I reconciled. He did the work that is talked about here. Was remorseful. All of it. I'm not an idiot. I know what he needed to do. And he did it. He was genuine in his efforts. Guess what? I just had another dday. He's been cheating again. After over a decade of reconciliation.
That's cruel and horrible. I am sorry your R failed. I wish you get out of this mess safely and peacefully.
Your post made me very anxious and uncomfortable. Not because you were wrong or insensitive but because I find it very depressing. It's depressing and frustrating to know that there is no guarantee even if they do the necessary work and are genuinely remorseful. It's so cynical. I feel helpless thinking about it. I feel uncomfortable knowing that I can't do much to prevent the damage to my life yet again if I choose to R. Instinct of self-preservation is making me very anxious and fearful of the unlikely prospects of R. I just hope your case is not the dominant trend. I am sorry for your loss. Thanks for the insight. Very helpful.
There is no guarantee. None. It's a huge gamble
True. Very true. Most gambles fail because they are rigged by nature. R with serial cheater is a rigged gamble. I would want to know if it's rigged if I want R.
There are some amazing former waywards here.
It will be very helpful to know how and why these former waywards were able to succeeded while many failed but I don't think I am ready yet to visit the wayward section.
With no children, divorce can be a much cleaner break.
I got your point but currently the decision of ending this 8 years relation and 6 years marriage seems a very tall order for me. I wasn't prepared for this. It's so sudden and such a drastic change in my life one that I never wished for. Like others have pointed out, I need not rush to make the decision. I need time to get comfortable with either options before I make the decision. I just hope it doesn't take too long. Thanks for your post 😊.
Do you really know anything right now? Serial cheater or not, whether or not she loves this other man, or has other deep
connections?
I read through few text conversations they had and saw her calling him her 'twin flame'. I had no idea what twin flame was until I Googled it and found that its much worse and messed up than 'I love you' and 'soul mates' in the context of affairs. The love connection in the context of twin flame transcends multiple lives of the people involved. It's messing me up. I feel I would have been little fine if she had used the usual "I love you" in her texts. She never called me her twin flame to describe our relation. Although, in past she did express her wish to marry me in all her future lives. I guess she wants me as her husband and him as her AP in all her lives. That's f*d up, right?? Anyway, other than this and few other things I don't know much about her affair.
The advice is usually, don't offer R right away, get an attorney, demand full disclosure and effort, get an std test
I haven't followed through any of these advices yet, except offering her R. I only recently came across this forum and have gone through pinned threads and healing library. They are gold mines. They have been immensely helpful and has made my understanding of my situation more clearer and better. I feel more confident and secure now.
Very sorry to read that your cruel wife has given you STD. That's abboring and shocking! I pray it's nothing serious. 🙏 I pray for your well-being, sir.
It takes years to heal, so give yourself some grace during this time.
Thank you. I have been very mindful of this requirement.
There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful
Yes, I have gone through those threads. They have life saving insights and informations. I feel much better now.
After reviewing the M, thinking about what I wanted and needed from my M, I had decided that I was going to D.
This is what I am planning to do but I am stuck at figuring out what I want.
It's very important to remember that you're not in a race.
Thanks for reminding this. I need to slow down.
My expectation for R was an M in which both of us were happy and satisfied
.
That's pretty much my expectation too.
I can't say that either of us are happy and satisfied with ourselves, but we're happy and satisfied with each other and our M.
Doesn't our self satisfaction affect our marriage and our partner? Isn't that the reason most cheaters cheat? If your wife is not happy with herself and is not self-satisfied, then doesn't she carry the risk of slipping again?? How did you both deal with that possibility?
The fact that I no longer trust my W blindly is, IMO, an improvement.
Ok. This surprised me. I didn't know this is an improvement. Not trusting blindly partner can also be seen as an untrusting and always suspecting behavior. How do you walk this thin line? How can one display reasonable and appropriate behavior when it comes to trusting such a partner without coming off as suspecting and controlling?? I know it's too early to talk about trusting and all in my case, but, your statement caught me off guard.
If your W said she and om are twin flames, R probably won't be easy
Oh God.. I was afraid of this.
You can process the anger, grief, fear, and shame out of your body, and IMO that's where you should channel your energy
right now. Let yourself heal; once you start on your healing - and you've started already - you'll find it easier to make decisions, and you'll make better decisions, too.
Ok this sounds very useful but I don't know how to do it. How can I heal while going through this mess? I don't think my wife will confess everything on day 1. I fear I will wake up every morning to new discoveries and revelations related to her affair for the next many years. If that's the case, than how can I heal enough in appropriate time to make the better decision?
I am sorry I asked too many questions. It's just I am too anxious and nervous to meet my wife when I get back to my home. I feel like I should know everything and be fully informed before I confront her. I don't know what kind of person and situation I will be dealing with. I know I should slow down a bit.
Thanks for your insightful post. Very helpful.