SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone- It’s been a while since I posted. I am almost 4 years past d-day. Trying to R. I am really struggling with intimacy and just the thought of my FWH touching me is making me feeling really icky. I have never felt like this before, even after D-Day. I have always been a very been very tactile person and it’s important to me to be touched and cuddled.

We did a lot of hysterical bonding at first- then things settled down but were still a lot more frequent than before the affair. For the last 6 months or so I have started to think about the sex he had with AP again, some mind movies are back and I feel really disgusted by him. I am actually quite shocked that I didn’t react like this at the start. Just confused as to why, only now, am I so repulsed by it all?

I can’t even bring myself to think about the crazy sex we had at first. It feels like it wasn’t me, I am feeling embarrassed about how I behaved and how easy I made it for him. I have blocked out a lot of what happened in those early weeks, because they were so awful.

I don’t know if this means I am done with R. I have been struggling to think about the future, to plan things and can’t imagine us growing old together. The thought of Christmas is overwhelming me too. FWH is getting excited and wanting to book things. I feel like I have gone backwards 3 years and don’t know what to do.

My biggest fear is I have just wasted 4 years trying to R, on top of 26 years being married to the wrong guy. I try to think about how far we have come but it’s like my body has just taken over and is saying - no way - yuk.

Lots of people told me early on, when I was confused, that you’ll just know when you’re done. I think maybe as I have healed, I am beginning to realise I am not attracted to him anymore.

Anyone else go through this so long after d- day? If you felt icky about physical intimacy, did that ever come back? Thanks 🙏

1000% relate. You aren't alone. I'm only 2 years into "reconciliation", but the mind movies are coming back with a vengeance. All of a sudden I feel like I'm being compared to AP again, and I have these nagging thoughts when she wants to have sex like, "it's not really me she wants, it's him, and I'm just what's available". She thinks I'm punishing her or being manipulative being so non sexual now after all the time that's passed. But it's not that at all. I just can't get out of my own head and thinking of what she said and did with him. Sometimes I feel inferior to him and don't want to expose myself to what I fear are her comparative thoughts between me and him. Other times I just feel like I am the prize, and I feel like I'm cheapening myself by giving myself to someone who betrayed me in such unspeakable ways. And there's been times I've mentioned divorce recently as how I'm leaning, and I get accused of trying to hurt her by making things so sweet and giving her hope just to rip it away. She tells me I'm cruel and that staying this long just to let her realize how desperately she wants me and then leaving is the cruelest way imaginable to handle this.... (I think the irony is lost on her as to what she thinks is cruel given what she did to put us here). But oddly, I think if I were readily available all the time, then she probably would get bored with me and not appreciate me again anyway

3Stars, I can relate to so much of what you said. So much hysterical bonding at the beginning that I feel almost embarrassed or angry or at least weird and uncomfortable about now. And the loooooong time it took for the real hurt to set in and to really feel the deep pain of the sexual betrayal.

I think it’s possible that what you’re feeling is done. And that’s ok. Trust yourself.

But it might also just be the delayed, true pain that you have to feel your way through. That’s what I feel like mine is/was. I’m a slow processor. I’ve been through a lot, more or less, in my life, and I think my brain automatically doses out the pain in increments that I can handle. I’ve kind of accepted that at this point, and I try to feel my way through it.

I wish you healing and peace. It’s a hard journey. ❤️

Yes…..

I seriously was out of my mind early on post DDay. Imagined FWH was some random guy I didn’t know….because the man I married would have never had an affair…he must be a stranger.
Random guy wanted me to feel better….and I was up for feeling better.

I am 4 ish years out. For me, I don’t necessarily feel icky from his touch…..I feel a little ick from my response to that touch from someone who betrayed me so deeply. If I stay in the moment, of here we are making each other feel better, I do better

Thank you for the replies- it’s just so hard isn’t.

Marine- the comparisons are hard not to think about. I mean everyone says it’s not about the BS not being good enough. But it sure as hell feels like we weren’t enough. My husband blamed my weight gain for his affair- which just added to my depletion of self esteem. I lost a lot of weight after d day and so when we were doing HB - I feel FWH got to have sex with someone slimmer. So I feel he was rewarded for his betrayal, it was a win/win. I just feel disgusted in myself, but even more with him for being so shallow. It’s funny how, when we are struggling with their despicable behaviours, we are the cruel ones for not getting over it This really is the shittiest shit sandwich we have to eat

Grieving- you are spot on about the processing. It takes a while for me to realise things. I am a real people pleaser, so by default, I put things that affect me to the back of my mind. I think I’ll deal with that later. I then focus my emotions on rescuing everyone else, because that’s always been my role. As a child, at work, as a wife and mother. I was the carer, the fixer - the soother. I just worry that I will be processing the infidelity the for the rest of my life and not consciously enjoying life. One of my main goals earlier on was to keep things stable for my children. But now they are older, 2 have gone to Uni. I think I am finally allowing the pain to come out, rather than avoid it. I see things, not just the infidelity that really don’t serve me.

Ladybug - 100%! Everything you say is just how it was for me. I didn’t recognise my H after d-day and he did feel like a whole different person. I think that created excitement and fear which probably boosted certain hormones and hence the crazy HB. But whilst it felt good physically - numbing the pain. Emotionally it left me more depleted and I don’t really recognise myself in any of that. I think I am feeling icky about me, because I always thought if he cheated I’d be gone. Especially as he’s not been a very good husband, very selfish and emotionally immature. I really question why I wanted to R in the first place. I think if I am honest, it was hope that finally I would get the love and support that I craved. I think I mistook the HB as a sign R was the right thing.

I woke up this morning and I didn’t get the usual stomach churning I often get. Instead I felt very calm. Perhaps this is acceptance, and the realisation that R isn’t working.

The real sad part is FWH doesn’t even seem to have noticed my turmoil. He just acts like nothing has happened and everything’s hunky dory

Thank you for being here. I already feel better just writing it all out.

I wish peace and healing to all BS’s out there. This isn’t a journey we chose to go on, but the way we show up for each other is amazing.

We had hysterical bonding for the first six months off and on after d day too. I too look back and think gross. But that was what I needed at the time and I was in shock and denial. I don’t fault myself. This is painful stuff and we’re just trying to get through it in the beginning.
I also had a senior in high school and an autistic child I was homeschooling. That first year I had to set aside my feelings to a degree to get through that year. So you may be going through some delayed healing. I also wonder if you just see your WH in a new light now and don’t necessarily like what you see. I also saw the selfishness and immaturity that ran through our whole marriage. I’m also the fixer and keeper of the family. But I told him that role is gone and he will contribute at least fifty percent and start to take care of me or I’m moving on. And he’s stepped up big time. He didn’t right away but after he broke no contact at 3 months after d day and I threatened separation he’s worked on himself intensely.
I’m wondering if you haven’t seen enough change in your H to continue to heal or to feel attracted to him again?
I know personally I needed to see some big changes. It’s a whole attitude and mindset shift that cheaters have to make in my opinion. The selfishness has to go.
Even with all this I still trigger and am not sure I won’t still D. The damage is so deep. I’m at 20 months from d day though so I’m hoping for continued improvement in how I feel.

[This message edited by Saltishealing at 2:42 PM, Friday, November 10th]

I suspect your people-pleasing is hindering your figuring out what you want.

Are you in IC? If not, is IC possible for you? If you're ready to give up pleasing others at your own expense (very difficult to do, but doable), a good IC can help.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:00 PM, Friday, November 10th]

I felt the "ick" with my xWS. I absolutely was repulsed by him, and felt like I was being raped because I just didn't want it anymore with him. I was put through many D-Days and False R, but felt the "ick" after HB ended. My Ex is also emotionally immature and a narcissist so not a good husband at all. I stayed in limbo for 5 years after False R because I was so afraid to end things and break up the family, but I just couldn't take another day and after I realized I'm done I then proceeded to leave.

We made the mistake of going straight into MC 10days after d-day ( I didn’t find SI until much later) It traumatised me further and I realised that putting the marriage on trial meant FWH was able to blame shift and avoid accountability. We both found IC’s and mine was brilliant. He seemed to be making really good progress- but sadly his IC became very ill and could no longer work. He was reluctant to find a new one.

I did EMDR and this really helped with the initial trauma and remuneration. I had IC through to the end of year 2. I really felt I was ok so when my IC then took a career break to travel it felt reasonable to stop.

Perhaps I need to think about a new IC to help me figure things out. I can’t carry on feeling like this. Thanks Sisoon- something to think about.

Crazyblindsided I have read a lot of your posts and cannot believe what you went through.I admire your strength and appreciate your honesty. I don’t want to be here in year 5. If I am still feeling icky by the new year- I know what I need to do

Thanks again everyone - I have been reading a lot on SI recently. Not sure whether to post or not - I am so glad I posted.

[This message edited by 3starsinthedark at 6:40 PM, Friday, November 10th]

Yes, I relate. If you haven't already read it, the book "Cheating in a Nutshell" goes over this disgust feeling. You might find it helpful.