’s so painful…. Why don’t you want a divorce? What are you getting from this situation that’s worth this feeling?

Absolutely no judgement. We are similar age and I understand that the dating merry go round is not a fun prospect. It’s just that staying will also eat your soul.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this crap again.

I'm sorry you are going through this again, after going through it once, seeing the pain he caused, and then to do it again, he will not change without hard consequences. If you don't D then what do you want? You need to take care of yourself first.

The reasons I don’t want to divorce at this point are are complex. Finances, Insurance etc. Maybe I should make a 2 year plan to get my ducks in a row..I have mentally separated myself from him this time. Mentally preparing myself to be alone. If that makes sense. I already feel like a single married woman.

I like the plan B part of your strategy and mentally separating yourself from him.

Make sure you put yourself first. In everything. Career, goals, social activities, etc.

For me, I made serious changes in my life to make sure I put myself first. Always. My kids are young adults and don’t need me 24/7.

I think you are doing what is best for right now, but you also need to do what is best for your future, whatever that may be.

I second what The1stWife just posted.

I was going to say "don't be like me and stay in this limbo because it can drag on for the rest of your life."

My 2nd marriage, no children, and after going through D-Day 2 on my birthday in 2014, I saw a lawyer, got a strong post-nup to separate our real properties, rather than the usual clause "in case we divorce." We executed "deeds of gift" to which he was agreeable (he didn't want to D). At least it secured me a home, but I'd retired from paid work years earlier, spent those years working on 2 home renovations and wasn't ready to draw SSI early. Those were my reasons why I "agreed" to stay legally married. My heart wasn't in continuing this M.

Fast forward almost a DECADE and he and I still live separately in my house. He pays daily living expenses, I pay the taxes and massive annual insurance. Other than his financial contributions, I've yet to see him start trying to repair the tremendous intimacy damage his 2nd foray into prostitution did to our M - and we were already hanging together only by economic threads, back then. He seems content to not lose his status as "married man" in a small community where the neighbors all got to read the local news about his arrest. I guess he feels he's been given a pass. But doing this dance keeps me stuck because...I guess it's inertia.

We can always find more reasons to tell ourselves not to jump out into the cold cruel world at this age. Yet being married to a serial cheater is cruel in itself, right? And then, even if they stop acting out, you cannot be sure when something else will trigger the behavior again. (My H was diagnosed as a SA). I cannot imagine getting that trust back. Plus we are not well-matched in many respects, so it's a grind.

But now I'm almost 73; all my younger siblings have died. Feels like time is running out to make any moves. And although there has not been another physical infidelity I've discovered, I did find him in bed with a burner phone he had lied about for 6 years after we did the Post-Nup. I had him move out of my house into a camper for the rest of the year until it got bitter cold, I took pity on him and allowed him a room and a bath in the house, OR he could go ahead and rent a house somewhere, and quit trying to pretend he wanted this M. He stayed. This is NOT how I want to live.

I will add that even after you get your ducks in a row and know you can be OK, it may not be a piece of cake to end the M or leave.

Think of how you want your life to look when you're my age.

My departure from my WH took me about 2.5 years from start (aka - I'm mentally done with this bullshit and I just want to be free of the A and the lies and all of it) through departure fantasy (I am ready to just leave all my stuff and drive off into the sunset) to "finish" (aka - house bought, new job obtained, and stuff moved). My reasons were largely financial and career related: I was going to be broke if I just moved out and left, and as I had no where local to go I likely would have ruined my career by just up and moving right when my "start" moment occurred.

I fought the urge to leave all the time because "wanting this chapter of my life over" really meant (at least for me) taking control of my life and moving away from all of his toxicity. It also meant I needed a plan, and my plan was going to take the better part of 12-18 months to really make happen. Then COVID came along and extended my departure by a good 9 months, but I cannot tell you HOW MUCH BETTER I FELT ONCE I STARTED TAKING THOSE FIRST STEPS TO FREEING MYSELF. Just knowing I was working towards having options that did not include any reliance on my WH was immensely mentally helpful. I cannot describe how fast I felt better - not perfect by any means - but more like me again.

The after effects are: I do not have as much money (expendable income) as I used to, and I certainly struggled mightily financially for awhile. Had I not stretched myself to buy the house I did it would not have been as hard, and there I times I regret buying the house (even though I love it - it's been a lot more expensive to maintain than I had planned) - it is the cost of the house that I (sometimes) regret. I DO NOT regret buying something and moving out and moving on. I do not regret the freedom and control I have over my own life. As a bonus, while I thought I had totally screwed up my "dream job" during the A, the fact that I had to move on, look for other work, and really focus on my career ended up in me finding a better job than that one I had thought was the best job ever - I didn't end up with the "dream job" but the ultimate I-won-the-lottery-and-life-was-magical-ever-after dream job.

I highly recommend working towards getting free of your WS - start making plans that would allow you to leave - even if it takes years. Having a plan is always a good idea, even in the best of relationships you never know when something will happen leaving you on your own. Talk to people over in the separation/divorce forums about what they did not get themselves prepared. Start focusing on yourself. If you have to live like you are separated in your mind to focus on you - do it. Do whatever it takes - limbo is just You can do this - if you are living like a married single person why not start working towards just being single for realz?