SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How likely is it that an eight year relationship ends just because someone stopped having feelings for the other person? This is a couple that lived as if they were married and were planning to marry and have a family. According to the one who no longer has feelings, nothing happened. No big disagreements or differences of opinions.

I probably suspect cheating more than the average person due my BS status but this just seems off to me.

Almost every relationship that I have seen break up has involved a third person either already involved or waiting and ready to go.

What do you think?

I've always heard it said that most men don't usually leave a relationship unless there's someone else waiting in the wings, or there was an event that ended the relationship, like infidelity. I don't know how true that really is.

I think women are much more likely to leave just because they're not getting their needs met.

It's the guy saying he no longer has feelings but still cares about her.

I've heard the same thing SacredSoul.

I'd be side-eyeing that explanation, too. Unless she was a real piece of work.

She is not.

Nothing at all pointing to this outcome.

I think around these parts infidelity is almost assumed.

But I do know folks who lost feelings and moved on. Truth is, some folks end up in relationships that on paper look right and kind of go along due to expectations from others and not wanting to upset the apple cart it. It is very difficult to end a seemingly decent relationship. Who wants to hurt an innocent person? Who wants to answer the "why" from family and friends?

But it does happen.

IMO it should happen more. Because if one goes on in a relationship that has run it's course, well, they end up cheating.

A couple I knew - married and totally enamored with each other - bought a house - his and her cars - planning in a couple years for a child.

"husband" put a regulation top-of-the-line pool table in their dining room. Want to guess how well that went with wifey?

"husband" converted garage to "Hobby room" - wired/ac & heat/ walls and ceiling done nice. His hobby took the whole room.
Hobby? RC airplanes - any idea how much a large RC airplane costs? He had several and one or two under construction.

After the "hobby room" a year passed and - wait for it!!! - ya she moved out. She had her own employment before marriage and didn't need to assist in financing husband's hobby and payments on pool table. (his into 4 figures cost)

Ditto on a couple of other guys I used to hang with - got married - still into sports a couple days/evenings every week as well as glued to TV on weekends. And . . . THE BASS BOAT with the necessary high-end pickup truck to pull it. And going to fishing tournaments to the tune of hundreds of bucks a trip.

Ya, wifeys moved on to someone more family oriented.

Your acquaintance?

People tie the knot young when they haven't physically or emotionally matured and their perspective changes. Sometimes just to "blah." No disrespect or selfish behavior. Sort of like trying to coexist with a vegetarian when you're a red meat fan.

One good thing about the above splits - no 3rd party involved (human type) so the emotional upheaval avoided. mostly -

My W and I have had an agreement that if at any time you feel the need for something else we will amicably end the relationship, but no cheating, just honesty. Obviously she violated the agreement but if any time I change my mind about R, I can walk away without explanation. Looking at it from a BS point of view, most people have someone waiting in the wings if they decide to leave a relationship.

I don't know. I think cheating (or a desire to be with someone new) is obviously a possibility and I'd probably be suspicious too, but it's not the ONLY possibility. I assume if you are not involved in this relationship, you are not getting a full picture. Presumably if the breaker-upper does in fact care deeply for the other person they are attempting to protect that persons feelings, and are intentionally not raising every single petty little issue. Often a bunch of small things are not by themselves sufficient reason to break up, but seem bigger when placed all together. Maybe person X is incredibly avoidant and does not wish to argue about the little things.

If they were planning to marry and have a family, it may be that person X decided it was time to shit or get off the pot. Maybe person Y was always a placeholder for them, someone that was okay for the moment, but that they never saw as marriage material and now that there is pressure to commit, they realized they don't want to. Maybe person X is afraid to grow up and knows that Person Y is not willing to wait any longer. I imagine the prospect of marriage as the next logical step is probably the clock this person is working against.

Maybe they both became complacent in the relationship and Person X decided that they wanted something else that they didn't see happening with the other person.

Maybe the relationship has gotten boring.

Maybe there has been a loss of physical attraction over time or a sexual incompatibility and person X believes that means that they are no longer in love, or they are not willing to compromise on it.

Maybe the things that they had in common with at the beginning of the relationship are things that the person no longer values/sees as important. 8 years is a long time. The seven-year itch is a known phenomena. The honeymoon period has worn off.

Maybe something else has happened in the other persona's life that has them rethinking their goals/plans in life (death of a parent, a sibling's divorce, watching friends become parents, etc).

Maybe partner X is depressed, battling with substance abuse, or going through some sort of mid-life crisis.

Maybe they have differing views on money/finances, spending habits, or wildly disparate incomes and the person has decided that this is a fundamental incompatibility that is unlikely to change (or is going to be exacerbated by marriage and children), and they are not willing to commit for life as a result.

Maybe one partner has been living a lie for years and the house of cards is about to collapse/be exposed and they would rather ghost than deal with the fallout and have to answer for their many lies (I literally know something this happened to - she was married to him for years before she learned that he didn't have the job he said he had, and hadn't even finished the professional school he had claimed to be in at the time they had met, - it's a truly TRULY wild story for another time).

Maybe partner X has started listening to redpill podcasts and has become brainwashed about how relationships should look and wants a "trad-wife" (sorry, part of me is being silly now).

Maybe they did meet another person that made them feel something, and even though they haven't crossed any lines, it made them re-think the current relationship. In this instance, maybe the other person is hypothetically waiting on the sidelines, but I don't think that necessarily makes person X a cheater.

Ultimately I do think that a lot of the time, people don't leave okay relationships without some sort of push/external reason. Maybe they should, I don't know. I imagine there is more to the story than this.

"Maybe partner X is depressed, battling with substance abuse, or going through some sort of mid-life crisis."

I think this is a huge part of what is going on.

I am very close to the couple and have thought he should be evaluated for depression as does his x.

True, I don't know all the details of their relationship so who knows.

We all have different ideas and feelings about commitment. My H and I had an agreement to talk to each other if we ever felt interested in someone else. Obviously he acted on his feelings instead of discussing it with me. I think a committed relationship is hard work and something you have to choose and be intentional about. I have been married for 34 years and my feelings during that time have been all over the place but I have always remained committed to my marriage and have always (with the exception of working through A stuff) loved and respected my husband.

I don't get somebody making life long plans one minute and then saying never mind my feelings are gone the next. Where is the effort. He is not willing to go to counseling of any sort.

She is better off without him if he is going to bail the minute things get uncomfortable and not be willing to put any effort in.

Maybe I am just sick of seeing people get hurt.

My H and I were just discussing this couples situation. I told him it reminded me of the I love you but I'm not in love with you line that people use. He said referring to that line, "that is such a stupid thing to say." Should I remind him that he said that to me almost 14 years ago?

You can't make this stuff up.

I have a theory that in many relationships or marriages, one party doesn’t become "unhappy" in the relationship or marriage until they meet someone they are interested in.

Then all of a sudden the betrayed is blamed for things, fights start over nothing, the cheater or soon to be cheater starts to treat the betrayed poorly, etc.

My H tried to tell me he was "unhappy for years" in our marriage. ROFLMAO 🤣 b/c six months later when he’s begging me to R, he’s saying it wasn’t true and he really wasn’t unhappy.

I have also seen people do crazy things to avoid situations such as polygraph tests, doctor visits, difficult conversations, college, etc.

Maybe there is something that the person ending the relationship wants to avoid — like the marriage.

Most of use lean in if we started to feel disconnected. Well before the ILYBNILWY stage. Outside of NRE junkies, it's what you do in a loving relationship. MLC combined with 7 year itch would be my guess. Before he pulled the trigger, I'd have to believe he'd at least consider the available options. I wouldn't jump right to cheating, but I'd bet him having at least a prospect or two in which he's interested.

"MLC combined with 7 year itch would be my guess. Before he pulled the trigger, I'd have to believe he'd at least consider the available options."

I would agree with this. It's better than having an A but not much when you are in a committed relationship and both parties have built their lives around each other and getting married.

Honestly, I don't know why people bother with serious, committed relationships.

He wasted eight years of her life. That's a huge chunk at their age. I think when you have invested that many years and are living as if you are married and are planning to get married, you owe it to the other person to go to counseling and put some damn effort in.

I think he is depressed, possibly having a MLC and thinks someone else will make him feel better. Blech!!!

I was engaged to a man and lived with him for 6 years. We had our arguments but overall we seemed happy. Slowly, some of his behaviors and traits got me annoyed and made him less attractive. We talked about it a few times but it got no where. One day, his "abusive" silent treatment ended in our breaking up.

To me, our relationship was stressful and I was trying to make it work. To him, our relationship was perfect and we were happily in love. To others outside of us, his friends thought we were perfect together and mine thought I should leave.

You never know how it really is because everyone has their own versions. I never cheated on him and he never cheated on me. I didn't end things because I found another person either. I just got tired of his personality.

That can absolutely happen. That's not what he is saying though. He is giving some of the lines I have heard over and over from cheaters or people that have a prospect waiting.

Who knows. It doesn't really matter or change anything. I just have my suspicions. I talked with him and just got one of those gut feelings.

Thanks for your input and letting me get my feelings out!!

If there's anything I've learned from my experience and the experiences of those on SI, it's that the vast majority of people are so resistant to change that they can only be motivated to upend their lives if their current existence is unbearable and/or they think they are guaranteed a jackpot if they jump ship.

Therefore, if this guy is willing to divorce despite caring for his wife and being comfortably settled with her, then I will safely assume he thinks there is something better on the other side. The question is whether that something is a someone (a specific AP) or he thinks he will live as a joyfully single man, drowning in women.

Agree Bluer.

She has something to work on and has been plus wants/is to start counseling. He said her issue is not a factor in the break up and acknowledged her effort to work on herself.

He sees no reason to go to counseling himself. Nothing for him to work on.