SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm stuggling. That's an understatement. Life has run me over like an 18 wheeler.

I wrote my story out from the beginning of this mess in July 2009. Any feedback, advice, 2 x 4s etc., are always appreciated and welcommed.

BW 46, 4 children

Original DD July 14, 2009

My love and I have been together since June 1999. We married in 2005, 4 months following his combat PTSD diagnosis and rather impactful mental health challenges. We become parents in Jan 2007 and again in Feb 2008.

Following my accidental discovery of MOW, someone I thought to be a friend, and another military wife, H immediately attempted to rebuild. I truly felt he was sorry but was concerned about the way he spoke of the physical affair-that it made him feel alive and that he couldn’t stop.

He didn’t do IC but was transparent and remorseful.He seemed to be happy and committed to our marriage and family.

We became parents again in 2012 and 2014.

He changed jobs a few times and we moved. He was slipping into depression and acting critical toward me following his father’s death in 2013.

Full blown mid life crisis by 2018 and his 40th birthday. Excessive drinking and secretive phone behavior. Familiar toxic patterns followed and when I had a sleepover with our younger two in their room H barred me from the master with verbal and physical aggression. This was 3 years ago.

A month later I took off my engagement and wedding rings to wash them. He took the diamond ring and I haven’t seen it since. He said I didn’t deserve it.

I focused on our kids and my career. My mom got sick and was hospitalized for months followed by rehab and disability. She lived next door to us with my dad and younger sister and I helped care for her.

This was 2019

His mom moved in with us when her second husband left her.Her and H have a challenging relationship.

Things between H and I got harder.

Mother in law found love again and moved 20 miles away. H and I seemed to be doing a bit better.

COVID

His mental health plummeted (what was left of it).

In 2021 my older sister, her husband and 4 kids were in a devastating car accident. Our family rallied again with round the clock care. Dozens of surgeries later, they are all continuing to heal.

My younger sister was diagnosed with terminal end stage cancer of the appendix during the crash crisis. She was told she had maybe weeks to live. She was 41.

H went deeper into his rabbit hole and got meaner which I didn’t think possible. More secretive and new trips to see an old military buddy 30 miles away with no cell reception. Every weekend and sometimes on weeknights too.
Wardrobe shift, Musical tastes shifted, New interests, More tattoos

Weight gain for him since 2019 is over 100 pounds now (from an athletic 175 to 280 at six feet tall).
September 2022.....Nuclear bomb drop

He doesn’t love me and has never loved me. He isn’t seeing anyone (yeah right) but thinks I should find someone else who will love me because he never will.
His plan: continue living in our master while I continue to sleep on the floor in the boys room until our youngest turns 18 (I make more than twice what he does and own the house).
We can still have sex when he wants to because he doesn’t have to love someone to have sex with them.

And stupidly
I went along
I was a mess....my sister was dying next door, I have a demanding job and four kids whose dad has totally checked out

I was sick to my stomach and couldn’t eat. I lost 30 pounds in a few weeks (I’m 5’7" and went from 140 to 110…..:lose skin and everything)I cried all of the time

He told me he had started IC on zoom on Thursdays

In December, our then 15 yr old son walked by his father’s closed door during one of these counseling sessions and he heard his father yelling at someone that if they couldn’t see him at work the next day he would break up with them.He was at work until 9 pm the next day (his shift ends at 2:30 pm)

I asked him about it and he physically assaulted our son and I.I asked him to leave and he did.He told me he is suicidal.
He came back for Christmas and our sons 16th birthday in Jan
Lies continued
He said he was hunting with my cousin but then left a credit card statement on our table showing a charge for an expensive hotel 200 miles from my cousins place the same night

Fast forward to June

He went to a music concert the night before Father’s Day.In 24 years he has never been to a music concert particularly one of the genre of music that is his new favorite (and one he knows I hate so so much).

I told our kids he would likely not be home that night but that I was needed next door.I told my little sister we would have a sleepover and my dad that I would take over the night meds.

I slept on her floor until I heard the death rattle.I turned the lights on and told her how much she was loved.I saw the life leave her at 1:27 am. She was 43.

H showed up the next day. I had told our kids and took my first day of work off in a 25 yr career. It was the last week of school and I’m the principal but I wanted to be with my family.

H asked why I hadn’t called him when she passed in the middle of the night and I said well, you were at a concert.

He served as a pallbearer in her funeral the following week and cried inconsolably. He hugged me for the one and only time in over a year.

We are cordial to one another now. He adopted a dog who was a stray and has some challenging behavior problems (bit me….broke the skin and left a scar and chipped one of my teeth).After trying for over 3 months (we are experienced dog owners), some challenging behaviors persist. H has been gone even more frequently with several summer and fall trips with friends I don’t know.

I found a place for the dog to board and train for the next month.

H talks about buying a bigger house with me. I can’t help but think…..why, so I can sleep on a different floor?

I had decided to file for divorce in March 2024 but I am considering moving that date up.He doesn’t have any interest in being with me or our family.I don’t even want him to be any more.He acts miserable around us.

I weigh 100 pounds now and still can’t eat more than a few bites for dinner (nothing but black coffee and water during the day).I bike, swim, practice yoga an run all of the time.

I cry very often (except when my mask is on at work and around our beautiful kids).

H still attempts to have sex with me a couple of times per week.

I don’t say anything but won’t. I don’t know why he tries.

What a mess we have made of things for our kids.

I’ll be 47 in November.

This was incredibly difficult to read, you have had a tough life. You have been generous, loving, caring and I can tell have been a good wife, mother, daughter and sister. Time to live for yourself, don’t you think? First things first, get this man out of your life. He’s clearly delusional making life plans and trying to be intimate while making you sleep on the floor. You have to take time for yourself , make your physical and mental health a priority. If you don’t care for yourself, no one else will. But yeah, get rid of the trash and clutter in your life. It’s weighing you down.
Take care. Lots of hugs to you.

Luv, I'm so sorry. I'm sending you a big, big virtual hug.

Your H is using you as an emotional punching bag, housekeeper, babysitter, dogsitter, etc. And he'll keep on doing it as long as you let him. He's blatantly emotionally abusing you.

Your body is telling you that this has to stop. I support you moving up the divorce date. How about tomorrow? (Make sure he gets the dog in the D. You don't need that stress.)

I’m so deeply sorry for all you’ve been through.

I think you know exactly what you need to do here. If you’re looking for support in your choice to get yourself out of the hell you’ve been living in and love yourself, you got it. Your H’s mental issues are sad, but not an excuse to treat you like garbage. You cannot love him to a healthy being no matter how much you try. Only thing you can change is what you do.

Sending hugs

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. You need to get out of that toxic mess ASAP, but your kids, your poor kids seeing all this behaviour. The relationship you model with your spouse is what they will think a normal relationship is. Do you want that? Please kick this abuser to the curb yesterday.

I am so sorry you are going through this. But your Pbear is a nasty grizzly who is abusing you and your family.
PLEASE pull that timeline in. See a lawyer and find out if you can kick him out. He ASSAULTED your son.
Please get your kids away from that and into counseling.

You are obviously generous and kind- but it is time to put you and the kids first.

And so sorry for the loss of your sister.

Sending strength and virtual hugs (((hugs)))

I'm so sorry. Your story is overwhelming.

Can you share with us your thouths and feelings around divorce?

You are being subjected to horrific abuse, and in front of your children. What he is doing is evil. It’s that simple.

Sending strength, LMPB.

You are absolutely being abused.

It is terribly difficult for the abused to leave. You have been whittled down over time. Abuse tends to be gradual. So gradual that those abused don't recognize it as actual abuse.

But you are one hundred percent in a sick, abusive situation. Do not doubt that for one second. Tell yourself that over and over again every day until you believe it.

Give a call to a domestic abuse hotline to start. Talk to someone who knows and can help you start to regain yourself. It costs you nothing but it might be the first step toward saving yourself. I really hope you make that call.

Reach out to family or a close friend. Tell your story.

You need support to leave this mess. Because he has worn you down, almost literally, to a stub. Please get support by telling your story. Keep posting. We are here.

First, a thousand hugs. You deserve some love and peace and healing.

Second, move that timeline up to tomorrow. This is an abusive, untenable relationship. Get him out of your life. You will be so much better for it.

I’m 46. It’s easy to feel so very old when you’ve suffered as much and as long as you have. But you’re still young. You still likely have decades left. Don’t spend one more day of that precious than you have to with this man.

TheEnd

Give a call to a domestic abuse hotline to start.

YES!

Talk to a professional, relate your story. They will have a detached perspective, and recommendations to rescue yourself from the abuse.

Sending strength!

I'm sorry you are going through this, this is such a tough read. You are being abused by him and he has no incentive to change. You must detach and get away from him, you are not helping the kids by staying. I wish you the best.

In response to a post of yours back in July TallGirl said this, which still applies now:

Honey, staying does not mean your are strong. It is what he wants.

Leaving an abusive relationship means you are strong.

You are strong. You know it's time to go. Once your leave it does get easier on the other side - almost immediately in most cases. I think you know it's time. We are here for you.

My heart goes out to your H. Combat PTSD is a burden that is beyond imagination. Whether it's curable or not, though, YOU are not able to do the fixing.

Everything you write says you need to get him out of your life. Why wait until March of next year? Act now, and maybe he'll be out of your life by March or even sooner.

I'm very sorry for your many losses. If you need to recover from your losses before you can get away from your H, so be it. But do what you need to do to take action to save yourself and your kids.

Thank you all very much.

Hello and Happy Thanksgiving (or Black Friday).

Thank you for all of your support these past many years and especially as I navigated my sister’s passing and xWS’ continued acting out.

We are separated and the space is healthy.
He had dinner with us and my extended family last night and our kids enjoyed it so much.

We are cordial to one another and I accept who he is and his behavior. I’m not interested in a relationship beyond co parenting and he accepts that too.

I was reading on here about forgiveness and I am giving myself the grace of acceptance and don’t consider it my place to forgive. His crimes were against himself and he will move on with those and may or may not forgive himself.
Not my concern.

Many thanks to all of you

The 180 saved my life and you all gave me the strength I needed to use it.

The 180 saved my life and you all gave me the strength I needed to use it.

I'm so happy to hear this. The relationship you were in sounds absolutely unbearable (pun intended).

You deserve so much better. Strength to you as you move forward with divorce.

Every day will be better. No one deserves a life of pain. I'm glad you are moving toward giving yourself some rest. When I look back at the past, I see how I tried. I tried with a good and honest heart. Why we kept on......yes and sadly for longer than we should have. Someone who strips away your self worth....they know the darkness within. But we cannot heal them. Save yourself and be a light for those precious kids. Take this deep sadness and know that you have compassion for others. Yet no need to sacrifice yourself for someone who only takes, who will consume the very last of your precious energy. It's your life. You choose what's best. Look in your heart. What do you feel. Keep moving toward what you know is right. You will healnand grow stronger. Every day a little more. Everyone has free will to choose. Sorry he ran toward destruction but that was his decision. Let him go. Your on a different path now.