SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Didn't you,only recently, get full disclosure, and a timeline? If so,it's normal to have this question.

Also,just because other BS wouldn't want it,doesn't mean you shouldn't.

If you need it,you need it. So he needs to get it.

Yea, if you’re still getting relevant affair revelations a year and half out, that’s a problem.

Of course relevance is subjective, what may not seem relevant to him might be all important to you.

A timeline IS relevant and a minimum requirement needed BEFORE reconciliation.

How can you possibly begin looking forward when trickle truthery keeps setting you back, reopens wounds, moves goal posts, and basically offsets your entire understanding of what happened, the depth of betrayal, the terms of your reconciliatory deal, and forces you to re-evaluate…everything?

He wants you to balance your affair probing discussions with discussions of the future-which is good, but how can you do that when new relevant revelations are still trickling in, when you can’t wrap-up your investigation, your discovery phase and are constantly having to reopen your investigation?

Are the newly discovered details RELEVANT, truly revelatory, or are they just inconsequential details? Affairs involve A LOT of detail and human recall has severe limitations.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:22 PM, Wednesday, December 13th]

As I said earlier, I too am a details person. I wanted to flood every dark corner of the affair with blinding, unflattering examination room light. I wanted to spread the corpse of the affair, in anatomical position, across an autopsy table and expose every mystery of the affair, from alpha to omega, the entire pathological process. I did this to avoid overlooking important details, causality, the potential for reoccurrence, and to get inside my WS’s head in an attempt to make an assessment of her true nature, intentions and love for me.

This level of exposure also served to kill the glamour glow, the specialness of the affair exposing it for what I wished it to be, sordid, tawdry and lame.

I also did this because, I knew that any remaining dark unilluminated corners of the affair story would seductively-sadistically titillate my wild imagination. I would fill those dark voids with something much more relevant, extravagant than what actually happened, and I would torture myself with it.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:29 PM, Wednesday, December 13th]

My situation is a little different than yours. I was told, and I never confronted. We were much younger, and I was dependent on him financially for me and my very young children. Life went on. At one point, just out of the blue, I confronted him, and he did not have time to make up a lie so he admitted it. I don’t know if it was once or many times. I never ask another question. We have had a good marriage with some ups and downs but I don’t think he has ever done this again. His traveling job was promoted to management, and then he went into business for himself, with me, so he did not have the opportunity to travel anymore. Here’s what I did mentally to get around this. I look at it as a barrel of shit, and you have to use a shovel, and shovel, and shovel, and it reeks, and you gag, and you’re sick as a dog, and at the very bottom of the barrel you have to take a towel, and wipe it, and wipe it, and wipe it, until you can read the piece of paper that is on the bottom. And it says he had sex with other people because he wanted to have sex with other people. And that’s my reality. That is why I never asked another question. The answer is the same…he chose to do that to a wife who was always willing and whom he enjoyed. Evidently it wasn’t enough.

RealityBlows, it seems that you and I are cut from the same cloth. I wanted every last friggin' detail, down to the kind of gum she chewed and what she had for lunch.

I get wanting the date of the conference, but I would draw the line for myself at involving the boss to get it. JMO.

Are the newly discovered details RELEVANT, truly revelatory, or are they just inconsequential details? Affairs involve A LOT of detail and human recall has severe limitations.

My H is notoriously bad at remembering dates and details, and not just affair details. I know this about him. We still talk about the A sometimes, and it always surprises me how much he has forgotten, which I think is a good thing. (At this point.)

Also, getting the tiny details, like what kind of gum she preferred, means more triggers. Proceed with caution.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:26 PM, Wednesday, December 13th]

Its been more than a year since there has been any new info. The problem has been that he has done the Timeline at the pace of a snail.

The fact that he waited seven years to tell me 90% of what happened—and all the lying in the meantime—has meant I wanted proof. But, the only proof available was whether he could produce these details in a sustainable and consistent way. The cheating was weird, to be honest, which is one reason I have gone back with many questions. There just wasn’t as much talking as I hear about from other people. He was already on a sort of lockdown because I was clued in to something being amiss before the kissing even started. I was doing location tracking, constant phone checkins, and showing up frequently b/c I suspected this lady.

With a couple exceptions he could only see her at the actual office. So the hookups were fleeting, like she closes the door to his office starts kissing and they wrap it up quick before someone notices the shut door. In the beginning I just thought he was lying about this, so I just kept asking about their dialogue. What did you talk about? Did you say you cared about her? Did you talk about the future? But the consistent story has been that they never even really acknowledged verbally that they were making out. Only toward the end when he had to explain why she had to go work for someone else.

It sounds more like two profoundly stupid people making out and then returning to the public space to talk about office gossip and politics. This is consistent with what I heard on the VAR but it just seems weird to me. I think he was basically very avoidant with her. Occasionally she would say, “is this bad?” And he would go silent. But it has taken like a year to compile enough dialogue to fill like an hour. Yes, he could be lying. But a lot of the info I got in the beginning was because he would spill out more than maybe he wanted. And yet no accidental spills about any meaningful conversation.

I wanted the details to know if there were feelings discussed or comments on how special they made each other feel. Was he girlfriend/boyfriendy with her—kisses on the forehead or staring into each others eyes. I think I’m reaching the point of needing to close the book.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 1:11 AM, Thursday, December 14th]

Thanks for sharing. I hope you don’t feel any sense of judgment from me, I was just being curious about you and your situation. Each of our situations is unique and each of us individually is different.

Its been more than a year since there has been any new info. The problem has been that he has done the Timeline at the pace of a snail.

For as much truth as there is that the betrayed must heal themselves, when we are still with our betrayer, they can really influence us. My wife’s recent laying down of her efforts to control and put limitations on my questions really has made me feel better. Her telling me truth about the A that I could never have found out about have also brought a peace of mind. I hope your husband is helping you and not hindering.

Details and dates are also very important to me as they help me get a full view of what my life actually was vs. what I thought it was, and that helps me cope. I've gone through phone records and noted every single phone call between WH and one of his APs on my calendar with the length of each call. I also go through his texts to me from years ago and note when he was being sketchy and was probably with an AP, since he can't remember exact dates from that far back. Then I match it up to what I was doing that day through my calendar or pictures or social media.

It angers me--but it also helps me because these things are no longer behind my back. I don't have as much knowledge as they do, but I have some.

If you feel comfortable with your WH asking the CEO for this information, you should have him do it.