SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Rummaging around through some of the old boxes in my mind’s attic and came across something I see very differently now, metaphorically trying on that old wedding dress….

When I had begun dating XWH, I had just come out of a relationship where the guy just couldn’t seem to bring it across the marital line. It’s what ended the relationship and felt like time wasted. That was never going to happen again! (Forest vs trees failure - gear up the lesson, round two).

After six months or so of exclusivity, I told XWH that I would not waste my time if it began to look like we weren’t progressing toward marital commitment…that there would come a point where we would move on. We discussed what would be a reasonable reevaluation time and I set a date. I thought this was practicing good boundaries.

He drove it right up to the deadline date. I mean, we’re talking the very weekend. I felt like he was playing games (funny that!) and specifically made other plans just days before that weekend. It angered him. I felt empowered. (Boundaries! I shall not be runneth over! He will taketh me seriously!!) He proposed a few days after.

My word, was I foolish!! Because what he literally demonstrated to me is that he would only do what he had to do to keep me.

And such was my marriage. Always on the edge of losing me. Just a matter of where I was going to draw the line…and my ability to convince him that I was really serious. Worth also mentioning that my ability to hold that line became exhausted by his repeated attempts to always push it just a little beyond that…. It seems almost funny now to think, Fuck compatibility (bc we rarely fought) - it was a GD war zone!

Obviously the R period wasn’t going to be any different.

How did I miss this? How did I feel like I was practicing good boundaries - when I missed the point of actually needing these kinds of boundaries? Why did it not matter more that my boundaries became the stopgap for his behavior - rather than his own lack of an internal moral compass? (Or his values, priorities, etc for the other less deplorable behavior).

How would any, all, of it had been different if I had moved from a position of self-protection (with all that boundary work)…and instead just been an observer to who he was? Allowed him to just show me who he was - without the "threat" that my boundaries posed to that.

Perhaps I would have known.

Perhaps I just didn’t want to know.

Perhaps my boundaries were less about my own values and priorities (and truly reflective of my own self worth)…and perhaps they were more for the sake of molding him. The goal that was less about who he really was…and more about who I really wanted him to be.

It seems so simple and obvious now.

So perhaps - in the last of the "perhaps" - this late realization for me will serve someone else now in the moment.

First off, I adore your signature, I went and found a beautiful image with that quote and made it my wallpaper for a while.

To your post: it makes me think of recency bias, that we give most of our attention to the problem we most recently faced. The need for balance in something like committing to marriage is necessary, you can take too long and you can rush into it. You experienced a "wasting my time" problem and you vowed to never make that mistake again. But that probably pushed you too close to the other ditch. Sadly, it’s human nature. Keeping a balanced perspective of all the potential risks, regardless of our most recent bruise, is helpful in making optimal decisions. But it’s really hard to pull off in real time.

I have been the driving force for a lot of my WH’s behavior in the marriage and before that. Looking back there were red flags all over the place, huge signs right upto the day of our marriage. I had my blinders on, I remember being upset the day before our wedding because of something he did. I did not sleep all night . I woke up the day of the wedding deciding all was ok and that I was going to make the most of "my" special day. I wish I could go back and whack this foolish woman’s head and ask her to wake up.

Inky - I love that quote too! It gave me a right to my anger - after a childhood conditioning that had demonized anger, it has now become my friend. Maybe one of my best friends bc it actually cares about me.

Recency bias - have never heard that term but it makes perfect sense. It makes me wonder if one were a really manipulative person that such a human nature tendency could be used to control another person - ie, just light another fire to distract from the previous one.

I have been the driving force for a lot of my WH’s behavior in the marriage and before that.

Abalone - From all the years here I’ve noticed an inclination for this to be true for many BSs. It seems there is a tendency for them to be the "adult" in the relationship. It creates an interesting chicken vs the egg debate. I think it’s also why so many BSs are inclined to start the clean-up operation long before the WS has actually recognized or acknowledged the impact of the milk they spilt.

But I think it can also serve as a precautionary tale for us to truly examine our motives behind our "boundaries" - particularly post dday. If they aren’t rooted in and reflective of our authentic self worth then maybe they are just merely manipulation. Speaking from my own experience, manipulative victims are particularly dangerous - even to themselves.