SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Owing to @WontBeFooledAgai, and @cedarwoods posts, this is a spin-off to point out how brazen, emotionless and clueless a WS can be during D-Day and the fall-outs in the aftermath.

As a fBS, during our "talk" on D-Day, the outcome was that he left me to live with his AP. Maybe this was an example of an exit affair all along, but I did give him the "motivation" to leave on D-Day. Politely kicking him out of my house and life.

During our talk, fWH was in another reality. He was caught unprepared. The things he said were simply unreal. The one thing I remember clearly was his intention on remaining in our home, in another bedroom to continue carrying on with his AP. Really? What person (me) in their right mind would ever allow this? What reality was he living in? The one comment that pierced his reality was my telling him I would do everything in my power to make his life totally miserable should he decide to remain. It cemented my need to throw him out of my life on his ass.

His final comment as he left was he felt a sense of relief that he no longer has to hide, nor schedule travels in stealth mode, etc. Wow. Nothing about our 40 year marriage. Nothing. It was all about him.

What he experienced during our separation was the other fantasy. One in which the real living arrangements clashed with the fantasy of the cheater’s expectations. One where the cheater realizes what he threw away, what he misses, what living with the AP really was like. What was once "cute" was now frustrating. The loss of freedom to do as he pleased. The dilemmas surrounding visits with his family, his adult children, his grandchildren and me (to finalize our separation). The loss of privacy. Feeling like a guest with benefits. Yes, there were waning exciting moments. Sex, travels, activities, love. Unbelievably, he still footed the bills for the travels. There was some splitting of house expenses but I think this cheater realized he was taken advantage of his financial generosity during the actual affair. Strange, as his AP was very well off.

He settled for his AP, because:"that's where I want to be."

Over time, the cheater wanted to return to the familiar me. He did compare his life with AP with our life. I will generalize here, IMHO, many cheaters do compare. But there are absolutely no winners. Only survivors.

In ending, I will quote my fWH: " the grass is not greener on the other side". Ya buddy! You had to destroy lives in order to see that! My fWH was such a stupid, selfish acting man.

I'd like to add a caveat, his mum who passed away two weeks after my mum passed away, told me that she is grateful that I took him back. She also added he is a selfish person. Yikes. I can't wrap my head around her comment. But it almost gives me a vindication that what I saw was in fact real. Not my imagination.

I’d like to think that this story gives some insights to others.

You said it so well!

Our DDay stories are very similar. My H wanted to do IHS and sleep on the couch while he continued his A, for the sake of the kids. I agreed - for about 12 hours, until I woke up (literally and figuratively) and told him that if he wanted to carry on with her, he wasn't going to do it under the same roof as me. Thankfully, he was respectful of that and agreed to move to his mother's house, three blocks away.

What he experienced during our separation was the other fantasy. One in which the real living arrangements clashed with the fantasy of the cheater’s expectations. One where the cheater realizes what he threw away, what he misses, what living with the AP really was like. What was once "cute" was now frustrating.

My H never lived with the AP, but this is a great description of what happens when many As are dragged out into the light. Her overwhelming desire to be with him was comforting and exciting before DDay, and a terrible nuisance after, when all he wanted was space to process without input from anyone.

In ending, I will quote my fWH: " the grass is not greener on the other side".

I saw a hilarious adaptation of this quote: "The grass is greener on the other side because you're not over there messing it up."

Yes to living in a fantasy world! WH was considering moving out to get "space and clarity" both before and after DDay. He claimed he knew it would be crazy to jump into a relationship with his affair partner but let's be honest, they would have been seeing each other! But he made a couple comments about how he'd still come and hang out with the kids and things, and I had to point out that once he left the home and relationship he would no longer be welcome. He would be a guest in this house, not able to come and go as he pleased, having to schedule times to come pick up the kids. In his mind, somehow he thought he could have both. The normal home life he was used to and the escape hatch of having the freedom of his own place. I quickly cleared that up for him and that was a bit of a reality check. It's amazing how warped their thinking can be.

It's amazing how warped their thinking can be.

Agreed. Same exact experience TealChicken.

He assumed I’d sit around and wait even though he kept saying he wanted a D (but did nothing to move forward except continue to cheat).

Then when I snapped and told him I had enough and I was D him, he was SHOCKED I told him to move out immediately. He told me he wasn’t leaving b/c all of a sudden he wanted to R.

😂😂😂 another cheater who lost control and didn’t know what to do. Suddenly he’s all sad and depressed even though I gave him carte Blanche to be with the OW (I no longer cared).

We were talking shortly after Dday, and my WH recounted how he felt so elated after his AP returned his feelings that he wanted to rush home and share the news with me. I mean, in a way, I wish that had happened instead of him lying to me for 2.5 years. LOL

He thought we could be friends if he left me. The delusions they operate under are mind-blowing.

It took him nearly 10 months to come to his senses enough and admit that he was lying to himself in order to justify his actions.

There really MUST be an actual cheaters’ handbook out there. My WH also decided on DD that he would leave to fuck his AP and continue the affair but while living in our house and we’d be friends. When I asked what the kids would think, he had this great idea that we’d sit down together and tell them we’re ending it mutually. When I said absolutely not, if he left or tried to continue the affair, he would be homeless and the kids (along with everyone else we knew) would know exactly why- he was shocked! Lucky for him, he woke up REAL QUICK that same day because if he’d have left or had sex with her, I’d have certainly made all of that come true. He was completely delusional. Honestly he even LOOKED different when he was saying those things. He had dark, dead eyes and I’ve never seen him so detached.

There really MUST be an actual cheaters’ handbook out there.

My God, you are right! But I can't seem to find a copy and I read all the time.

I've been in libraries, bookstores, been to the self-help section, been to the section about affairs, perhaps you have to ask for it at the desk, and they keep it hidden and wrapped in brown paper under the counter! (Those of you who are older will know that this is how porn magazines used to be kept in many small stores in the USA).

I liken looking at the relationship with the affair partner, and comparing it to your marriage, to mopping the floor. It can be really frustrating to mop up the floor, especially when you have small kids, and pets, and you know the floor is going to be really dirty, really quick, and it's going to look like you didn't clean the house. After all, you still have to go back to walking on that nice clean shiny floor.

But somehow, you think with the affair partner, the floor will simply always be clean, magically, no mopping, and your feet will never touch the floor.

Yes, our marital floors were dirty, I/we did wear shoes in the house because there is nothing more painful to step on with bare/stocking feet than Legos.