SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello Everyone. This is my first post. I am not ecstatic to be put in the place to be here, but I am glad that SI exists and there is a community of support. I "accidentally" found out that my spouse was cheating on Tuesday night when I came across her texts to the "blank." It had been going on for awhile, but for how long, I don't know. I was simply expecting to see Halloween pumpkin pics. I don't think I like pumpkins anymore, It was the worst day of my life and since then I have been living in a cloudy haze of confusion and a roller coaster of emotions. I haven't been able to sleep much. I don't cry much, but I haven't been angry much either. I have been blah, staring into space.

I confronted her about it almost immediately and asked "Why are you cheating?" Not "are you cheating." It was obvious from the messages. Of course she denied everything, but there was no denying it. Details that I read about in the messages, I posed back in the form of a question. I don't think I want to repeat any of it now, but lets say it pertained to their future. She denied it each time, but each time I insisted I already knew from reading the messages. She said I wasnt reading them in "context." I told her the context was pretty clear. She is lying about every detail. I pulled her phone records and I couldn't believe how much they had been communicating. I feel like an idiot for not knowing. The answer to the question "why?" was "you know I have been unhappy for years now." I didn't know. I thought things were good. I asked why she didn't tell me she was unhappy and she said that I thought I knew. How can I? She never told me. I am so confused. I feel stupid.

I have scheduled a test for STDs with our family doctor. It was both scary, enpowering, embarassing. I go next week. I also changed my emergency contact information because I figure she doesn't have my best interests at heart in the case of an emergency. Ideas that I gathered from here. But, now I am stuck. I just don't know what to do next. I don't feel like going out in public to avoid the: "Oh, where is x?" "How is x doing?" et cetera. I work from home, so that is a blessing but makes me feel even dumber as I should have known. When does the numbness stop? I can't even think straight, like I am forgetting everything simple. I find myself staring at the wall.

Many more will come along with better suggestions than I can give.

My only suggestion at this time is at the top of this page you will see "The Healing Library". Under the "Articles" you will see "discovery/confrontation". Click on that tab and there are many great articles there to help you. The first article you should read, in my opinion, is "Calling All BSes" by Nomadlady.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/calling-all-bses/

There is a lot of wise information in that article.

faithfulache,

We can all relate to where you are right now and how you feel.

It was the worst day of my life and since then I have been living in a cloudy haze of confusion and a roller coaster of emotions. I haven't been able to sleep much. I don't cry much, but I haven't been angry much either. I have been blah, staring into space.

I have been told that BHs tend to white knuckle this and go it alone. Let me be the first one to tell you that's it's OK to cry and it's ok to be angry. You've got to let that shit out. It's OK for a man to cry when everything that he worked for (and maybe even took for granted) has been intentionally burned to the ground by the person that was supposed to put themselves between the fire and you and your family.

Please find yourself an IC (individual therapist / counselor.) I thought I was being financially prudent because I could not afford one at the time. I should have ran up credit card debt or borrowed money from family, or done almost anything to get myself into therapy. Would you counsel your best friend or a family member to process (in your words) the worst day of their life without some professional help.

This sucks. But you will eventually get through this. You need to take care of yourself first.

Hello Faithfulache and welcome to SI. Please first understand that none of this is your fault, There is great information in The Healing Library and the pinned topics in this forum.

Cheaters follow predictable patterns almost word for word, we call it "The Cheaters Handbook" and your spouse is following it chapter and verse. How long have you been together? Do you have any children together?

As far as healing, you are in the shock phase, I can so relate to staring at the wall. Please drink plenty of fluids, no alcohol, find a way to burn some of the energy, start working out or just take a walk, it was the best mental break for me.

Please stick around, you are safe here to vent, ask question, or just read. Do not share this with you spouse right now, this is your place.

Shock shuts down huge areas of the brain. Your body does not know the difference between a lion chasing your or your wife cheating. Both pose a threat to your health. Your body was flooded with adrenaline and cortisol. Those are there to get you to run as fast as you can from the threat. It means your lizard brain took over to get you to safety. Once you have time to calm down the pain, the anger, the anxiety, the depression, the lingering fear will make themselves known. Be ready because you need to look after your health. Consider it a gunshot. That is how traumatic this is.

Sorry you're here. It sucks. I rarely post, but your situation sounded very similar to mine- at least t the point of initial discovery. When I discovered the texts and got into it with my wife, I got the... "I thought you knew how unhappy I was" bs. Like that makes it ok to cheat. The selfish, entitled cowards way of dealing with things. Anyway, you're among people who can understand and relate.

Faithful,

You wrote, I have scheduled a test for STDs with our family doctor. It was both scary, enpowering, embarassing.

Don't be embarrassed, put a sign on the front lawn, "PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT MY WIFE name MAY HAVE GIVEN ME STDS, IF SHE CHEATED WITH YOU TOO GET TESTED"

Also get to work making the OMs life a living hell, expose him to his W don't warn or threaten do it all at once and massively.

If he is your WW boss or other executive or superior get him fired, blackmail or lawsuit.

Get to work.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. I was together with my spouse for 18 years. No human children, thank God. I can't imagine what this does to children. I will be able to connect with a therapist after my STD test next week. The only issue I'm having with that is the therapist at my family clinic is a she. For some reason, I don't much feel like talking to a female therapist right now. Is that normal? If I wasn't in this predicament, I'd have no problem, but when my doctor recommended the in-house therapist, I didn't say anything but I was thinking, I'd prefer a male therapist. Such a weird feeling. Is it normal not to trust the opposite sex right now? I will seek out a male therapist.

As for the co-offender, he knew my spouse and I were together. The things that he said to her through the messages I read, and her responses of course, make my primal extinct of wanting to hurt him very overwhelming right now. It's a good thing he lives in another city and I don't know where he lives or works. I now have his phone number, so I may gather up the courage and tell how I feel with a phone call. Does that ever work or should I not even bother?

I'm working my way through the library. It's unnerving, yet comforting to know that what I am feeling right now is normal for this very trying time. Thanks all. I appreciate you all. I'm glad I found you.

As a funny aside and to underscore how numb I am, I was walking around my house today with a mixing bowl in my hand (I love to cook), looking for the same mixing bowl that was in my hand. For at least 15-20 minutes. I was looking everywhere. For some reason my brain didn't register this. I only snapped out of it when I went to move a curtain and saw the bowl in my hand.

[This message edited by faithfulache at 9:35 PM, Thursday, October 26th]

"you know I have been unhappy for years now."

Even if this was true, it doesn’t excuse cheating. Don’t let her play off this fallacy.

Everyone knows that cheating is absolutely wrong in every circumstance. So, when one finds themselves cheating, doing something that is universally wrong, it causes a cognitive dissonance where one’s actions and behaviors are in conflict with their beliefs. This is a very uncomfortable place for the mind to be, in moral conflict with itself. This is compounded by the fact that cheating is also in conflict with the values of the general public. They're in conflict with themselves and their public, friends and family.

So, the cheater is compelled to rationalize something that is very irrational. Cheating is not rational, it’s impulsive, primal, illogical and originates from a place of brokenness, weakness in our character. This is hard to accept, to admit to one’s self, and especially hard if you’re already insecure, lack self confidence and awareness or subconsciously self loathe. It’s hard to accept that you’re broken, need help.

And so, the cheater will exaggerate your faults, flaws and offenses and rewrite the history of the marriage, retroactively prepare the ground, a pretext for cheating.

Every time I hear a cheating story from the POV of the cheater, they always start off with the pretext to cheating as part of their version of how and why the affair evolved. This pretext usually lays blame upon the BS.

Blaming the BS for the cheating, either directly or indirectly, is especially cruel and ironic as it adds insult to the incredible injury the BS is already grappling with.

Many times I hear a cheating story from the POV of the betrayed, and they too buy into this narrative, blaming themselves, because it gives them some sense of control over their desired outcome.

"All I have to do is improve myself, be a better spouse and everything will be alright"

But this is a fallacy. The problem is so much bigger than simply that and the problem is largely out of your hands and beyond your ability to repair. The cheater has to fix themselves, want to fix themselves, and this is difficult for a BS, who desperately wants to keep their spouse and marriage, to accept. If the marriage is to be saved, the WS must do the heavy lifting, the WS must initiate and champion the effort, the WS must be the guidon.

Cheaters lie during their A, when confronted, and afterwards as well. They lie and minimize in order to protect themselves. I got the "I thought you didn't love me anymore," "We only did it 3 times," "He wore a condom," and "I've been unhappy for years," B.S. One excuse after another so as not to admit the truth which is, "I was selfish and didn't give a damn about you, only myself."

I don't much feel like talking to a female therapist right now. Is that normal?

The opposite sex is not the enemy here, nor is the OM, it's your WW. That said, it's extremely important to find a therapist who is knowledgeable on infidelity, no matter their sexual gender. Btw stay far away from marriage counselors right now. They are only interested in fixing the marriage. It's your wife that is broken, not the marriage.

You are in the shock phase. There's a physiological response to betrayal that includes how you've described. Your mind is shutting down, unable to process a tsunami of emotions that are to come. Please find a therapist. When you see your doctor, also get some sleep medication. The insomnia is pretty typical (I couldn't sleep for months) but just makes everything worse. Try to eat or at least protein shakes.

I would also recommend a separation to process your own feelings away from your WS. During this time, read up on the 180 and start to implement that. This is for you, not a strategy to "win her back." You need to detach and get some clarity.

I'm so sorry that you needed to find us, but we're the people who will really help you and can relate to your experiences. Your WS's response is very typical and is tied up in her justification for cheating. If she was so damn unhappy, why not just leave? Or try and get counselling with you? Whatever. It's just her way of giving herself permission.

Big hug. I know how much this sucks.

I now have his phone number, so I may gather up the courage and tell how I feel with a phone call. Does that ever work or should I not even bother?

If it was me, knowing what I know now, I would not bother to talk to him for a couple of reasons.

One reason is that hearing his voice will probably make you feel worse than you feel now. Then, when you hang up you will probably think to yourself something like, "I should have said this, or I should have said that", etc. In other words, there is no closure there... just feeling worse than you do now.

The main reason is based on my experience over these many years. It really doesn't matter who the other person, the AP, is. It could be anybody. The reason is that when your wife got it in her head to cheat she would have had no problem finding any number of men willing to cheat with. Remember, this other man made no life long commitments and vows to you. Your wife did.

She is the one who cheated on you. He did not. There is a saying that they always "affair down". Any scumbag that would have anything romantically or sexually to do with a married woman, in my opinion, is like dog shit on the sidewalk. Not worth stepping into and then having to make the effort to wipe off the bottom of my shoe.

My opinion is that it just isn't worth it since he was not a close personal friend and he really doesn't know you. It will have no effect on him... just you.

Sorry you find yourself here. As others have said, it is early, the blame transfer and history rewriting usually are in full swing at this point.

"you know I have been unhappy for years now."

Your response to this should be:

"Then why are you acting like a child and sneaking around cheating and lying about it when caught, instead of making an open and honest decision to leave like a responsible adult would and allowing me, your partner, to make decisions of my own based on the truth instead of lies?"

Yes, the lies, the lies, the lies...

I was not able to sleep for 2-3 days after my wife's initial FALSE confession.

Just get through the days for now, do what you can, expect more blame transference.

For instance, in counseling, my wife repeatedly said I was never home, that I was gone all the time. I protested each time this came up, I only worked 4 days a week and was home taking care of the kids and doing family stuff 3 days with her...I gave up my hobbies due to time issues. Turned out she met the guy when she was out, while I was taking care of the kids, and when they started fucking I was, in her own words, "home with the kids"!

I was probably doing laundry. After all, I needed to do laundry so they would have clean sheets when he came to the house while I was at work!

She just called me to see how I was doing. Stupid me picked up. I asked if everything was over between him and her. She told me she was having a hard time deciding whether to come back home (she's kicked out presently) or stay with him! WTF! WTF! WTF! I hung up. I am shaking so hard. I swear Im not an awful person. I don;t know what I did. I always did everything. I clean, cook, work (we have a joint business), look after the farm. WTF? I always made time for her. I gave her little presents if I saw something she liked. I made sure to always say I love you. I don't know what I did. WHy

What do you know about him?
How did they meet?
Is/was he married ?
Kids (him)?
Does your wife work?
Is she staying with him since you kicked her out?
Do your families know?
Whom have you told?
If he lives in another city, how did it get physical? Did she travel to see him? Under what excuse?
Do you have all the sordid details of what they did together?
Has he been to your house? Slept in your bed?

You need to get all the info before you plan your next steps.

1) He is her ex-boyfriend from over 20 years ago. That relationship ended because he cheated on her.
2) I don't know how they reconnected. I'm assuming social media.
3) He was married. I don't think so anymore.
4) He has at least two adult children.
5) My wife works, but we co-own a business and work from home.
6) I don't think so. She is suppose to be at her parents house. Her father is very ill so she went to take care of him. She goes off and on. She is suppose to be coming back. I told her not to, so that's me kicking her out.
7-8) My family does not know because I am estranged from them for childhood abuse. Yeah, apparently no one loves me. I told her mother and sister, who I have a relationship with. My spouse had told me that she didn't want them to hate me. I don't know why so I reached out and told them what is going on and that I love them. She had not told anyone.
9) She travels 2000 km away to see her parents. That's where he is.
10) I don't want to repeat what they did, not now. I can't without breaking down. They were planning a life together.
11) He has not been here or slept in our bed. I know this because I am always here for our business and to take care of the farm.

I know my next plan is to plan how I am going to deal with all this responsibility. We have a big farm. A thriving business with lots of clients. I don't understand. I always made time for her. I always gave her attention. It's not like I was an absent partner. Now I know why she took so many baths and they lasted like 2-3 hours. JC. She said she was writing a book too. There's no book. It was all an excuse to get private time to talk with him and plan the next time she was in town "to see her parents."

He cheated on her 20 years ago.

Cheated on his BW and kids.

I would suspect serial cheater who will never stop.

Your WW has about 6 months before she senses the OM is lying to her.

Your WW has about 1 year before she finds proof.

Possibly your WW is wavering because she has already detected other women, secretive phone use etc.

Put a mark on the calendar and glance at your watch.

Why Why Why OM like that get sympathy from women who think their love can save them, or they are the one who got away, or they spin a story of perfect happiness, con men and liars of the worst kind they steal lives.

[This message edited by survrus at 11:57 PM, Thursday, October 26th]

Faithful,

I wish you did not answer the phone brother.

You need to find a way to navigate the business you co own. Can you buy her out?

Survrus, I wish I knew you back in 2009. I tend to usually have an ethical, moral, and legal scorched earth philosophy and agree with your takes.

"It's OK for a man to cry when everything that he worked for (and maybe even took for granted) has been intentionally burned to the ground by the person that was supposed to put themselves between the fire and you and your family."

I am so sorry you find yourself here. May you find peace and healing.

I learned the hard way that I needed to take exquisite care of myself. I need to absolutely protect myself from the unrepentant wayward exwh. And I owe no one an apology for doing so. They absolutely did not have my best interest at heart.

It has not always been easy but I have made it a point to do things to take care of myself. I always put others including exwh first.

I am working on small habits even 5 years post my last DD. This week I bought a big stainless bottle I fill to remind me to drink water.

People in this group saved my life and offered me excellent support.

PS what cheaters do is about THEM and their issues. It is not the betrayed’s fault. We were not less than it inadequate.
Cheating is a nasty choice. There are many other ways to deal with issues if there are any.
People who cheat tend to have lower empathy and l definitely are prone to lie.