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13 months from DD and have been struggling for a long time now, increasingly, with knowing what is true, has been true. Doubting my own memories, perceptions and justifications. This might turn into a bit of a ramble as I try to get my thoughts straight, but I'm wondering if others perhaps struggle with the same thoughts?
I've always had a pretty black and white approach to truth. Obviously I know there are always as many variations of truth as humans involved in any matter, and one single objective truth is always hard to come by. But at least I've always been fairly certain of MY truth, my view, my memories, my role in things etc. Lately, I am losing this certainty. I am doubting everything, even my own memories, my own perspective and my own feelings.

I used to be so sure that I knew who my H was. We can never know any person completely obviously, but having been together for more than half our lives, I thought I had a pretty decent picture of who he was. I also thought I knew who we were, as a couple and family, and by extension, who I was. As we all know ass BSs, DD brings this house of cards all crashing down and suddenly it's like we have no idea who we are living with anymore.
Early on I noticed my WH suffering from some typical 'fog' of sorts but most of that cleared up pretty quickly and he snapped out of it. However, now I'm starting to think as time passes, have I been in my own sort of fog of sorts as well? and what then has the 'truth' been? We talk about the rosy coloured glasses coming off and our spouses coming off the pedestal on DD. That part is still pretty straight forward and logical to me. But the more complicated issue now is I am starting to question everything. Not just from the 2,5 months the A was ongoing, but all the way back, 20+ years we've been together. Now I don't just question who he has been, what our marriage has been, but also who I have been and what I THOUGHT I was and we were. A few things have contributed to this besides the A itself obviously:

Immediately after DD he gave me full access to all his accounts. As I delved deep into his social media years back to check if there had been other As, I realised he had sides to him, not just in the affair, but with his colleagues and friends that I never really knew he had. Obviously we all work this way, we aren't the exact same person with two people. Different people and situations bring out different sides to us, locker room jokes with the guys aren't meant for the wife's ears and so forth, but still this has made me think have I ever really known him at all? There are just so many sides to him I have never had access to for all this time, so many 'secrets' I suppose they feel like even thought they aren't exactly that, just sides of a person I haven't seen. Nothing shocking or disturbing, just new and that's unnerving.

We were in trouble in our M long before the affair. I know this for sure and it isn't a construction of his fog after the fact, because we were in MC a year before it started and I was the one who dragged him there as a last ditch effort to salvage us because I had been deeply unhappy for years. However, I was pretty sure I knew back then that I was the more unhappy one, and to be frank, that he was the bad guy (even before the affair) and the one that needed to pull his head out of his ass to save our marriage. I was also completely certain he would never leave, that I would be the one to leave if anyone, and that he would never cheat (HAH what an idiot I was), in fact, I thought if anyone would be more prone to cheat it would be me, as I was so desperately unhappy but still in love with him. DD hit like a ton of bricks and even though his unhappiness in no way excuses his A and he hasn't used it as an excuse either apart from maybe the first 24h, it still shocked me to find out in MC that also he had been so severely unhappy in our marriage as well. He had always just communicated that the only thing he wished to change was for me to stop complaining basically. He never really expressed any unhappiness apart from me complaining about how unhappy I was. (yes he's severely avoidant). This has forced me to some uncomfortable introspection, which hasn't exactly been made easier by his A that makes me feel entitled to feeling like he is the bad guy that needs to fix things and I am the traumatised victim. But obviously we also need to look at the issues going back way before the A, and in those I am not innocent.

I've been talking with one close female friend about this for years and writing in my diaries so I have a written record of our issues and my own unhappiness in the M. However, I am, to a fault, extremely romantic, sentimental and attached and this has filtered the way I've viewed our lives together. So even through all our issues I always felt so in love with my WH. I really wore rose tinted glasses, not just towards him, but our relationship. I always had this idea and feeling we were still despite our troubles meant to be, special and all that laadidaa. I wonder if this isn't in part what kept us afloat for many years, my wanting us, him, our life so much that I just loved us back to life again and again. And he just never left I guess but was very passive. This has meant that even though we struggled, my image of our years together has been mostly positive. I view our years together as slightly troubled but good. Not so for my WH. When WH first started saying that we have been in big trouble and not happy for the most part for years I protested and felt it was his fog rearing it's head, something to justify or minimise the impact of his A. Like it wasn't as bad if the marriage he broke was already broken. But lately I've started to think, maybe this isn't his fog, maybe it's MY fog? my rosy coloured fog? I'm starting to think that I have wanted and needed this M so badly (reasons to that is an entire novel due to Childhood PTSD so lets not go there) that I have managed to always put them back on after every horrible argument or issue where I during the years felt I can not do this anymore. I always managed to lure out that loving feeling for him and patch things up again and I've maintained this image of us as this wonderful couple that fights but loves so deeply. Now I am wondering, was I the one in the fog all along? Was I viewing us and him and myself through my rosy filter? And for how long? I suppose the 'objective truth' if ever there is one, lies somewhere in the middle between my rosy picture of who we were and his darkened A-fog version, but I am struggling these days to discern even my own truth. Much less ours.

I always felt I was so in love with him, but I am learning in MC that I wasn't acting loving towards him and he did not feel loved by me. I know this is true (and not just fog) as I was bitter and unhappy for so many years, I know I was unforgiving and harsh. So then who was I really? My picture of myself has been the unhappy loving wife, but is that who I was only in my head and not who I in fact acted as? (again none of this has been discussed as an excuse or explanation to the A) so then, which is true? both I guess, but then both versions of what went on is also true? As are our versions of what our marriage has been like the past several years. Those of you who have read my previous threads know I also was completely sure I had not had an A of my own and now post DD and learning about all types of As in books and MC have had to face the fact that I probably had an EA earlier without at the time realising that was what I had. Again something that makes me doubt my own wits and feelings and perceptions which is just maddening. How could I not have realised? All of this has me questioning everything and it feels like falling down a rabbit hole. It's one thing to not be sure who you've been sharing your life with for the past 20+ years, or what your marriage has been, but what if you don't even know who you have been yourself and if who you thought you were is true or not? Not just in regards to what you were to your WH, but in general. How does one find one's footing again in this mess where you no longer know anything at all to be true? When there is nothing certain to hod on to anymore? It's unnerving to think I may have been lying to myself about everything for years and years. I feel completely lost.

I empathize deeply with you here. In the wake of the trauma, it’s important to keep a firm firm grip on the stabilizing truth that the A is not the betrayed’s fault, it is fully on the wayward. But the explosion of D-day is indiscriminant and it has a way of blowing away any untruths in the relationship. It sucks, it only makes healing all the more complex for the betrayed as this new trauma is so front and center, and yet all our old scars and half truths are exposed. It’s helpful to be able to stand in the shelter of being the righteous victim, and we have a real right to that place for the offense of the A. But we are complex and multifaceted and staying too long in that shelter can become dishonest and unhelpful. Those are my thoughts on it anyway.

I deeply applaud you for the introspection and self awareness and vulnerability you are showing here.

I can relate to what you're saying about having a rosy view of your relationship. Even though I don't believe in things like soul mates, I still sort of thought the STBXH and I were exactly that. We met waiting for an elevator at a work conference and he moved to my state a few months later to be together. Prior to the A, we spent all our time together.

About a month before he admitted to having the A, I saw a naked picture of him on his phone. He lied and said he'd been talking to people online, sharing pictures with what he called "unappreciated housewives." I know, I know, I was dumb to believe him. I went into pick me mode and tried everything to fix what he said was wrong with the relationship, complaints I was mostly hearing for the first time. Where my story is similar to yours is even through this, I genuinely believed this was just a bump in the road, a thing to overcome in what would be our lifelong love story. I really thought we'd look back in 20 years, grateful we'd worked to fix the marriage.

Now, we're divorcing and he's living with AP. Some love story.

My WS childhood abuse experiences definitely contributed to her pushes/pulls that led to an her EA with an occupational therapist after breast cancer surgery, but she doesn’t blame her choices on that. She admits it was her own unhappiness within herself that was at the core of her poor decisions. We both have done some much introspection trying to figure out who we really are and have been. Thankfully, as Christians we find our security and solidifying hope in our identity in Christ!

She has mentioned to me that of all the books, counseling, and advice we have received since DD, the most valuable has been from "The Happy Wife School" on YouTube…

Praying for you to find clarity and purpose in your life…

I can relate to so much of what you write. I have a thread from when I first started posting (no idea how to find it now) where I also realized after dday- if I didn’t have an EA years ago, that I was on slippery slope at the very least. Makes me sick now.

I have done a lot of introspection as well and can’t believe how blind I was to the way I was treated in my marriage. I’d just take the hits (not literally), walk on eggshells and keep the peace, trying to keep everyone happy. I’d always try to look at the positive side of things and thought life was pretty okay. And then I looked back at what I thought was a good upbringing, was actually kind of messed up. I am still kind of shocked and processing that.

Also, I will say that I too went through emails, texts etc and thought who is this guy!? The way he talked and things he said and exaggerated. It was all a show to get attention. To look like the cool guy. It was pathetic and even sickening to a point. Didn’t find other affairs but definitely bids for attention with coworkers.

This whole ordeal has been disorienting for me, for a while. Sometimes I think- who am I (and how pathetic) that I was so blind to how bad things were in my marriage?! And who is he?! Oh yeah and he is also avoidant. Many times after I’d nag, complain, whatever- I’d say what are your grievances with me? There must be something!? Crickets.

I’d almost say I’m at a point now where some of these other issues are almost equally as bothersome as the affair itself. The A will always be worse but I guess I feel they are intertwined.

Sorry you are struggling. You aren’t alone. Best wishes.

I think the best way to R includes what I see you doing: shattering illusions. That means tearing oneself down and putting oneself back together in the way you consciously choose.

The questions you ask about yourself, your H, and your M do have answers, but they tend to not come easily. You - we all - have missed some things we need to perceive, and we often need to reinterpret things we have already perceived. To do that, one has to put aside fear and shame.

So rebuilding oneself is difficult, but it also enables you to cut down on the things you don't like about yourself and build up what you do like. That applies to your H, too. You become masters of your own fate.

To live a good life, you need, IMO, to accept that there are many aspect of truth. The more complex the issue, the more potential aspects of truth there are. Some things you got wrong; those need to be changed. Some things you got right; keep 'em. Some thing you got partially right; that's where you need to add to your understanding.

I asked - and keep asking - tough questions about myself, my W, and my M, and I think I've benefited from doing that, so IMO, your best bet is to keep going. IMO, the answers to the questions you're asking seem likely to improve your life.

This is such a great post.

I realized after DDay that I had been selling myself a bill of goods for a long damn time, and refusing to see anything that didn't align with the story I was telling myself about who we were, who he was, who I was. There were very obvious red flags whipping in the wind, right in my face, and I wouldn't take heed. Dismantling the facade takes a long time, and is still happening all these years later. It's unsettling, but it's also liberating.

In the wake of the trauma, it’s important to keep a firm firm grip on the stabilizing truth that the A is not the betrayed’s fault, it is fully on the wayward. But the explosion of D-day is indiscriminant and it has a way of blowing away any untruths in the relationship. It sucks, it only makes healing all the more complex for the betrayed as this new trauma is so front and center, and yet all our old scars and half truths are exposed. It’s helpful to be able to stand in the shelter of being the righteous victim, and we have a real right to that place for the offense of the A. But we are complex and multifaceted and staying too long in that shelter can become dishonest and unhelpful. Those are my thoughts on it anyway.

1000 times, this. Very well said.

I deeply applaud you for the introspection and self awareness and vulnerability you are showing here.

Me too. Hang in there. Keep chewing on it.

I know a lot about the disorienting feelings you are having about your spouse, your marriage, your life, yourself.... It is the worst existential crisis to pass through, on top of sorting through the betrayal trauma. I feel for you and how hard this is, and know what a toll it can take on your mental and physical health. I hope you are practicing lots of self care.

Like you, I adored my husband and maybe looked at our lives through rose colored glasses. I thought we had an unbreakable bond of honesty and I was sure he was the most solid person I ever knew. I believed we knew each other as well as we could know a person. I fell hard and got pretty tangled up in my recovery. Trickle truth and multiple DDays made things much harder for me and my overthinking brain. I'm still working on feeling on solid ground again, but I am so much better than I was in the early years. It has taken me so much longer to get here than I wanted or planned, and I am learning to forgive myself for not meeting my expectations there. There really is no short cut I can find to healing, and I know I have had some of my own roadblocks to clear before I could heal.

I want to assure you that with time, you will see things as they were and as they are more clearly again. I spent a good five years trying to figure everything out, only to understand that it isn't really possible to know all of it. It's OK to take a good hard look at yourself and wonder what you might have done differently, or to feel a stranger to yourself after this crisis. I took a lot of comfort in reading how many of my thoughts and reactions were normal, and understanding that helped. The what next part is the hard part. Focusing on yourself when you have defined yourself through your relationship is a hard pivot, but necessary to your healing. Once you focus on healing you, then you can focus on learning who your spouse truly is and share who you know yourself to be.

With time you will find yourself having real personal growth in understanding yourself better, and understanding what you want and need in your life. I wish I had never gone through this upheaval but I know I am now grateful for the reboot in my life and the real hard look I was forced to take at myself too. Working through the negative emotions rooted in unhealthy thought patterns, and recognizing the unrealistic expectations I put on myself and others is where therapy has helped me the most to gain some perspective and start really looking forward. The nonstop questioning and wondering has faded into the background. I'm not sure if this is what acceptance looks like, but I'm not questioning my progress, just working on having more. It has become a literal goal for me to heal myself, to stop the unhealthy ruminating that comes so easily after trauma. The brain loves repetition. I'm ready for change, and I used to love the complacency and stability of my old life. I'm proud of myself for that growth, and it has not come easy at my age, but I'm determined to do more.

Focusing on yourself may be your first step toward peace of mind. That and time, and a good therapist to help you unpack all that your brain is trying to process and store. I waited years to go back to a therapist and try EMDR and for me it has been a blessing after a hard year or two where I just felt divided and sad, and like you, nothing was making sense. Somehow, I feel like my emotional baggage resorted and got more manageable, and the intense emotions became less each time I was triggered. I was really ready to try anything to move forward in peace with my life and my choices.

I have come to realize that all the looking back in the world isn't going to help me move forward. I am doing my very best to just be here now, and I have grounded myself in the person I know I am at my core, and the people I love who love me back. My life makes sense through that perspective. A lot of what has happened may never make sense to me. My heart might always feel a little broken. I can't change that, but I can spend my energy on figuring out what next rather than what was.

I hope you find what works for you, and I know for me it was a journey I took a lot of wrong turns figuring out. It took a lot of hard work, and lots of hugs, helping hands, useful articles, books and compassionate souls online to help me get here. We all heal and repair at our own pace. Take care of yourself on this journey. Look in to some books about healing from trauma betrayal like Living and Loving after Betrayal by Dr. Stosny. You will learn that all you are feeling now is normal in the aftermath, and you will learn the ways to start to move toward healing and repair through self compassion. Best to you.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 5:49 PM, Wednesday, December 13th]

Thank you all for your thoughtful answers to my rambling mess.

The questions you ask about yourself, your H, and your M do have answers, but they tend to not come easily. You - we all - have missed some things we need to perceive, and we often need to reinterpret things we have already perceived. To do that, one has to put aside fear and shame.

This is exactly where I am I suppose, realising I have missed things. I'm a pretty introspective person, or so I thought? and now I'm having to really start to take off my blinders. I'm trying to start to see my own actions and ways not only from my own perspective as I always have, from a perspective of feeling hurt and bitter and unloved, but also from how I must have acted and how I treated my husband due to this.

I think part of the problem has been that I have always been super communicative about my unhappiness while he was completely shut off and never expressed anything other than being fed up with med nagging him pretty much. This I suppose gave me the idea that I was the more unhappy one because I tried for years to lift issues and I finally dragged us into MC. I was the one leading most the conversations in MC because he mostly just sat there defensive and rolling his eyes pretty much. I knew I wasn't being loving or easy to live with either, but I am realising now I felt my being a crappy wife was some how more valid and understandable due to me being so unhappy AND voicing my unhappiness over and over and him not reacting at all. Since he was just shut off and stonewalling all the time I felt his being a shitty husband was more about him being shitty than about him being unhappy if that makes any sense? Realising he was probably just as unhappy as I was, but utterly incapable of communicating that in any way other than by shutting down hasn't been easy.

Starting to unravel stuff like this is difficult at any time, but I must say, in the aftermath of an A it's all the more difficult. Walking the fine line between realising I played a part in making our marriage bad but still not taking the blame for his A is no easy thing. I find it difficult to know where the line between taking responsibility for my own actions and impact on our marriage pre-A and risking blame shifting or rugsweeping of any sorts lies.

I realized after DDay that I had been selling myself a bill of goods for a long damn time, and refusing to see anything that didn't align with the story I was telling myself about who we were, who he was, who I was. There were very obvious red flags whipping in the wind, right in my face, and I wouldn't take heed. Dismantling the facade takes a long time, and is still happening all these years later. It's unsettling, but it's also liberating.

This is so spot on. So many red flags. Still I just told myself we would be ok because we were so in love

Walking the fine line between realising I played a part in making our marriage bad but still not taking the blame for his A is no easy thing. I find it difficult to know where the line between taking responsibility for my own actions and impact on our marriage pre-A and risking blame shifting or rugsweeping of any sorts lies.

The line might be thin, but it is blinking bright red with razor wire. He chose to cheat. Entirely that simple. For all the complexity in the situation, this is gloriously simple. The choice to entertain and engage in infidelity is 100% on the cheater.

I again applaud you for looking deep at yourself about your role in the pre-existing marriage dynamics (which are exactly 0% the reason he cheated). Gender atypically, my wife was the stonewaller in our relationship, I’ve been more introspective, so I totally get where you are coming from. And I also have had to deal with reality that I was blind to huge flaws in myself and the M. I remember first reading about Gottman’s four horsemen, thinking "oh shit, that’s us!" but then ignoring it because we were so special

I know it all seems overwhelming, but keeping taking bites of the elephant and you will look back in a few months and see progress. And if you want to R, this kind of self assessment can send a strong hope giving signal to the wayward, that after staring down their demons they have more to look forward to than a damaged version of where they were already miserable.

I'm a pretty introspective person, or so I thought?...

I think you'll look back on this period as one in which you questioned everything you thought you knew ... and found that you actually did know most of it. One of the most important healing tasks is (re)learning to trust oneself.

I'm having to really start to take off my blinders.

IME, that's pretty scary, but I believe I'm happier and a better person for doing that work.

*****

Fine line between being partially responsible for the problems (and good stuff) in the M but bearing no responsibility for the A? Yeah, sort of. OTOH, you were in the same M and didn't cheat. There are lots of possible explanations for that, but one of them is that you decided not to cheat for your own reasons and issues - just as your H decided to cheat for his. Looked at that way, it's not a fine line at all.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:22 PM, Friday, December 15th]