SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bump for IT guy

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 11:59 PM, Saturday, November 18th]

Seems to me some folks conflate ACCESS if suspicion warrants versus ACCESS as a family policy.

"Our Family" - we all know each others pin - but all of us have better things to do with our time the rummage 'round in a cell phone.

Occasion occurred w/spouse left phone @ home and used kiosk PC to contact me to look up some folks info and email to her.
I would have had to have the pin before or sent with the request. Minor difference.

My wonder is what kind of relationship two people have whereby they don't trust the other to not "snoop" - seems there is some lack of faith in the character of one's opinion of the other.

And a side note - we get a new phone for her - her "old" becomes mine as mine is even older. (Mine isn't attached to my body)
She just hands me the phone w/o "cleaning" anything - which is a bit annoying as I have to kill stuff to prolong battery and make some room if I wnat to do some snaps. Clear messenger? why bother - automagically rolls out the old when new comes in.

"I think it's hilarious when the WS uses this excuse to deflect the blame that somehow being caught because they were hiding something is somewhat of a betrayal. My phone is an open book. Anyone could look at it and I would be fine. Even my current boyfriend knows my password and I told him he can look anytime he wants. Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing."

In my case when I began to figure out DD2 (known likely there were many more) it was so far gone and he had likely already engaged in behavior that risked transmitting fatal and /or permanent std’s to me due to his dangerous behavior. I found the evidence by accident because I had left my phone at home and had to make a call.

I am D so take my comments for what they are. The comments of a person who thought who my then WH was engaging in sexual and emotional affairs with was absolutely my business. I wished I had looked at the phone bill much sooner than I did.

He was very dangerous to me physically emotionally and Spiritually. For him to say that as a married person in an agreed upon monogamous relationship that I had no right to know who he was spending time courting and who he was sticking his body parts in amounted to two words: Gas and Lightening.
Also Bull and another word I don’t think I can say in here.

This basic difference of opinion ended the marriage.

The phone was the only way I knew they were still texting and talking. Without it I might have still believed the lies.

This from JFO:

One may wonder why did I not try and check her phone, especially considering it would have been very easy for me. Well, see, let's imagine for a second that whatever she's doing keeping me in the dark of my own marriage, was *not* betraying me in an affair.

I find it incredible so many BS’s feel looking at their shady spouse’s phone is the equivalent of an EA or more.

One of the things things that set me up for betrayal was that I had this notion that we had a truly one in a million relationship. "True love." I believed that absolute trust was part of that.

So even as the red flags piled up I grit my teeth and did not investigate. Investigating would be a betrayal of my trust in our "true love." In retrospect, if I had checked her email (no smart phones back then) as soon as her behavior warranted suspicion I may have headed the whole disaster off.

I finally investigated when I spied an inappropriate cartoon that OM sent her out of the corner of my eye. And I felt terrible for doing it. Even then, in spite of all the evidence that I found, I imagined that it couldn't have been more than an online infatuation with some inappropriate fantasizing. Eventually she admitted that it was a full blown PA, but I still believed a minimized version of it for many years before I finally got the truth. Or at least something that mostly matches what I know.

I trusted far too much.

Most people today don't really think of themselves as married in the traditional sense. They don't consider themselves "as one" with their spouse. They consider themselves as contractual partners with fringe benefits. Privacy is expected and the commitment is tenuous.

Since I have been disabused of the notion that you can ever trust someone absolutely, I think it would be foolish to enter into that contract in the current climate. I'm going to legally commit everything to you but you still reserve the right to keep secrets from me? Oh hell no.

Trust has to be earned. Privacy is a gift that you give your spouse out of love and trust. As soon as that trust is violated, or even suspect, that privacy is no longer offered.

I understand why a lot of people in modern relationships don't understand this. Many of them will learn the hard way. But any BS who doesn't get it is being foolish.

Seeking2Forgive, I relate with you on so many levels with the: feeling that our relationship is special, overtrust, respecting her "privacy" and "idnependence" and ignoring all the obvious red flags that were basically beating my head with their shafts.

As to the topic, I think the WS start to suddenly value "privacy" so much, especially in regard to their phones, because they are ALREADY MENTALLY NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. They subconsiously treat you as a stranger in some way. You are outside of romantical sphere of their life, you are a stranger and an invader, a third wheel. So they are not going to share those details of their life with you, they are going to protect it from you, and if you happen to see their phone - you invaded their privacy.

In my case: When my GF confessed cheating with her coworker, she told me that now she only talks to him in work-related matters.

Without her knowledge, I went through her phone and saw that she still maintains emotional contact with the AP. I didn't tell her that I went through her phone, but, knowing the truth, I asked her to show her messages with the AP. To prove me that she really talks to him in work-related matters. Her answer was perfectly in line with what was written here: "I WILL NOT SHOW YOU MY PRIVATE MESSAGES".

[This message edited by Isthereapoint at 10:22 AM, Thursday, November 30th]

Please tell me you didn’t take that lying down.