SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for all the answers again.

I appreciate that you all understand the phases of grief, understand the emotions that I feel and keep me in line.

As for storage place - I'll consider it, it's a good idea, however all places I checked in my city are a bit costly. As I said, I spent a lot on providing for me+my EX last year, plus she took part of my savings, so the money is a bit tight. I wouldn't want to spend it on storage place, unless I find a really good offer.

I read your other thread where you said that the AP's wife knows and has somewhat sanctioned their A. I highly doubt that. Regardless, tell her. DON'T send her the graphic photographs; that could be considered a crime.

I contacted the AP wife.

Anyway, thanks for help again, everybody.

[This message edited by Isthereapoint at 2:08 PM, Sunday, December 17th]

I contacted the AP wife through facebook today, but the message got stuck in "other" folder probably, as I don't have her added on facebook. I'll try adding her to friends or messaging her on LinkedIN that I contacted her on FB.

I'm not positive, but I think that if you friend-request her it will put the message in her inbox.

OP,

I went back and read your other threads. It made me very angry for you. Angry in that it wasn't even very original how she carried this betrayal out.

Just a garden variety cheater who will do it again and again....

I must say you are treating her FAR better than she deserves at this late date.

After reading all of it,I think you should not break any NC with her. Nor do I think you should show her one more once of mercy. IDK how the laws in our country work, but if you could have a 3rd Party or Process Server notify her of 1 distinct time she can pick up her stuff and leave it at that, I would go that route. If she has been notified of the date and time, and doesn't pick it up, then haul the rest of it to the street and let the bums pick through it. This woman is For The Streets.

I many ways I consider myself lucky I wasn't afforded a face to face confrontation with my ex Fiance. I discovered the relationship was over during a Trans-Atlantic phone call I placed from The UK to St Louis, Missouri at the end of a work trip, only to have her ex husband answer the telephone. So by comparison with so many others, I got off light. I ended up quitting my job a few days later by phone and just extended my trip off my savings for about 6 weeks since there was nothing to come back to. Had family go get my stuff at her place and put it into storage. And that was that....

She has shown you who she always was.....no need to have any more communication. I would not believe for a second the other man's wife not only knew about it, but accepted it. Send her a Friend Request and let it all hang out.

She put you through the wringer......Her regretting hurting you,but not really regretting the rest of it was all you ever needed to know. Don't give her one ounce of headspace after the property exchange. Make her nothing but a bad memory.

I would not believe for a second the other man's wife not only knew about it, but accepted it. Send her a Friend Request and let it all hang out.

I second this.

Doofus

I went back and read your other threads. It made me very angry for you. Angry in that it wasn't even very original how she carried this betrayal out.

Just a garden variety cheater who will do it again and again....

I must say you are treating her FAR better than she deserves at this late date.

Thank you for that. I actually have some bad mental patterns of ignoring my own needs, letting others abuse me (emotionally, financially etc.), not setting any boundaries, not getting angry, even when someone disrespects me. It's sadly connected with my upbringing, where I was living with my single mom that basically ignored all my needs and didn't dedicate any of her time to me/my emotional needs at all. Just shelter and food. And now I have problems with fighting for myself - I'm working on it with my therapist though, hopefully it will get better.

As for the lack of originality - yeah, I also thought about how cliche it is. Young girl wanting to have "more" in her life, older coworker in midlife crisis, her wrecking into a family to get what she wants. Eh. It's sad that it took me 8 years to see that she is just a person that will do anything to fulfill her material / emotional needs, even if it means hurting several innocent people in the process. ACTUALLY I will just add what she told me just after breakup - I told her: "It's so immoral that you initiated an affair with a guy with wife and kids, it hurts their kids too". Her: "it's his [AP] responsibility what he does with his family". Damn. I really hope karma will get to her.

My EX things. After my EX calling/texting me for 3 days about her things and an opportunity "to talk", today I responded to her just "I will inform you". I decided to let go of the money issue and found a cheap storage place where I will put her stuff, and then inform her that she has one week to pick it up.

AP Wife. I actually got in touch with the AP wife yesterday.

We scheduled an appointment.

I'd like to ask you guys if my plan for navigating this talk is alright.

There are 3 threads I see in this talk:

1. Support. I want to ask her if she receives appropriate support from her support circle.

2. Facts. I want to exchange knowledge with her. I will be gentle with her, as she is still deep down in this situation. She doesn't have the comfort of just going away, like me.

3. Some venting. If she wants to vent, I will listen to everything. I already told her that I gained some distance from this situation, so there is no hard topic in it for me.

What do you guys think? What else more should I say / what should I not say?

[This message edited by Isthereapoint at 2:13 PM, Sunday, December 17th]

Call his wife. There are several ways to find her phone number,or her work number.

He knows you know. If he's smart, he has his phone synced to get her messages, so he will intercept them. Then he will probably pretend to be his wife,and message you back. Happens all the time.

Or..send a registered letter to her work. One that requires her to sign for it. Send her a copy of all evidence..minus pics(you can tell her you have pictures,and will show them to her if she would like), and a brief letter giving the timeline of the affair. Refrain from saying anything bad about her husband (she may think you have a grudge against him,and you're lying).

I'd like to ask you guys if my plan for navigating this talk is alright.

There are 3 threads I see in this talk:

1. Support. I want to ask her if she receives appropriate support from her support circle. Show her this forum. Tell her all the wise stuff that is found here, like: (i) this is not your fault; (ii) it was solely his decision; (iii) you have to fight for yourself, etc. However I will not advise her on D / R - she knows her family/situation best and it's solely her decision what to do.

2. Facts. I want to exchange knowledge with her. I will be gentle with her, as she is still deep down in this situation. She doesn't have the comfort of just going away, like me. I will ask her what she wants to know, and ask her, if she want to see the photos of their convos. I will NOT show her graphic photos/videos of them, but I will let her know that they are there. Maybe one time when she is ready, she will ask for them.

3. Some venting. If she wants to vent, I will listen to everything. I already told her that I gained some distance from this situation, so there is no hard topic in it for me. She can ask/tell whatever she needs. I will probably also vent some on my EXGF and the situation. I will refrain from going hard on her husband, as this probably won't help her situation. Also I don't really care about that guy. I know that my EXGF is mostly at fault here (she voluntarily initiated an affair with a man whom she know was married with kids and wrecked into that family). But I don't want to make it all about my GF - so the wife doesn't start justifying her husband-the AP in her mind. This also won't help her situation.

What do you guys think? What else more should I say / what should I not say?

Generally, I think your plan is fine. I wouldn't exactly lead with the support point though. The two of your are meeting to compare notes and share intel about what you know. You can mention to her that in your investigation you uncovered graphic sexual materials of the two of them that leaves no doubts about the nature of her WH and your WGF's relationship. Like you said, this is a fact finding discussion.

Of course, as a human being with empathy and compassion, you will be sitting across the table from another human being who is suffering as a result of your partner's infidelity, so it is absolutely fine to show her kindness and support, but keep in mind that you and her are not friends and that this meeting is mostly a business discussion. That is not to say that there won't be a little venting and whatnot, of course there could be, but follow her lead on this one, because as you did note, she has a lot more skin in the game on this one than you do. You can walk away, a little lighter in the wallet and with a broken heart, but this woman's options are far more nuanced and because she shares kids with her WH, he will forever be a part of her life, whereas you can cut your WGF out of your life like tumor she is and never look back.

You can absolutely mention SI as a valuable resource for her as well as any of the other resources, books, etc. you've found here or otherwise. I would suggest you mention it more casually, such as "While I was going through this, I stumbled across an online support group focused on infidelity. When I first got on there I was a bit of a mess (because we all are when we come here) and I found a community of folks who offered their advice and support for me during this difficult time." You could even mention that "we're here today because the community there was pretty adamant that I make efforts to inform the other betrayed partner." I mean, here at SI we aren't exactly looking to recruit new members, but the reality is that this forum exists to help people in your and her very situation. Speaking from personal experience, this community here on SI changed my life for the better and it part of the reason I feel compelled to continue trying to help folks like you and others whenever I can.